To find this statement from DP strange

[Totaleclipseofaheart]

For context- DP and I have been together a decade and recently became parents. His mother has become incredibly overbearing and after months of keeping quiet I finally confided in my DP and told him what toll it was having on my mental well being and that I (not him or us) need to see her less. Our relationship with DP has taken a nose dive since that convo and he has recently told me that he struggling to see a future for us as HE IS AT HIS HAPPIEST WHEN HE IS WITH HIS MUM AND DAD.
Is it unreasonable of me to find this statement from a man in his late 30s who has just had a baby really strange?

Your mil does sound a bit of a mare and good you stood up to her or just ignored her and carried on regardless.

But you OP was about your husband saying he preferred being with his parents. That's quite a thing to say. Have you asked him why? And what was his answer? Perhaps, it was said in a moment of frustration?

I think most of us find our parents, grandparents and in-laws overbearing. It’s a tale as old as time and something you have to accept and things will likely change quickly as our child and relationship grows.

It’s interesting that it is a sign of an abusive relationship if a man makes his wife/partner choose between him and her family, but it seems most of the people on this thread are encouraging the OP to make her partner choose between her and his family.

I feel happiest when I’m with my grandparents. It’s a different kind of bittersweet happiness and hard to explain. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to run off and move in with them. And it doesn’t mean I don’t feel happy with my parents, for example.

Yep. This.

The bullying mil has forced a confrontation, if she'd been normal none of this would have happened. And her dh has told OP to accept the bullying of his mother. This is on them. Also on OP for not telling the bullying woman to fuck off off with her interfering right at the start - we get the treatment we wil tolerate.

Oh and absolutely NO my mother was wonderful with my kids when they were little and not even remotely overbearing. It's not normal to be that way. Not at all.

Thank you. And how often do you see your MIL?
You have recently had a baby and this puts you and your partner in a vulnerable position.
I reflect on when my son was a baby and I some really strange thoughts that didn't reflect reality.

It depends. If my husband suggested I didn't see my parents I would leave. Its very controlling. That doesn't mean that you have to see them all the time or even at all but unless they have done something hideous I think yabu

OP has not suggested that he not see his bullying mother at all, however. Just that her bullying has made her unhappy and she wants to take a step back while he can see them as much as he likes, she literally said she has no problem with him seeing his bullying mother as much as he pleases.

I wish people would respond to what the OP says on mumsnet, not an interpretation based on their own lives.

So you think the OP is batshit and should kowtow to her bullying mil and her husband who has told her he is at his happiest hanging out with his mum.

Yes, you did imply that she's batshit. Yes, you know you did. Yep, absolutely you did and you meant it.

You should read The Yellow Wallpaper. You'd probably think the husband was the hero of the piece 😆

OP and her child ARE his family.
She's not asking him to choose. She's said that she tries to keep the peace and only told him about this "after months of keeping quiet." that she needs to see less of MIL because dealing with her is so stressful... See less. Not choose one side or the other.

The fact that you can't envisage a man might not be unfulfilled in a relationship says a lot about you.

You dont have to forget about your role as a partner to parent. Of course you will be happier with other people your relationship isn't fulfilling. You can't just expect your partner to want to be with you more than anyone else. You have to actually foster an environment and dynamic that they prefer to anywhere else.

What a totally nonsensical comment. Genuine bollocks and an attempt to attack another commenter, while having absolutely no relevance of any kind to anything on the thread 😂You sound utterly batshit. Unhinged.

I think it is very relevant to the man saying he doesn't see a future with the OP. Do you think he's saying that because he's happy?

Is this some sort of slur against people with mental health issues? "Check your meds?"

What do you mean by this?

Have you come here just to issue personal attacks that suggest that I am mentally ill?

Presumably he is offended that you dislike his mom so much, and told him so.

Not saying you are wrong to feel like that about her, she does sound rude and annoying.

But it's still his mom.

I know on Mumsnet everyone goes NC with their parents/in-laws/siblings etc at the drop of a hat, and it's seen as a pretty standard move, but in reality, in my experience the vast majority of people (certainly ones I know) love their parents even if they don't think they are perfect, and would feel extremely defensive and pissed off if their partner said they disliked their parent and never wanted to see him or her again.

I don't know what the answer is, because I don't think it can be good for your mental health to have this woman coming round shouting the odds about the nappy brand you use (FFS). However, I don't think your partner was ever likely to go, of course that's fine, I totally understand why you hate my mom and wish to cut her off.

Everyone will say your dp's loyalty should be to you..... But I am sure he would prefer not to have to choose.

He probably doesn't literally mean his happiest times are with them - people say hyperbolic things when they are hurt and defensive.

Rather than not seeing her any more, could you ask your dp to maybe have a word with his mom about the way she speaks to you and how it makes you feel?

Good luck.

Bloody hell. The mad things I said in the first year of parenting.

Its not ideal, but surely a bit of leeway should be given for the dad as well as the mum at this time? Its a tough transition. So many so quick to say leave when things may work out fine

So to get it right:

DP sees them all the time. He knows what she’s like. So he’s either round there telling tales on purpose and/or is too fucking stupid to stop over sharing every detail in full knowledge what the consequence is for you AND he does nothing to protect you from constant meddling and criticism.

I know you’re likely feeling exhausted on mat leave but you need to reflect on how and why you don’t stick up for yourself.

Next time he says he’s at his happiest with mummy, say well that’s incredibly hurtful to your partner and child. I will need to reflect how I feel about our relationship. Don't let her in. Have some stock phrases ready to say back. Etc.

None of these people are actually nice to you.

There is no evidence in this thread that OP has forgotten about her role as a partner to her DP. She says that she thought that they were happy since the birth of their child but he has just told her that he is happiest with his mum and dad so is struggling to see a future for their relationship.

You are just inventing your own narrative where OP has neglected her poor partner in favour of the baby so he has needed to turn to mummy for love and support. The mummy who is rude and critical about OP's mothering skills.

I think she will be better off on her own with her child away from this enmeshed and unkind family.

I think you mean might not be fulfilled.
Most adults in unfulfilling relationships seek new partners rather than going back to their parents.
You and I won’t agree so let’s leave it.

Most of my friend’s are much closer to the wife’s parents than husband’s parents. I have two friends who made it clear that once they had children, Christmas would always be spent with their families. I have lots of friends who have moved to the area to be geographically close to her parents. There was a recent thread about a woman planning a holiday for her husband’s significant birthday, arranging for her parents to go on the holiday. Many women discourage men from having a relationship with his own family and then complain when he is emotionally absent. I also have male acquaintances who have been widowed and then re- marry very quickly.
Undoubtedly, and it is also statistically verifiable, most women have a life long relationship with their own parents whilst discouraging their male partners from having a relationship with his own family. One of the reasons women give for being economically inactive in their fifties is that they are busy caring for her parents as they age. They will become financially dependent on their husbands so they can devote themselves to caring for their own Mum and Dad. His parents are expected to fend for themselves. A lot of women openly admit that their primary relationship is with their mother.
It is sad that today, one of the commonest terms of abuse used by posters on MN is calling a man, a ‘Mummy’s Boy’. It is so widespread. There is a great deal of research to show how common it is for women to want their partners to cut contact with his family ( this extends to step children, particularly step daughters as well).

Do not let her in. If she tells you off, tell her it's not her remit and ask her to stop giving advice. Stand your ground. but I get why it's overbearing.

how did DP respond to her when she told you off in front of a group of people?

I probably would refuse to see her unless she changes her way of treating you. let DP go to his parents with baby to see them there.

and reconsider where this relationship is going but don't rush it, having a baby is a test for many couples.