To find this statement from DP strange

[Totaleclipseofaheart]

For context- DP and I have been together a decade and recently became parents. His mother has become incredibly overbearing and after months of keeping quiet I finally confided in my DP and told him what toll it was having on my mental well being and that I (not him or us) need to see her less. Our relationship with DP has taken a nose dive since that convo and he has recently told me that he struggling to see a future for us as HE IS AT HIS HAPPIEST WHEN HE IS WITH HIS MUM AND DAD.
Is it unreasonable of me to find this statement from a man in his late 30s who has just had a baby really strange?

I’m another one thinking he probably meant happiest when his Mum and Dad are around alongside you and the baby, I remember feeling a bit like that when I had my first baby, especially at Christmas and other special occasions, it was a nice feeling of expanding my original family at the same time as stating my own new family.
it sounds like better communication is needed.

Maybe this what he means as I love my kids and my husband but also love seeing my parents and spending time with them.

This nails it. Get organised and leave.

Is he struggling with being a new parent? I spent a lot of time with my parents when my first was a baby, I was suffering with PND and I just felt safe there (my DH was back at work so it didn’t cause any issues with him)

It can be difficult to adjust for both parents when you have a baby, you need to sit down with him and communicate clearly about how you’re both feeling.

he struggling to see a future for us

He's given her an ultimatum - love my parents or bye-bye. That's a world away from what you and @Wbeezer describe.

Early parenthood is tough. Does his mum do lots of the heavy lifting with the chlldcare when he is there? I can imagine that someone taking on a major part of his responsibility would make him happy - if that's what is happening.

Obviously tough for you too. Relatives shouldn't interfere and respect your boundaries. And OH should be supporting you too.

He is pathetic.

Your future is going to be riddled with manipulation and submersible control.

He is worse than MIL. Two peas in a pod.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but is it really so odd that he should be relaxed and comfortable, maybe at his most relaxed and comfortable, around the people who raised him and have known him from birth? And who love him unconditionally?

It is true that in-laws are very often overbearing and reluctant to let their adult child go. It's also true that partners often try to detach the adult child from his or her parents and diminish their role in his or her life. Sometimes both these factors are simultaneously at play.

My own thought was that he did mean he is happiest when his parents are there too (not instead of you), and he feels that if you are finding his mum difficult and want to back off from seeing her so much, he feels she is being unfairly ousted.

This makes sense, and explains why he cannot see a future.

If someone we love is not loved equally by the other 'someone we love,' then it creates a lot of stress and worry, and I do not take it to mean that he wants or needs you less, but that he gets that sense of complete happiness when everyone is together.

I am similar; I loved my ex to bits but I was happiest when we were together at his family home because it was such a wonderful place to be.

Are you sure this isn't down to all the stresses and strains of having a new baby? When you're both sleep deprived things can get massively out of proportion, and it may be that he thought back wistfully to the days when he didn't have these responsibilities.

He's made it clear what he thinks. Fair enough if he's not happy as a couple, but he's choosing his DPs over his own child too, that's awful. However, expect a lifetime of her influence if you split. DH will go running back there. He's shown you he's a mummy's boy and thinks there's nothing wrong with MIL being overbearing and intrusive already.

If he wants to see her he should but you can always decide to take a step back. If he’s going to try and threaten your relationship then let him go. Make sure you financially safe and can go solo if needed.

Oh dear, don’t give up your job OP and make sure you stay financially independent. It could be this is just the stress of a new baby talking though.

Ew. Ridiculous little mama’s boy - send him back there.

Maybe what you find overbearing about his mum seem normal to him. I also find my MIL overbearing especially when we had DC1 and FIL had to tell her to stop being rude and overbearing at one time, thankfully they live far away so we don’t see them often but at the time, DH and I would talk before the visits and just bear it till they leave as he also found her overbearing. Over time, she now behaves herself.
However, I don’t think if I told DH at the time that we need to go low or no contact with her that it’ll bode well for our relationship. Same as my mum, she’s not perfect, also overbearing in other ways but if DH is telling me put a distance between us, etc, I’ll find it extremely controlling. When there’s no abuse involved on my mums part, she’s made mistakes just like we all do. But at the end of the day, we don’t have to agree with everything they’ve done, I’ll correct her when I can but I won’t just stand with a man telling me to just discard her so I feel what your partner is saying.

