To find this statement from DP strange

[Totaleclipseofaheart]

For context- DP and I have been together a decade and recently became parents. His mother has become incredibly overbearing and after months of keeping quiet I finally confided in my DP and told him what toll it was having on my mental well being and that I (not him or us) need to see her less. Our relationship with DP has taken a nose dive since that convo and he has recently told me that he struggling to see a future for us as HE IS AT HIS HAPPIEST WHEN HE IS WITH HIS MUM AND DAD.
Is it unreasonable of me to find this statement from a man in his late 30s who has just had a baby really strange?

You need to deal with MiL, not your DP. The line is very much, well, we do things differently now and smile. You possibly have post-partum depression btw and should talk to your health visitor and GP.
I'm sad your DP has turned out to be a manchild, though. You might have to review the relationship.

I feel blessed I have a partner at all, with my many failings. I think if people were a bit more introspective, they would feel that not only others are blessed to have a partner at all, but they themselves are so too.

Bet you wouldn't even think to say that about a woman.

Oh dear. If he's one of those types, then it's the end, OP. Neither you, nor child or the family you thought you made with your DH will ever come first.

You're in denial.

these are your words (capitals are yours)

he has recently told me that he struggling to see a future for us as HE IS AT HIS HAPPIEST WHEN HE IS WITH HIS MUM AND DAD

how can you possibly think you have a good relationship his mindset is that he's struggling to see a future for you.

But definitely also this.

If you're so flawed that you are truly lucky that anyone has got with you, then it sounds like a sorry situation all around.

I'm friends with the mil in this situation. Her son comes home to stay every weekend for a night out with his mates and to play sports, leaving his DP and DC at home. DP is still on mat leave.

MIL thinks this is entirely reasonable as "DIL gets to do her things whilst he's at my house", er what about the DC?? I really feel for the DIL as it ain't going to get any better, and I just hope she sees the light and kicks him into touch.

What an infantile wanker.

Divorce him and find a man.

I think you need to be asking more questions. Why does he feel this way? Is it the feeling of contentment he gets why you are with his extended family? Or is it because he can go back into child role because he is overwhelmed by the responsibility he now has - lots of people dont really understand the commitment they made until their child is born. If so, it may be a temporary thing. Or does he not want to be a grown up. And has he really broken away from his parents? Lots of people struggle to do this but I truly believe that, although it is not an all or nothing thing, allegiance needs to shift to the family you are making and away from the one you grew up in.

Are the in-laws submariners, also?

Sorry, I realise that my humour is quite out of place.

Like others, I think communication is key here. Can you explain with examples what MIL is doing that is making you uncomfortable? Can you ask him to come up with some solutions?

Hopefully, some clear communication will lead to new boundaries and things will improve.

Good luck, OP.

I was reading somewhere that a lot of the unconscious mothering that women often do for men taking care or them and their needs changes when a baby comes as that mothering gets rightly channelled into baby. It was suggested as one of the reasons why relationships can worsen / men can become unhappy when they have a child. He might be really welcoming and encouraging this extra mothering from his mother at this time so he can feel like the centre of attention again.

In the grand scheme of things, his wife and DC should be around longer than his parents. Of course he should love them and want to spend time with them, but life's general pattern is that you move on from your parents to create your own family.

I would ask him to attend marriage counselling with you so that you can his feelings through and yours as well, and see what happens.

Ultimately, your marriage could be over though, and you need to prepare for that. He has literally told you that is he is struggling to see a future with you. That is the sentance you need to unpick in counselling so that you can both move forward from there, either separately or together.

white British culture

What is white British culture exactly, who are you referring to? Im white, and British and I have no idea what connection you are making with non white British culture. You're better off just saying the English as lots of white ppl who are british come from cultures where mil has alot of input. Actually alot of white English men are exactly the same so id say its more of a stupid man issue then a colour one.

I thought they were not married? How can you attend marriage counselling if you are not married?

It's a cultural one. Intergenerational living and things like that have become a thing of the past for white Brits. You learn that in GCSE Sociology.

I've had a similar issue. Always had a good relationship with in-laws when we lived in different cities but when we moved to the same town it wasn't harmonious at first.

I'm an introvert, I like a closed house and I don't really like socialising during the week. I just see people at weekends and that enough for me.

I think when we first moved, there was an assumption (from his parents) that it would be an open house and they could call round whenever and invite themselves over.

Many arguments with husband over it, in the end I messaged my MIL and said politely that I didn't want unannounced or uninvited visits. Since then, they knock instead of just walking in and they invite us to them rather than (in my eyes) imposing on our household. I always made it clear to husband that, I didn't mind him or the children seeing his mum more, but I just didn't want to be involved if it was going to be more than once a week at the weekend. I've also told my husband that I'm open to suggestions to invite his parents to ours if that's what he'd like to do (as part of it for me was having some advanced warning as if I know it's coming up, I can make sure I've got enough social battery).

I just think if they want to see their parents, that's fine, but they need to recognise that that is their want and not yours and they shouldn't be forcing you to do that if it's making you deeply unhappy.

Thank you so much to all of you who have responded. I am overwhelmed by the amount of messages and useful ideas. Thank you!!
We are not married but I think this is beside the point.
My family aren’t around so our lives have always centred around his parents to be frank and I would say the relationship with his mother was fine, cordial, respectful. That changed when our chikd was born. She tells me off for the things I do wrong, corrects me (last time it was in a room full of our friends and was really awkward) gives me unsolicited advice, speaks to my child about me in 3rd person to point out what I am doing wrong. She hasn’t got anything to say to me anymore unless it’s about my child and parenting. It’s really exhausting to have to justify majority of parenting decisions. She knows about them because my DP talks about these things to his parents but then a day later I get an unannounced visit (I am on maternity leave) and she will tell me off for something. The last one was to have a go at me for using the wrong nappies (her son told her we changed the brand we use). It’s absolutely exhausting dealing with her and I need a break. I have no problem my DP seeing her with our DC as often as they please. I just haven’t got the steam to be fending off her punches so to speak.

You have a DP problem, OP. He needs to sort his mother out.
I feel for you as I had a similar MIL problem. It only stopped when my DH read her the riot act.

Yep, let’s all just walk out of our relationships on a whim.

U do realise you just answered with nonsense, you didnt actually say anything that answers my question 🤣🤣🤣 now please reply with an answer, what is white British culture in relation to men who want their mummies to hold their hands as grown men. And please confirm that only non white British men do this as white brits have moved away from this nonsense. Please explain!!!

Very strange tbh, you and your baby are where he should feel happiest such an odd comment for him to make. He sounds very immature and needs to grow up now that he is a father

Many if not most other cultures wouldnt classify a man who wants a close relationship with his mother and her input into his family life as a "Mummy's boy". That's probably the fundamental difference and you've demonstrated it perfectly.

😂😂😂

Oh, they are all out today!

I wouldn’t be a whim in these circumstances.
what an arse he is @Totaleclipseofaheart.
wtf is he doing running and complaining about you to his parents! Is he doing it to create a bizzare bond with his mum about poor him and baby with such a terrible mummy…. Then she can swoop in a be the rescuer!! What a total dick!!