AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

Mil might be lovely but he clearly isn’t responding well to her continued presence, so what may have started off as a sweet idea has clearly fallen flat.

I don't think the way of dealing with that is by ending the visit early though.

I think the way of dealing with it is identifying how his behaviour may make others feel, adults not changing their own behaviour, ie mil remaining in the room chatting with the other adults and then moving on with the day.

Its ok for kid not want to sit or play with mil at that time. It is not ok to expect her to leave

Does he go to nursery? I am very close to my granddaughter and she was about this age when she decided I couldnt play with her ..only granddad could. I spoke to her and someone at nursery was excluding her from playing. I think i explained how it made me sad the way the child at nursery made her sad. I was soon allowed to play!

This.. get him out of the situation.
I really doubt he would have just decided to start behaving like this.

He is reacting to either overhearing something about himself or a direct interaction with MIL.

MIL might be making the odd comment here and there... which DS feels is hurtful to him.. telling him to behave at the table for example.
Things which he will accept from you, but he's not used to another adult saying.
and he's taken it personally but doesn't know how to express it.. so no he probably doesn't want her to sit next to him in case she does it again.

It's clear there's an atmosphere that's grown up that none of you intended, or you wouldn't be posting. Now DS is seen as naughty or a problem or badly behaved ( whereas he might just be doing things differently to how MIL expects at the table for instance). This isn't his fault. Its the situation he's in.

Take him out for a good run around and a bit of Mum TLC, a good dinner and early bed, focus on him, a nice story, just say he's over tired. He probably is... He's probably just feeling overwhelmed with another adult authority figure that he's not used to suddenly around all the time. Things will soon calm down.

Also MIL is an adult and ought to be able to cope without drama. Your DS is still learning how to.

My 3.5 year old is kind, generous, patient, understanding and totally lovely at her best. When she is overtired or overwhelmed she can have huge reactions to things and behave in a nearly unrecognisable way. The first thing I do because of this is try to manage over tiredness and overwhelm. But I obviously also want her to be resilient and adaptable (within her means)! I love my in-laws and when they stay with us they come for a week + and so I know my DD (who is 1 of 3) will need some
time out. So I plan for my in-laws to have a day out by themselves, ask them to take my other 2 who don’t struggle so much out, take her upstairs for some quiet time with her dad or me. As she’s getting older I am trying to teach her to recognise when she needs space and show her how to ask her dad or me for it. I am lucky because my in laws are very open to learning and very calm & kind so that takes the pr saure off for my husband and me. There are loads of amazing Instagram pages (like nurtured first) that explain children’s emotions in a very clear and relatable way and that’s helped us a lot x

I have essentially two experinces of this.

1. I have worked out that when having young family to stay, something happens after day 5! Ok if they are going home on day 6. But if not, the little ones start playing up[not their fault].

2.One little boy I know, is ok until he is not. around day 3 or 4, he needs his own space for a few hours. After that, he goes back to being fine again.

He should be told that he’s being unkind and hurting people’s feelings so that he learns over time how to moderate what he says. However, the adults need to chill the hell out and stop being offended by a toddler. I’ve been told loads of mean stuff by small children and toddlers over the years and I didn’t take offence because it would be ridiculous to take offence to what they said. I did pull them up on what they said when appropriate but that’s because they needed to learn how to speak to others and not because I was genuinely hurt or upset.

Your Dh and MiL sound ridiculously fragile.

I think that the relatives are taking it too seriously, and you are perhaps not taking it seriously enough. I am sure that he is not being deliberately mean, but he is being rude, and should be discouraged from it, especially as people who are not used to young children may be unduly hurt: 'if even a toddler is rejecting me, I must be really unpopular!'

Don’t allow him to rule the roost - he needs to know his behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Hopefully his behaviour will improve on its own. One thing I found that worked with my kids when they were very little was being clear about my feelings and what I wanted. I’d tell your son that you like your MIL and you want to talk to her and have her around.

Not normal behaviour at all OP, Nursery Nurse here and behaviour like this is generally down to bad parenting.