If he has a close relationship with his parents it’s not surprising that he’s going to defend them if he feels you’re being overly critical of them. Maybe he thinks you’re trying to manipulate him into backing off from them, and is just making it clear that’s not going to happen. As long as you confirm that it’s just you who is taking a step back, and that you’re not trying to pull back your dc and him from having a relationship with his parents, then I guess it might calm him down. Good for him that he’s not going to let himself be in a tug of war between both sides.

He’s saying he’s too immature and pathetic to look after his family as he’s the one who wants looking after.

you are in deep denial. It is bad. He’s happiest with his parents after having a baby. That sounds all normal to you?
his mother is overbearing- she won’t get better AND he will side with her

you lost already sorry op

Its very weird and frankly offensive.
I would be deeply deeply concerned.
You need to go back and unpack this.

How is he adjusting to fatherhood?

When you are with mummy and daddy very little is expected of you. Especially if you have a penis.... it is escape from responsibiliy? Does he want a simplier easier lfie where less is expected???

Is he jealous of the baby? (More pathetic and common than most women realise)

Does he see them as his "real" family?
(You arent married)

The least bad option is still really quite bad qnd will take a lot of work to fix even he wants to fix it, which he may not...
You need to get to the bottom of what it means but its very troubling...

Picking over his words matters less than the underlying message. The relationship you want to have with his parents doesnt work for him. Their involvement in your life doesn't work for you. There needs to be compromise or your relationship will fail.
Sit down for a conversation where you try to thrash out something that works for you both. It's more helpful to speak in positive factual terms rather than emotional blanket statements, so not "your parents are overbearing I need to back away" but "can we ask your parents to come on Sunday rather than drop in whenever they want to in the week, as I prefer to plan for it?"

I’m apparently the outlier here, but if my partner told me my mum was having a negative impact on their mental health and they didn’t want to see her as often, I’d probably struggle to see a future with them as well.

I’m really close to my mum and I’d be absolutely heartbroken if DH didn’t want to see her.

Man-baby is realising he isn't the baby anymore, & he doesn't like it. You have the beginnings of what could become a big problem, & you need to get some couples counselling booked.

Just throw in a different prospective.

when my MIL died (years ago now) my DH commented that he was now an orphan and even through he was in his late 40’s he was feeling lost. I understood as I had lost both my parents.

but he then went on to say that he felt he lost his safety’s net, that safe place he could go to and the world couldn’t touch him. Again I understand that he sort of felt the same, your parents and their home is the one place where you don’t have to be a full on adult. Yes if you have children you still have their care but tbh your parents normally help out with that. But just for as long as your visit lasts, you don’t have to worry about the bills/dinner/housework/or anything that being an adult requires.

maybe being a new parent, that’s what he’s finding at his parents, it’s not that he doesn’t want you or the baby, just that sometimes he just needs to have all that responsibility lifted for an hour or two.

He's happiest where he's adored and catered for, and needs to recognise the behaviour of his parents towards him is now what he needs to replicate as a parent himself.

If he feels safe, loved, relaxed with his parents, he needs to create that environment for his child. Not be a manchild himself for the rest of his life. A baby is hard and the transition is very sudden and a shock to the system, especially when you've been together so long before having a child (my husband and I were together 12 years before having ours and what a shock to our relationship that was 😆)

Needs a really serious talk or it'll be a problem for all the time you're together and he'll let down his own child while worshipping the parent child relationship he values in his own parents.

This is really tough. I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep.

I’d suggest trying to talk to him again and get to the bottom of it. What exactly does he mean? It’s unfair to leave you in limbo, pondering over every detail of the conversation and not knowing where you stand.

Early Postpartum life is hard and you really need to communicate well to get through to the other side. Nothing can prepare you for parenthood and some times, it separates the men from the boys.

I hope you can find a way forward together, however that looks.