AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

His behaviour is unacceptable and needs nipping in the bud he's 3 he doesn't get to tell anyone where they can or can't go and making up lies like she hit him is dangerous and he needs to understand he can't lie about things like that or your going to find yourself getting visits off social services when he makes things up because he didn't get his own way .

I clearly said "Although we naturally prioritise children's feelings, that doesn't mean that adults must always suppress theirs."

Children need to learn that they are loved and very important, but not be spoiled and made to think that they and their own feelings are the only ones that matter. Yes, adults are there to help, love, care for and prioritise them; but they aren't emotionless, worthless robots themselves.

Why ever would it be a bad lesson to teach him that, just as he loves his mummy and wants to spend time with her, his daddy also loves his mummy and likes to spend time with her?

This should be obvious. The behaviour isn't acceptable.

It will last a whole load longer than three minutes if he grows up learning that he can order adult guests to leave the family home and he gets what he demands. What would happen if mummy or daddy said something that he didn't like - just as normal parenting - and he started trying to order them out of their own home, or telling his nursery workers that "Mummy hits me", so that she will be told off and he will be allowed to get his way?

Children have to be parented, guided, taught and (gently) corrected all along the way. It isn't loving to just let them behave however they like, completely unchecked, and end up as clueless, out of control adults.

I also think that children periodically like to check just how much control they actually do have. So at various stages they will try it out, to see how much they can bend their parents to their will. They don't always even mean what they say, they just want to see if they can get their own way. A little allowance isn't a bad thing, but saying 'no, this is not happening just because you want it' will not harm little Timmy and scar him for life. He'll shrug it off because he was only checking. Next week he'll try to get chocolate for breakfast for the same reason.

I think it's fairly common. My grandson was nearly 3 I think when he had a brief period of saying things like this. We just gave him a bit of space and let him chill. He wasn't being mean - he's a lovely little boy - he was just articulating his own needs in a rather clumsy, 3 year old type of way.
It was a phase that didn't last long. Nobody should be taking it personally even if it is a bit unsettling sometimes.

But just to add, his parents wouldn't have chucked someone out of the house because he said they shouldn't be there. It's not about giving them control.
And it's ok to say, 'that's not a very nice thing to say' so they learn that.

There is a reason they are called Threenagers! Honestly the part of their brain that deals with emotional regulation is completely under developed and they have only just learned concepts of love and hate so when the emotions get too strong they lash out using these new concepts which they don’t really understand. To them they are opposites so if they “Love” or want mammy they may express it as hating everyone else with not really understanding what hate really is. The other key thing to remember is that your child is hitting a developmental stage where they are beginning to see themselves as an individual with choices and the ability to say No and are trying to find out where they fit in the hierarchy of the household. They tend to challenge things a lot at this stage. I think our nursery called the stage “Power and Identity/power and independence”.

I would talk to your MIL and DH about it as it is normal and the target does change at different stages so you may get it yourself at some point. It is helpful reading about these stages and talking to people who work in the field as it helps you to know your child doesn’t mean hate the way we do and it is just a phase! At the end of the day we are grown ups and if we respond emotionally to something a child says they will respond emotionally too, they are really best to stay calm and say “well that is disappointing to hear/hurtful” and then just quickly move on. If she is lashing out I find my child regulates if one if us just hugs her for a minute and lets her have her big emotion.

My daughter (4) loves her dad and her nursery teacher but there are days when she is tired or coming down with something where she gets very overwhelmed and tells me she hates them all - she only wants me! When we visit granny she only loves granny the rest of us are rubbish. Tbh I find it a relief to be “hated” as normally she clings to me a lot! We have the chats, I tell her how sad words like hate make people feel etc… If she has been rude or angry we do have a stern chat about it! There have been times when I have said “well daddy just bought you X, maybe we should return it to the shops as we don’t take presents from people we don’t like”. Or he will suggest that maybe he shouldn't read her a bedtime story which leads to a quick backtrack. Not sure it’s the right approach. Honestly her behaviour is tricky when she is tired - but she usually accepts things after the chats. We’ve gotten a lot of the books about emotions too to help them understand anger, sadness etc…

The three year old is aware that he is choosing to say mean things to Granny.
I would verbally clarify what is happening..

"DS3, you can't be mean and not let Granny sit down just because Granny is staying a long time at your house. Come into your room with me and leave Granny to sit there happily."

Then in his room tell him how many more sleeps intil Granny goes back to her house. "She will miss you and we will miss her. Stay here in your room if you can't be nice to Granny."

Keep sending him back if he comes out grumpy.
In the meantime, have your husband take DS3 and Granny out to the park with a ball every day. Make sure Granny is associated with a fun activity not just hampering his life.

I think it sounds like he doesn't want mother in law staying there anymore. A week is a long time. I wouldn't expect him to be able to identify that he's feeling unsettled because of a change of environment and to communicate that. I would very much expect him at 3 years old to start saying something like "I don't like granny".

Is MIL actually offended by a 3 year old saying that? If a 3 year old said they didn't like me I'd assume it was because I was wearing a jumper in a colour they didn't like or something else ridiculous like that. Or that there was a deeper meaning behind what they were saying like in your situation.

