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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how the hell I can get out of this hen do?

196 replies

BossaNovaOnAllNight · 07/11/2025 20:18

...without disclosing my pregnancy early! I have been added to the hen do whatsapp of nightmares! Weekend in Marbella, deposit needed by Sunday and lots of passive aggressive messages about saying sooner rather than later if you can't come because it will make it more expensive for others. I am friends with the bride only as I'm her work friend and my due date is on the date smack bang in the middle of the weekend for her hen. I know missing it because I'm pregnant is totally fair enough but I don't know how to tell the chat, without telling the bride and this will cause me stress at work. I'm really not ready to tell everyone at work yet and wanted to wait until I'm further along... what would you all do? Make something up ( in which case the bride will probably be offended that I'm not coming as she isn't in the chat but will bring up her hen at work ), or tell a group of slightly aggy strangers before I even tell family? It feels wrong! Thanks in advance for any replies, I will be watching responses like a hawk!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/11/2025 20:19

Reallly sorry I can’t make it. Hope you all have a wonderful time.
Leave group chat.

Reversetail · 07/11/2025 20:20

Just say you can’t go, why are you so worried about everyone else’s reactions? Your decision, and your life.

Sillysoggyspaniel · 07/11/2025 20:20

Really sorry, boiler has just gone so all the spare pennies for the foreseeable are going on that. Have the best time!

waterrat · 07/11/2025 20:21

god not a big deal - just say sorry I can't make that. thanks

Candleabra · 07/11/2025 20:21

Just say no, leave the chat and stop bothering about what almost complete strangers think. Don’t over think it. And congratulations!

21ZIGGY · 07/11/2025 20:21

Just say no. If you need an excuse, they're already away that weekend.

Hayley1256 · 07/11/2025 20:21

Really sorry but I'm actually at my DH's cousins wedding that weekend

waterrat · 07/11/2025 20:22

why would you even think of disclosing it - just say you are at really unmissable family event all that weekend booked ages ago sorry - as soon as you are able you can tell the bride anyway so even if she is pissed off it won't be for long

maslinpan · 07/11/2025 20:22

Even if you weren't pregnant would you honestly want to go? You only know the bride and there's already a stream of stressful WhatsApp messages about the weekend. I would bale at this point anddo something separate with the bride once you are able to share your pregnancy news. And congratulations!

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 07/11/2025 20:23

Going to an abroad hen do for a work friend is way above and beyond! Just politely decline and leave the chat

CauliflowerCheese00 · 07/11/2025 20:23

I’d make something up that is so obviously unmoveable that your friend can’t take offence - and later down the line you can have a quiet word about being sorry you weren’t upfront but you just weren’t ready for people to know about the pregnancy.
The obvious choice to me is the hen being the same date as a family members wedding.

IsntItDarkOut · 07/11/2025 20:23

Another wedding/hen do/birthday for someone you are related/closer to than her. ‘Sorry it’s my grandmas 80th’ etc

jimbort · 07/11/2025 20:23

Say you can’t believe it, what are the chances etc but you have another hen or a wedding that weekend (best friend or family member ) And you have already agreed to it. Congratulations!

MangoBanjoe · 07/11/2025 20:24

Sorry, got a family wedding that weekend, have fun!

Come clean to your colleague later down the line and take her for lunch.

MittensTheKittens · 07/11/2025 20:24

Just say you can't make it.
Just had something similar set up 12 invited, 8 are going.
There was no pressure, everyone has their own responsibilities and finances.
Your friend will realise your pregnant in a few weeks/months anyway.

CauliflowerCheese00 · 07/11/2025 20:25

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 07/11/2025 20:23

Going to an abroad hen do for a work friend is way above and beyond! Just politely decline and leave the chat

Also this. Sounds like hell.

quintessentially166 · 07/11/2025 20:25

You are allowed to say no and you don’t have to give a reason( Is rather someone be honest than lie

waitam · 07/11/2025 20:29

My "regret" note (which is to anything hen/weekend/party related these days lol), is to say, Hi thanks so much for the invite, I won't be able to join you all due to a prior commitment that day/week/weekend. Hope you all have a lovely time and looking forward to seeing the pics."

No sorry, no deep dive explanation, just straight to the point and polite.

If anyone asks you for more info about your "prior commitment" you say, it's a private thing in the family or similar. No info. Nobody's business. I've never had a fallout yet and I turn down a lot of things.

ilovesooty · 07/11/2025 20:29

No need to tell lies. Just thank them for the invitation and decline politely saying that you can't make it.

FuzzyWolf · 07/11/2025 20:31

“I’m really sorry I’ve got plans for that weekend that can’t be moved. I hope you all have a lovely time and I look forward to hearing all about it.” Then remove yourself from the group.

Zanatdy · 07/11/2025 20:32

No excuse needed for that group, as PP said just say so sorry I can’t make it. Bride will understand later on. Don’t stress it. You have a perfectly valid reason not to attend.

scienceteachersarefun · 07/11/2025 20:32

I agree with pp - don't lie.
Just say you can't make it, and leave the group chat.

CosySeason · 07/11/2025 20:34

‘I’m sorry I can’t attend. Have a great weekend!’ and then leave the group. These aren’t your close friends, you don’t need to worry.

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/11/2025 20:36

"Thank you for inviting me. I'm sorry but I can't come, but obviously hope you all have the most wonderful time!"

How hard is that? You don't even have to say it to anyone's face. Couldn't be easier.

Clarinet1 · 07/11/2025 20:39

I don’t think fibbing about another wedding is a good idea - surely, in time, it will become obvious what the real reason was but you will still be thought badly of for lying. I’d go for something more like @waitam‘s idea - a prior commitment in the family - well your due date is certainly both those!