To find this statement from DP strange

[Totaleclipseofaheart]

For context- DP and I have been together a decade and recently became parents. His mother has become incredibly overbearing and after months of keeping quiet I finally confided in my DP and told him what toll it was having on my mental well being and that I (not him or us) need to see her less. Our relationship with DP has taken a nose dive since that convo and he has recently told me that he struggling to see a future for us as HE IS AT HIS HAPPIEST WHEN HE IS WITH HIS MUM AND DAD.
Is it unreasonable of me to find this statement from a man in his late 30s who has just had a baby really strange?

So did she become overbearing when the baby arrived? If so, maybe at least consider that "keeping quiet" and not seeing her aren't your only options. There's the third, which is to set some boundaries, stand up to her when necessary and reset the nature of the relationship. Make it clear that you'll be making the decisions regarding your baby, aren't looking for advice etc. There's lots of threads on here with good scripts.

Sounds like he hasn’t adjusted to not being ‘the baby’ and centre of everyone’s attention. Your attention is on the baby now and he feels neglected I.e. no longer the centre of your world.

It’s a classic lack of adjustment to fatherhood / exposure of deep-seated self-centredness. Which one is the question. Will he adjust, or not?

If not, the resentment both ways will kill your relationship. If he’s saying he’s always felt this way, it’s already dead.

His not a man in his 30's his a boy in his 30's ! What a hurtful and strange thing to say . You are better off without him . Sorry , you are going through this .

I used to have a mummy's boy partner and they never change. Do consider what you want for your future, OP. sometimes it is easier to go it alone when your child is very little.

I hear you op can you give us some examples of the interference? I'm going through similar

There’s an amazing book which sets out the dynamic from everyone’s pov that you might find helpful befire going further with discussion

i lost my relationship with sons dad partly because of MIL issues so I feel you, it can be impossible. But I think worth remembering how devastating it can be for the father who wants everyone together and sees his family split in half and doesn’t have the skills / tools to deal with it, it can make people malfunction.

ultimately, it sounds like your MIL is being a dick and there may be a limit to what you can do, but you have to remember everyone has their hurt feelings and thinks they are right and you may find you can navigate through it with a bit of understanding

amzn.eu/d/7Y2575j

It is strange. Nothing wrong with being happy when you are with your parents, they are in most cases safety and security. Strange thing to say when you are a new father and been in a relationship for a decade. Is he scared he won’t measure up as a dad or does the new responsibility terrify him? I think you need to tell him how hurt you are by this and have a really good talk. He should be prioritising you and your new baby

Another dickhead man child mummy’s boy. So many of them about.

Happiest with his mum and dad? Not with his partner and child?

He can fuck back off and live with mummy and daddy then can’t he?

And his child? Maybe he/she is happiest with mum and dad too? Or does a child(and actually child, not a fully functioning adult who is a parent himself) not count? Honestly, let him go. Selfish prick.

I’m honestly not usually one of those mumsnetters, but is it possible he’s having an affair (physical or emotional) and is using the fact that you initiated this conversation about his DM as his excuse?

People who make a commitment usually get married first - did you not realise he was not committed - a decade of 'partnership'? Why not a marriage and therefore a contract/promise before everyone - your families, friends, authorities? I am a freelancer, I learnt the bitter way that you should not do anything, and I mean anything, without having a signed contract first. He is not a husband to you, you can't make the same request of a partner - 'that he shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife'.

Just leave this person, you made a proper commitment to him, you think he is your husband, but it is not clear to him, he thinks he is a son first and foremost, he has not made a transition to 'husband' in his mind.

If you don't leave him and the situation remains the same, you are setting yourself and your child up for a life with the person who is not committed to you both, which is awful. Ask him to marry you properly and explain what marriage means, if he refuses, leave him.

It sounds like he wants a life where his mother has this level of input into his family life. That is what some people want for themselves and they can find people who are compatible with that need. I'd say white British culture has moved away from that type of extended family dynamic though.

Now you've expressed that life isn't for you, he is wondering about how suited you really are over the long term.

I have a very, very close relationship with some members of my family. It's probably a but unusual. However, it is what I want and I wouldn't choose any man at any stage of our relationship over that.

I haven't read the thread and maybe the OP wants to get married and that's why youre saying that, but generally speaking, it might really be the woman who doesn't want to marry. They may have decided long ago marriage isnt for them as a couple. I hate when people assume the woman is desperate to marry and the man just won't.

Sounds like he is saying "I realise that I am happiest when i am with my parents, and not happy enough with you alone. So if you limit their involvement in our lives, I will find this relationship intolerable because it doesn't make me happy enough".

Yes that isn't ideal that their relationship isn't happy enough to be sustained without that input from his parents, but they are where they are and the truth is inescapable.

I wonder if he meant the statement as 'I'm happy with the level of involvement my Mum (parents) have in our lives'? You've told your partner you are finding his Mum overbearing and she's interfering. Yet, his statement says to me, that he doesn't think his Mum is overbearing or interfering and he's happy with the level of contact there currently is. Whatever happens going forward, your in-laws will be involved at the same level as they are now. Your husband has made it abundantly clear, that he's not going to cut back on contact or stop them coming to your home whenever they want. He doesn't see or doesn't want to see what you do, so therefore he's not going to do anything about it. What is your MIL doing that you are finding too much? Telling you how to parent? Wanting to be at your house all the time? Taking over when she comes around? Your husband isn't going to support you here. So the question is: what are you going to do, to protect your own sanity? Is your husband a 'Mummy's Boy'?

Have another conversation about what you’d like to happen practically speaking.

For example at the moment they come over every weekend. I’d like them to come over once a month maximum. But you can take the baby over by yourself on Saturday mornings because I understand you want to see them.

First child typically rocks the relationship.

Perhaps he’s a bit lost new baby more responsibility your attention is naturally on the baby When you say overbearing mother is it more than helpful grandma. ask him directly what he means and if he’s happy. men are more likely honest when you take the direct approach.

What is it with these useless bastards, at the first sight of responsibility they want to crawl back under their mother's skirt?
Obsolete, replaceable on so many levels.
OP, if you can practically live just with your child, do it.
Better for both of you, in the long run.

But he said that he doesn't see a future for them together. That's a statement. The stuff about his parents is just an add on so it's not the same at all.

Or at the sign they will be isolated from their loved ones, they want to retreat to safety...

So why say he didn't see a future for them together?

I can see the word police are out today... The man has said this in direct response to op telling him she wants to (not him) see mil less. His reaction to this is STRANGE even if its a 'true statement'

That’s a massive ick for me, and I’d be side eyeing him, one thing to enjoy spending time with your parents, but to be your happiest with them and want to end your marriage as your spouse only wants to spend less time with his mum is very concerning, and any decent parent would be concerned about an adult child with a family who felt that way.

What is it with these useless bastards...

Love this!! 👏👏👏👏