I had my sister's staying last week. My 3 year old said she didn't like one of them when really she just didn't understand that she could actually like both of them at the same time.

If probably just say "oh why don't you like granny?" And see what he says, he might then tell you what's bothering him. Think your MIL is old enough not to be offended by a 3 year old.

A grandmother whose children went to independent schools and knows from experience that the 3 year olds were in nursery and not school.

His routine was completely changed, he was taken out of nursery. Don’t suppose his opinion was sought first. Feeling powerless can be very overwhelming for a just 3 year old.

I limit my visits to 3 days and follow the family’s routine.

A three year old is not the boss. Grandparents shouldn’t be sent home because a three year old can’t behave. This is not on.

Agree, and while absolutely she shouldn’t ‘go home’ because that’s what he wants, neither should she sit right next to him on the sofa because she wants if that’s what’s being referred to.

Yes, you can correct his behaviour, but it’s still ridiculous that they’re getting offended and taking it personally. They’re acting like children themselves.

Three year olds absolutely do have the ability to understand that they are saying unkind things and that pushing people is mean.

Of course, if he's overwhelmed and needs space while people are staying in his home, that's valid. But the parent/s should meet his need by taking him away somewhere else to have that space, not allowing him to meet that need by being unkind to another person or pushing them away and that going unchecked.

MIL also needs to understand it's not personal, he's not old enough yet to express what he really needs/feels and sometimes it comes out in this "meanness" because he is dysregulated and doesn't have the vocabulary to express it.

Seriously, as someone whose family are very far away and therefore who had to have parents say for more than a month each time as otherwise we'd never see them/ it's just not worth it, we also needed space. I'd have taken my child out and love bombed them in that case. But at age three, I'd start trying to channelise feelings in a different way. 1:1 time with you will probably help.

Our DD is very nearly 3 and she has these days - especially if something is out of routine or she is otherwise unsettled.
I think she is aware that she's being mean, but I don't think it is quite as intentional as an older child because at three, they don't really have the impulse control needed to make an informed decision. They get the urge to be mean, so they are mean. They can't logic their way out of that loop yet.
All the same, I don't tolerate her being unkind - I will pull her up on it and ask if she needs to go to her room to calm down (and follow through with taking her to her room to calm down if her behaviour persists), but I also try to make a note of what is bothering her and change the environment as reasonably if I can.
If people are visiting, we might hang out in her room just the two of us for stories and colouring, or if we're doing some DIY and things have moved about, I'll try to get her involved in some small way.
Also sometimes it's just that my attention has been divided and she needs it back, in which case when she's finished with her time out, I make an extra effort to play/bake/paint something fun that we both enjoy together.

Good luck OP - three is a challenge but you sound like a brilliant mum and I'm sure we'll both make it through in one piece 😂💞

In a round about way you have just told him that his behaviour is acceptable towards your MIL i.e. his Grandmother by giving him more time with you separately. He is experiencing jealousy i.e. not being the centre of attention - that needs to be dealt with as soon no-one will be able to visit for any period of time in your house. Having not long ago been told by a four year old to go home when visiting friends (his grandparents) it is extremely hurtful - your MIL must have felt so hurt. You need to step up and deal with his issues now before he becomes the one who controls you and everyone else. Your teaching him that he is the king of the castle when in fact you need to teach him that he is a part of a family not the front, centre and end of it. Assume this is your first child and therefore like all firsts he has always had full attention - that needs to stop - what happens when you have a second child if you decide to? Jealousy when allowed to bloom can be massively damaging and it is your job as a parent to manage it.

He is experiencing jealousy i.e. not being the centre of attention - that needs to be dealt with as soon no-one will be able to visit for any period of time in your house

Or alternatively he'll do what just about every child of three does, which is to grow older and develop emotional maturity and this won't be a problem.

I'm not sure why it's OK to expect such sophisticated emotional regulation from a three year old when his father and grandmother don't seem to be managing it themselves very well!

Agree

I’m gonna throw this out there. If ops fil died and she came to stay with op and her (frankly horrible) child and he was lying about her hitting him and shouting that she can’t sit down etc would pps still be saying ‘oh send the old biddy home!’ Or would that be unacceptable from the child?

I honestly can't even begin with the mentality of some parents who would actually send a much loved grandparent home because a THREE YEAR OLD is acting out.

No wonder there are so many fractious family relationships on MN. And no wonder when I used teach undergrads in a university there were so many precious little petals who couldn't cope if the world wasn't ordered to their exact liking. They were probably ruling the roost at home from toddlerhood like this!

He is 3 ... he doesn't understand how his actions effect others around him.
I'd talk to him and explain that it's unkind but the adults need to be adults for God's,sake and accept he is overwhelmed with mil there for a week he wants his normal back .

Although he is probably wanting things back to normal, you need to say that’s unkind and not let him be mean to MIL. If not checked he could go on saying mean things to get what he wants. It’s ok to say I know you are not happy at the minute but we don’t say unkind things and change the subject quickly keeping it upbeat.