AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

I think your place as his parent is to make sure that he knows that grandmother can sit where she likes! He may be pushing the boundaries/ this is a novelty / something new and he is testing things out, it is your place to make sure he understands what he can and cannot do.

The fact his dad is getting defensive and grumpy is probably exacerbating the situation not feeling normal too.

He needs to do the questioning and reassuring too (not defensively).

3 olds can understand and learn but can't regulate and don't have intention.
He isn't saying these things to be mean, because being mean requires intention for the statement to be mean. He lacks this until 7-8ish.

My son would say "go outside to sing", "stop singing" etc and I would say "that's unkind, mumma can sing in her house. I'm going to finish the song" etc if he was overwhelmed generally or by others he always had the option of going to the calm down spot alone or to have a cuddle and breathe.

He'd then apologize if he needed to, or return and re-enter when ready. I had to role model it.

Also if smothering with attention, having to sit next to Grandma, kiss grandma hug grandma, listen to grandma - that is full on some children don't like the attention.
Can it be paired back?

Hope any of this helps x

His dad is allowed to get defensive and grumpy as well, though. Although we naturally prioritise children's feelings, that doesn't mean that adults must always suppress theirs.

I'm guessing that the 3yo would be upset if he couldn't spend lots of time with his own mum; so why should his dad be made to feel guilty for spending a relatively small and precious amount of time with his own mum - who won't be with them forever?

Hello, you are correct and this will sort itself out. My son and his family live abroad so longer visits are essential. When my much loved 1st granddaughter was the same age she did this to me. I was really hurt but didn't voice this. It was totally forgotten by our next visit and I am a much adored Nana and have the best relationship. It's a good idea to take a step back. Never force anything. This didn't happen with our 2nd granddaughter who is just as much loved.

Yes hes being disrespectful and naughty. Your attitude is the problem. Would you have the same reaction if he was 4? 5? 10? At what age do you start parenting and pulling up bad behaviour? If its not nipped in the bud now he will carry on

Children! They do cause embarrassment! I don’t think a week is too long, or at least not for many children but maybe fog you’d child it is.
It sounds as though he might be enjoying the attention. He behaves badly to nana and so gets to go out on his own with mummy. He is not unusual children at this age flit from being model child to monster.
What is nana doing? I would be making a joke or game of it and go and sit on the doorstep and sing nursery rhymes. Most three year olds come to investigate. Or maybe I would say oh that is good as I did not want to come in here, daddy and I are going in the kitchen to find ourselves a snack. Or ooh good because mummy and I would like to go upstairs and read a book. Oh no because nana was going to ask you to help me look at this book.
I don’t think grown ups being upset with him or one another helps, try to minimise bad behaviour and praise good. Don’t worry next time she comes they will no doubt be best buddies.

We had this - first we addressed it with our DS. Sat him down and explained he could not talk to others like that and it made MIL sad (giving 3 yo relevant examples). This works for my DS, shouting tends to make them commit to the behaviour more. We then came up with an activity my DS and MIL could do together- drawing. We tried others but this one stuck. The issue was she wasn’t that mobile, so we got them at the table with snacks and supplies and they never looked back. My DS now asks for her to come to do that (when is X coming) as we are both rubbish and she is an established artist, fantastic teacher and they designed some amazing pictures with him. Rather than just force a relationship think what they can do together - they are related so are likely to share some sort of interest!

Sound like normal 3 year olds behaviour and as lovely as it is having MIL after a week I am sure I would want to say similar 🤣

Maybe offer some mummy/daddy alone time and take them to the park or a walk so they can cool off.

Hes 3 years old.....this is the problem. Do you think toddlers brains are fully developed? To understand being mean and horrible?
They all need to get a grip hes a child for gods sake. Adults need to adult properly

Hes 3 years old.....this is the problem. Do you think toddlers brains are fully developed? To understand being mean and horrible?
They all need to get a grip hes a child for gods sake. Adults need to adult properly

I think it is an issue with older MILs and young kids. Genuinely a puzzle, reading together or art and crafts could sort this. Get her to start with ‘oh I have an exciting idea! I have a plan!’ And lead him to the kitchen or wherever and engage in the activity. Genuinely my son went from this to spending an hour at the table with her!

