Page 8 | To find this statement from DP strange

Totaleclipseofaheart · 2025-11-07T21:21:24+00:00

For context- DP and I have been together a decade and recently became parents. His mother has become incredibly overbearing and after months of keeping quiet I finally confided in my DP and told him what toll it was having on my mental well being and that I (not him or us) need to see her less. Our relationship with DP has taken a nose dive since that convo and he has recently told me that he struggling to see a future for us as HE IS AT HIS HAPPIEST WHEN HE IS WITH HIS MUM AND DAD. Is it unreasonable of me to find this statement from a man in his late 30s who has just had a baby really strange?

outofofficeagain · 09/11/2025 08:42

Parkmalarky · 09/11/2025 08:29

Most of my friend’s are much closer to the wife’s parents than husband’s parents. I have two friends who made it clear that once they had children, Christmas would always be spent with their families. I have lots of friends who have moved to the area to be geographically close to her parents. There was a recent thread about a woman planning a holiday for her husband’s significant birthday, arranging for her parents to go on the holiday. Many women discourage men from having a relationship with his own family and then complain when he is emotionally absent. I also have male acquaintances who have been widowed and then re- marry very quickly.
Undoubtedly, and it is also statistically verifiable, most women have a life long relationship with their own parents whilst discouraging their male partners from having a relationship with his own family. One of the reasons women give for being economically inactive in their fifties is that they are busy caring for her parents as they age. They will become financially dependent on their husbands so they can devote themselves to caring for their own Mum and Dad. His parents are expected to fend for themselves. A lot of women openly admit that their primary relationship is with their mother.
It is sad that today, one of the commonest terms of abuse used by posters on MN is calling a man, a ‘Mummy’s Boy’. It is so widespread. There is a great deal of research to show how common it is for women to want their partners to cut contact with his family ( this extends to step children, particularly step daughters as well).

Absolutely agree.

I have just mentioned this thread on the holiday thread too. Such double standards.

diddl · 09/11/2025 08:46

None of these people are actually nice to you.

That does seem to be it in a nutshell sadly.

Screamingabdabz · 09/11/2025 09:01

Op don’t put up with this shit. And don’t allow this to be the model your child grows up with.

Irrespective of how entitled and overbearing your MIL is, it is your spineless man-child partner who is enabling her behaviour and allowing this. A decent man would carefully manage the relationship between the three of you.

So focus on him. Wtf does he want? Why isn’t he protecting you? Why does he go tittle-tattling her and then stand by why she berates you? Why do her views on parenting trump your’s? What future does he see for you both and the baby?

His answers should tell you everything you need to know.

Original poster

Totaleclipseofaheart · 09/11/2025 09:06

Bootsies · 09/11/2025 08:36

Do not let her in. If she tells you off, tell her it's not her remit and ask her to stop giving advice. Stand your ground. but I get why it's overbearing.

how did DP respond to her when she told you off in front of a group of people?

I probably would refuse to see her unless she changes her way of treating you. let DP go to his parents with baby to see them there.

and reconsider where this relationship is going but don't rush it, having a baby is a test for many couples.

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He is a ‘head in the sand’ kind of person. He would never pull her up on her behaviour

OP posts:

Original poster

Totaleclipseofaheart · 09/11/2025 09:12

Parkmalarky · 09/11/2025 08:29

Most of my friend’s are much closer to the wife’s parents than husband’s parents. I have two friends who made it clear that once they had children, Christmas would always be spent with their families. I have lots of friends who have moved to the area to be geographically close to her parents. There was a recent thread about a woman planning a holiday for her husband’s significant birthday, arranging for her parents to go on the holiday. Many women discourage men from having a relationship with his own family and then complain when he is emotionally absent. I also have male acquaintances who have been widowed and then re- marry very quickly.
Undoubtedly, and it is also statistically verifiable, most women have a life long relationship with their own parents whilst discouraging their male partners from having a relationship with his own family. One of the reasons women give for being economically inactive in their fifties is that they are busy caring for her parents as they age. They will become financially dependent on their husbands so they can devote themselves to caring for their own Mum and Dad. His parents are expected to fend for themselves. A lot of women openly admit that their primary relationship is with their mother.
It is sad that today, one of the commonest terms of abuse used by posters on MN is calling a man, a ‘Mummy’s Boy’. It is so widespread. There is a great deal of research to show how common it is for women to want their partners to cut contact with his family ( this extends to step children, particularly step daughters as well).

This doesn’t apply to our situation. I have said in my previous post that I don’t have any family here and I very rarely see my parents. I have also said that for many years our lives were very much connected to my DP’s parents and I spent all Christmas with them, which was just assumed of me. What I am saying is that because of the shift in his mother’s behaviour, I find her really difficult to be around. There have not been any arguments between me and her. I confided in my DP about the anxiety her behaviour has caused me and asked that I see her less. Not him see her less not my DC see her less.