Gosh my 2 year old says he doesn’t like me about 25 times a day 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s usually when it’s nap time / trying for the loo / eating something that’s not his choice / going out when he wants to stay home. I just chalk it up to him really saying ‘I don’t like you making me do X’, tell him I know you don’t want to do X and I love you. I’m sure it’s just them telling us they aren’t happy in that situation and can’t otherwise verbalise how they feel (maybe they don’t even fully know?). I’d just take him out just you two to give him space from the visitors and he might feel more able to be himself x

What a ridiculous thing to say. Three year olds behave in all sorts of ways, and how you respond to it is the parenting.
Are you really a nursery nurse if you go round telling people they are bad parents ?

Op I think gets the picture.
It can be normal for three year olds to speak like this, he is clearly saying he's unhappy, but he needs a short sharp 'we don't speak like that' , and perhaps removing from the situation.

To the pp who said her 1 year old can have conversations about feelings , and therefore a three year old should know better.... All children are different and their language and understanding differs. My child is almost 3 and just wouldn't be advanced enough to understand great chats about feelings.

He's being a normal 3 year old. Thinking a child of this age is deliberately being mean shows a huge misunderstanding of child development.
You know him, you know what's best for him. Protect his emotional health and let the adults get on with it.

He's only 3, and his feelings are pretty normal (id be over having a guest that long!) and hes also being rude. He needs to learn how to be respectful, even when he feels frustrated. I'd guide him on how to express himself without being mean, so he can play in his room and say something like "I need some space by myself at the moment" rather than saying she can't sit with him.

Absolutely! Granny should be immediately thrown out and told that she can only come back when the little one says so. It's the only way!

Exactly

Wow! He's 3. He does not get to dictate how long people stay in his parents' home. It's not like it's a random stranger, it's his grandmother! He needs discipline not pandering to otherwise they're going to have a very spoiled brat on their hands, (if they haven't already!).

You’re forgetting here that some people only believe that their experiences are the only ones that exist.
She’s a grandmother so therefore things were “better in her day” 🙄

18 months old is a toddler and when you are still counting in months! 2 and over is a small child and 3 is pre school!! Who is well aware of their behaviour on other by then - or should have been taught it!

He’s being rewarded by being rude and unkind to his grandmother snd getting given trips out with mum and parties for his horrible behaviour!

He knows it’s doesn’t feel normal at home and knows it’s her presence. He wants normal back.

He’s prob missing the Routine of nursery then. So his life has changed with them being there. He hasn’t his friends and constant amusement

and been in the home more - unless you have taken him out all day every day - he’s prob had enough of being at home

Your kid’s being rude.

I had this OP. We knew they meant they just wanted their space back so we said they'll be going soon and ignored anything else. Grandparents didnt take it personally at all. It passed. They just wanted their space back, they weren't being mean or unkind. There's always something behind words like that. I never saw a need for consequences and neither did grandparents.

He's fully entitled to his feelings, but he doesn't get to just throw invited family members out of the house when he thinks they've been there long enough. What would happen if, instead of a grandparent visiting, it was a new baby sibling who had arrived (obviously staying far, far longer than a week!), and whom he didn't want to be there in HIS house?

I get that being a small child is frustrating; but at that age, you don't often know what you actually want, much less what you need. If he said that he only wanted a family-sized bar of Dairy Milk for every meal and nothing else, absolutely nobody would be advocating that - even though I'm sure it would make him genuinely happier than ever being expected to try healthier foods.

The lies about DGM hitting him are seriously concerning. I can understand, to a 3yo, saying that you don't want somebody there - if you feel their presence is disrupting your normal routine or take attention away from you - and then following on by saying that they 'can't' or 'aren't allowed' to come in/sit there/do whatever... but to actually think to take that to the point of claiming abuse (not that he would understand that term, of course) is very worrying.

Maybe it was a very 'tall' embellishment of something that did actually happen - e.g. DGM didn't know that he'd quietly run up behind her and she accidentally bumped into him - but it sounds like he's saying it in an accusatory 'naughty mean nana' way, whatever did or didn't happen.

If he gets into the habit of falsely claiming that adults hit him to get attention or to get his own way, he could massively regret it if it leads to e.g. his father being forced to move out of the family home and only ever seeing him on occasional heavily-supervised visits. Even people on this thread are - maybe not unreasonably - asking if she could have hit him. Things like this can very quickly escalate.

Abuse of children is a gravely serious concern - which is why false claims of abuse of children are also deeply serious.