To ask how the hell I can get out of this hen do?

[BossaNovaOnAllNight]

...without disclosing my pregnancy early! I have been added to the hen do whatsapp of nightmares! Weekend in Marbella, deposit needed by Sunday and lots of passive aggressive messages about saying sooner rather than later if you can't come because it will make it more expensive for others. I am friends with the bride only as I'm her work friend and my due date is on the date smack bang in the middle of the weekend for her hen. I know missing it because I'm pregnant is totally fair enough but I don't know how to tell the chat, without telling the bride and this will cause me stress at work. I'm really not ready to tell everyone at work yet and wanted to wait until I'm further along... what would you all do? Make something up ( in which case the bride will probably be offended that I'm not coming as she isn't in the chat but will bring up her hen at work ), or tell a group of slightly aggy strangers before I even tell family? It feels wrong! Thanks in advance for any replies, I will be watching responses like a hawk!

No need to lie.

tell them you have a medical procedure then and cannot go

Generic message to the group. Message the bride separately to explain that you aren’t announcing it yet, but this is why you can’t come.

'I have checked my diary, I can't be arsed that week'.
Simple and to the point.

Thanks so much for the invite!
would have been brilliant but sadly I can’t make it
Have a great time - I can’t wait to see the pics!!

Then leave the chat x

I'm also going on a hen weekend I would have absolutely no issues with someone dropping out because they were pregnant

You have a "very big family event" already on that date, which you have no control over - very sorry!
And then when you do announce the pregnancy, you can just say "now you see what I meant!" - it IS a very big event for your (new) family 😁

It always baffles me why people find it so difficult to decline an invitation.

There are loads of good suggestions on this thread that you can use without having to lie.

“I already have immovable plans for that weekend, so sorry I can’t make it. Hope you all have a fantastic time!” Is all that’s needed.

I don’t understand the ‘tradition’ of waiting to tell about a pregnancy until 12 weeks. It also perpetuates the miscarriage stigma for te unfortunate women affected. Miscarriage is a lot more common but because people don’t say anything until after 12 weeks when people do miscarry it makes them feel more of a failure when in fact it is incredibly common.

Or maybe people don’t want to discuss their heartbreaking miscarriage with all and sundry (eg vague acquaintances and work colleagues) because they find it upsetting to talk about. So that’s why they only tell very close friends and family early on.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6206670/

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/14647001241266173

https://www.vogue.com/article/why-is-there-so-much-silence-around-miscarriage

…..and many many many more examples. By shrouding early pregnancy in secret we are making it worse for ourselves in the long term. I don’t understand where the tradition came from. It doesn’t exist in many other countries.

I find it appalling that this is made so hard for people. Hen dos really aren't my thing. A few very close friends have had them in recent years and have no issues with that because they know me. But a friend a long time ago kicked off at me hugely when I would have gone but I was penniless "but it's just a few drinks". I couldn't afford a can coke at the time.

Op just say you're unable to go. And if they cause issues you know they are not your frirnds.

Just say you have something on, sorry, can't come. I did the same for a friend's wedding - it was on a remote location & no way I was going around my due date!

I told her as soon as I was ready to announce. She admitted feeling sad I wasn't coming but understood once she knew.

If you’re a bit timid: “apologies but I’ve already booked hotel for granny Joan’s 90th/big family important gathering that weekend, such a shame to miss it”

If you’re not timid: “Lol I’d rather shit in my hands and clap than spunk a grand on a hideous Marb hen, but enjoy the £18 drinks and drunk men in Hawaiian shirts grinding on you”

Copy and paste.

Reply with "sorry I cant make it that weekend as I already have something booked then leave the chat". You are having a baby over that time period so do have plans. They will soon realise why you cant attend.

People have the right to keep pregnancy news to themselves if they don’t want the possibility of having to talk about their miscarriage with a random guy in the office, for example. You won’t persuade me otherwise, whatever evidence you present.

You're busy that weekend. It's simple. It's a family thing.

Of course you have the right, I’m not the rights police. It’s a shame however that early pregnancy is considered taboo. If more women dropped the 12 weeks rule then early miscarriage would be more normalised and also women going through it would have better support from
society.

i’m just saying that the OP is tying herself up in knots over what should be really simple: ‘sorry I’m preggers and due to give birth on that day’. Job done. Stress isn’t good for the baby.

Seems a lot of man-made (no pun intended) stress over the most natural thing in the world. ‘Woman is pregnant’. It literally is the very basis on why humans exist and it’s ridiculous the lengths thst some people go to hide the fact that they are pregnant.

just own it !!! tell them you hope they have a great time but currently ure dealing with alot of 💩 and you don't want to spoil it for others as your heart is not init best of luck!!!

Just say that you can’t go, send some overly friendly messages and then leave the chat, you don’t need to give a reason. If pushed just say someone in the distant family is getting married/has a birthday etc

Just say sorry, I am unable to attend but I hope you have a lovely time. No need to lie or make a big deal about it.

I’d just say I can’t make it and that’s that. Who gives a shit what they think - sometimes people can’t make events.

And don’t lie, it’s never convincing and always unravels.

I don’t get why you wouldn’t tell a close friend you are pregnant and if she is not a close friend then you shouldn’t feel bad in declining the invite anyway!

The only opinion you need to be concerned for is that of the bride. The financial position of randoms is not your problem. I would use one of the responses suggested by the posters above which does not go into detail. Then remove yourself from the group. When you are ready email the bride privately and tell her about the pregnancy and the fact that you were not ready to announce it. If she is really your friend she will understand.