OP posts:

Hundies100 · 09/11/2025 09:30

Parkmalarky · 09/11/2025 08:29

Most of my friend’s are much closer to the wife’s parents than husband’s parents. I have two friends who made it clear that once they had children, Christmas would always be spent with their families. I have lots of friends who have moved to the area to be geographically close to her parents. There was a recent thread about a woman planning a holiday for her husband’s significant birthday, arranging for her parents to go on the holiday. Many women discourage men from having a relationship with his own family and then complain when he is emotionally absent. I also have male acquaintances who have been widowed and then re- marry very quickly.
Undoubtedly, and it is also statistically verifiable, most women have a life long relationship with their own parents whilst discouraging their male partners from having a relationship with his own family. One of the reasons women give for being economically inactive in their fifties is that they are busy caring for her parents as they age. They will become financially dependent on their husbands so they can devote themselves to caring for their own Mum and Dad. His parents are expected to fend for themselves. A lot of women openly admit that their primary relationship is with their mother.
It is sad that today, one of the commonest terms of abuse used by posters on MN is calling a man, a ‘Mummy’s Boy’. It is so widespread. There is a great deal of research to show how common it is for women to want their partners to cut contact with his family ( this extends to step children, particularly step daughters as well).

And whilst that is all very interesting - have you read the thread? There is zero evidence of what you are describing in this case.

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 11:05

agentlebreeze · 09/11/2025 08:05

I think you mean might not be fulfilled.
Most adults in unfulfilling relationships seek new partners rather than going back to their parents.
You and I won’t agree so let’s leave it.

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No they dont just go and seek someone new. Like women, they often leave and heal before starting a new relationship because they are humans with thoughts and feelings and memories.

W0tnow · 09/11/2025 11:08

Good grief, he is a mummy’s boy. He prefers the company of his mother over his family, and doesn’t pull her up in her appalling behaviour. @Parkmalarky what do statistics and who spends Christmas where have anything to do with the op’s situation? The OP doesn’t have any family close by? Are you projecting because of your own sons’ behaviour? I’m baffled.

And @JadeSquid Id love to know how you reached your assertion that he’s ‘probably’ unfulfilled.

This thread is a perfect example of why situations like these should be posted on the relationship board.

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 11:11

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2025 08:01

There is no evidence in this thread that OP has forgotten about her role as a partner to her DP. She says that she thought that they were happy since the birth of their child but he has just told her that he is happiest with his mum and dad so is struggling to see a future for their relationship.

You are just inventing your own narrative where OP has neglected her poor partner in favour of the baby so he has needed to turn to mummy for love and support. The mummy who is rude and critical about OP's mothering skills.

I think she will be better off on her own with her child away from this enmeshed and unkind family.

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Yes the OP may have thought that but obviously since he is saying he isn't happiest with her, she has missed something over time.

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 11:12

W0tnow · 09/11/2025 11:08

Good grief, he is a mummy’s boy. He prefers the company of his mother over his family, and doesn’t pull her up in her appalling behaviour. @Parkmalarky what do statistics and who spends Christmas where have anything to do with the op’s situation? The OP doesn’t have any family close by? Are you projecting because of your own sons’ behaviour? I’m baffled.

And @JadeSquid Id love to know how you reached your assertion that he’s ‘probably’ unfulfilled.

This thread is a perfect example of why situations like these should be posted on the relationship board.

Edited

Because the man has said so! I am not guessing, I am using what the OP has said he told her which is that he is happiest elsewhere.

agentlebreeze · 09/11/2025 11:26

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 11:05

No they dont just go and seek someone new. Like women, they often leave and heal before starting a new relationship because they are humans with thoughts and feelings and memories.

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Did I say when people start a new relationship? Did I imply they don’t take time to heal? Did I suggest people don’t have thoughts, feelings and memories?
I DID say they don’t usually prioritise parents over their partners, fulfilling relationship or not. Most adults try to work at relationships especially if there’s a baby.

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 12:27

agentlebreeze · 09/11/2025 11:26

Did I say when people start a new relationship? Did I imply they don’t take time to heal? Did I suggest people don’t have thoughts, feelings and memories?
I DID say they don’t usually prioritise parents over their partners, fulfilling relationship or not. Most adults try to work at relationships especially if there’s a baby.

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Yes you clearly said that instead if returning to parents, adults go and find new partners. Sounds very unhealthy to me. Returning to your family to reset and heal sounds much healthier.

W0tnow · 09/11/2025 12:32

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 11:12

Because the man has said so! I am not guessing, I am using what the OP has said he told her which is that he is happiest elsewhere.

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ok. I wasn’t clear. You implied his unfulfillment was a result of her shortcomings. She does not fulfill him because she is lacking in some way? Not because he is being a dick.

I apologise if that isn’t what you meant.

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 12:37

W0tnow · 09/11/2025 12:32

ok. I wasn’t clear. You implied his unfulfillment was a result of her shortcomings. She does not fulfill him because she is lacking in some way? Not because he is being a dick.