Why does it make any difference to the child whether Granny is mum's mum or dad's mum?!

My dgs is 3 and can say quite unkind things to me or my parents (his great grandparents) as he feels we are taking attention away from him. We do play with him so we're not ignoring him. We don't see him very often. Dd2 and her dh are not that consistent with their approach but he did seem better last time. Normally sil takes him upstairs and we don't see him again but last time he did stay and play with us. It's difficult though. It probably helped that we didn't stay too long!

I had this with my Mum and DD when she was 3.

One night before bed she said something about not liking Grandma and I said, "It makes me feel a bit sad that you don't like Grandma, because I love her very much. She's my Mummy, like I'm your Mummy. When you grow up, you might have a little girl and I hope she loves me like you love me."

She thought about that for a bit and after that she loved her Grandma and we've never had any issues, it was like a magic cure. I do think in DD's case, my Mum can be quite smothering and almost competitive in the way that she loves people and DD wanted to make it clear that I "won" any contest for her love. I completely removed the idea that Grandma and I were in any kind of battle, at least not from my side.

She needs to be the bigger person - laugh it off and tell him she still loves him whatever. Making a big deal of this could lead to it continuing and ruin their relationship. It may be hurtful but it’s due to his age and maturity, feelings of things being out of control in his home.

Mother of 3 here and no way would i tolerate that extremely rude behaviour.

yes explain about it hurting people.

and then if he continues, I’d be punishing him in an appropriate way (tv turned off for example)

He's had enough of his granny staying, and wants his home to go back to normal. He's acting like a perfectly normal 3yo.

I'd tell him that he can tell me these things in private, but it's rude to say them in front of other people.

When is MIL leaving? Next year, only invite her for a weekend. A week is clearly too long.

I actually love the way little children are so honest about how thei feel, even when I'm on the receiving end of their negativity

Why is everything so child-centric these days?! A 3 year old shouldn't be dictating the length of anyone's visit!

Yes, a small element of control is good for children. But what do you do when he says he wants his baby sister to 'go home now'? Or you are talking to someone important (police?) and the child starts demanding that they go away?

I'm in favour of letting children control small things (which clothes they wear, which toys they have out) but also letting them understand that there are things that they absolutely HAVE to tolerate, even though they might not like it.

Telling a GM that she has to go home now because a three year old is tired of her presence is the height of pandering to me. What if she's flown over from Australia? What if she is moving in?

I am missing some information. Has he been turfed out of his room to accommodate MIL? Have his routines been severely impacted? Then a bit of compromise is necessary, as it's his home too. If that's not the case, then it's time to have some teaching moments. A 3 year old doesn't get to decide who visits and how long they stay. That's creating huge inflexibility in kids. When my older son was 1, a friend of ours moved in for 6 months out of necessity. Similar situation again ten years later when my younger son was 3. We always had grandparents visiting for about a week, as tney all had to travel. The kids' rooms were off limits, but manners and acceptable behaviour were expected. In short, these are teaching moments.

His behaviour is unacceptable and you are enabling it, why are you not taking him out so he has time without her?
Hubby could also take her out for a while without taking your child. Sounds like both you and hubby need a long chat.

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService he absolutely should suppress his feelings when they will only make the situation worse. Amazing you'll cut more slack for the great big man than the little child.

My god it's a phase that will last three minutes, drawing attention to how UNACCEPTABLE it is will just feed it.

I don't agree. Many grandparents stay a week if they live further away. Unless he is getting turfed out of his room to accommodate MIL or his routine is severely changed, there really should be enough flexibility in kids. In any case, behaviour like this definitely shouldn't be tolerated, he needs to understand and have it explained that behaviour like this is unkind and not acceptable.