I apologise if that isn’t what you meant.

Edited

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It doesnt mean that she has shortcomings or is wrong about or for anything. It just means that the relationship doesn't meet his needs and they are incompatible. Sometimes you discover that the further into a relationship you go. You just want different things from life

Cherrysoup · 09/11/2025 13:06

@Totaleclipseofaheart I’m going to recommend you do what @Redwaterr did. Sensible advice, you tell mil no more unexpected visits, no more telling you what to do with your child. I’d add telling your dp that an information diet going forward, there is no need to tell his dm you’ve changed nappy brand, wtf?!

Hankunamatata · 09/11/2025 13:18

So stop doing what she says rather than telling dp.
If she says something. You reply 'no X im doing it this way as its my choice as dc parent'

Practise and keep repeating.

Original poster

Totaleclipseofaheart · 09/11/2025 14:16

Cherrysoup · 09/11/2025 13:06

@Totaleclipseofaheart I’m going to recommend you do what @Redwaterr did. Sensible advice, you tell mil no more unexpected visits, no more telling you what to do with your child. I’d add telling your dp that an information diet going forward, there is no need to tell his dm you’ve changed nappy brand, wtf?!

He is very close with both his parents. They are the kind of family where every detail is discussed apparently. I just wasn’t aware of this until his mother started feeding it back to me

OP posts:

saraclara · 09/11/2025 14:41

Are you confident that he didn't mean that he is happiest when you are all with his mum and dad?

My DH was very close to his parents and sibling, but not at a detriment to me. They were lovely people, and I could see for myself how relaxed he was around them.

But knowing how much he loved me and our children, if he said something like that, I'd know that he was comparing us being at his parents, to us being at any other activity/being with friends etc.

Bootsies · 09/11/2025 15:07

op, google 'family enmeshment'. It's a toxic family dynamic without boundaries and dependencies... all very unhealthy.

marilyntaylor · 09/11/2025 15:22

WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 08/11/2025 08:09

I’m apparently the outlier here, but if my partner told me my mum was having a negative impact on their mental health and they didn’t want to see her as often, I’d probably struggle to see a future with them as well.

I’m really close to my mum and I’d be absolutely heartbroken if DH didn’t want to see her.

I was just thinking exactly the same thing as Wonderland. I would’ve been heartbroken if DH had said this about my mum, as I’m sure DH would have been if I’d said I didn’t want to see DMIL again.

W0tnow · 09/11/2025 15:51

marilyntaylor · 09/11/2025 15:22

I was just thinking exactly the same thing as Wonderland. I would’ve been heartbroken if DH had said this about my mum, as I’m sure DH would have been if I’d said I didn’t want to see DMIL again.

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Well yeah, me too. But my mum wouldn’t visit my husband without me and criticise his parenting choices right down to his nappy selection, and criticise him to our baby by talking about him in the third person. Would yours?

agentlebreeze · 09/11/2025 16:41

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 12:27

Yes you clearly said that instead if returning to parents, adults go and find new partners. Sounds very unhealthy to me. Returning to your family to reset and heal sounds much healthier.

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There’s a point in a parent’s life when they expect their AC to stand on their own two feet financially and emotionally. This is what I did. It seems you don’t.
My parents taught me to be independent. This is what I have done with my AC. I’m there for them but if their relationships break up I don’t expect them to run home to mummy. They don’t.
Now give up trying to get me to yield. I won’t.

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/11/2025 16:59

Maybe he’s just biting back because you basically said you hated his mum. I’m sure you would’ve been equally pissed off if he’d slagged off your parents?

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 19:28

agentlebreeze · 09/11/2025 16:41

There’s a point in a parent’s life when they expect their AC to stand on their own two feet financially and emotionally. This is what I did. It seems you don’t.
My parents taught me to be independent. This is what I have done with my AC. I’m there for them but if their relationships break up I don’t expect them to run home to mummy. They don’t.
Now give up trying to get me to yield. I won’t.

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And then a lot of other parents make sure their children and grandchildren know they will ALWAYS have a home at theirs, even if it is a squeeze or whatever. That's because they want them to come straight home if they feel unsafe or are in trouble of some sort. They don't want them to feel a burden or ashamed or a failure.

EvelynBeatrice · 09/11/2025 19:31

Sorry but if you want something to change you’ll have to effect it. Use your words. ‘That’s very interesting Maureen , but it’s not your decision is it?’ ‘ You’re not the boss here, are you? Would you like a cuppa? No, ah well. Best call before coming over next time. I want to enjoy my maternity leave and you’re constant criticism is stopping that. If you want to spend time with us you’ll have to learn to bite your tongue and stay in your lane’.

Don’t get drawn into fight. If she retorts just smile, hold up your hand and leave the room/ house. Next time if you’re on your own, don’t answer the door!!