To ask how the hell I can get out of this hen do?

[BossaNovaOnAllNight]

...without disclosing my pregnancy early! I have been added to the hen do whatsapp of nightmares! Weekend in Marbella, deposit needed by Sunday and lots of passive aggressive messages about saying sooner rather than later if you can't come because it will make it more expensive for others. I am friends with the bride only as I'm her work friend and my due date is on the date smack bang in the middle of the weekend for her hen. I know missing it because I'm pregnant is totally fair enough but I don't know how to tell the chat, without telling the bride and this will cause me stress at work. I'm really not ready to tell everyone at work yet and wanted to wait until I'm further along... what would you all do? Make something up ( in which case the bride will probably be offended that I'm not coming as she isn't in the chat but will bring up her hen at work ), or tell a group of slightly aggy strangers before I even tell family? It feels wrong! Thanks in advance for any replies, I will be watching responses like a hawk!

You are waaaay overthinking this. She's your friend from work. Just say sorry, you can't go, clashes with <something else>

I agree with the others who are saying. Dont tell lies! They always come home to roost! Just say sorry i cant come! Congratulations on your lovely news. Im sure its all going to be fine!!

Just say your terribly sorry but you already have long standing commitments that weekend that cannot be changed, but hope everyone has a wonderful weekend & you look forward to seeing the photos

I'm sorry, I'm going to give this one a miss as I'm not feeling it being pregnant and everything that comes with it.

This is just the perspective of a 63 yo man with a live in daughter that was recently pregnant. You will be hormonal, tired and probably feel protective towards your baby. This is you and baby time, cherish it and move forward. I wish you every blessing!

Genuinely baffled that you even need to make a post for advice about this, Is it really that difficult to say “no thank you” 🙄

Hey op just message back I can’t confirm right now so best you plan it without me I don’t want to let anyone down.

I am great fun - at things I really WANT to attend! I just don't go to things I know are not going to be enjoyable for me. That's OK in my book anyway.

I bet if you scratched the surface there are far more invitees who groan when they see an invite on Whatsapp/in the post to a hen or a wedding of friends, especially if it's out of town.

I have a great extended family. I go to all their events/birthdays/weddings/ whatever it is. My brother is a musician and he brings along his fellow musos and we have an absolute ball. Anything else it's a no from me.

The issue is she feels its too early to announce the pregnancy.

Some women are fine with everyone knowing, their good and bad news others would rather keep quiet incase it doesn't end well.

OP, "unfortunately I have a prior engagement that weekend, have a great time".

A work colleagues Hen is a ridiculous ask, even if you like her.

You’re already art a wedding - Sod’s Law it’s the same weekend 🤣

If you say you can't make that particular weekend. Then they could change the date to accommodate you. A week before or after. Which leaves you with having to say you can make that weekend either. Better say no to the hen do for personal reasons

You don't need to give a reason in a group chat full of strangers. Just politely decline.

If the bride asks you at work, you'll have to make something up if you're not ready to tell her. She'll understand when you eventually spill the beans and if she doesn't, she's not worth worrying about.

Your cousin is getting married that weekend

No need to lie. Just that she can't make it.

I don't understand why anyone needs to make up elaborate lies.

Exactly. Just say you're busy. It isn't a drama. It's like OP expects everyone to interrogate her and veg her to come as opposed to just saying ok fine

This is a perfect reply because it’s actually totally true! Major plans to have a baby! I agree to leaving the group but maybe add, you have my number in case a local night out hen do gets arranged too? That way you could go out for a meal maybe with the bride?

Sounds awful even if you weren’t pregnant! You don’t even know these people and the WhatsApp is already stressful. I agree with the rest. Say sorry you can’t make it that weekend, hope everyone has a great time and leave the group. Maybe take the bride out for dinner or something just the two of you.

☝️ 100% this!!

Something like this OP is to the point as well as polite.

I would take out part about the prior commitment, keep it simple that you can’t make it, but add a line that “I will leave the chat for now” and exit the group.

Congratulations, hope all goes smoothly for you!

I'm really not sure why it is so difficult to just say no?

Unmissable family event is true. I'd go with that

I would have loved to attend but due to unforeseen family circumstances it’s just not possible but thank you so much for thinking of me.

My close friend had a foreign hen do many (many) years back. I don’t even remember what my excuse was, but probably “thanks - but not my thing”

You don’t even know these people. Just say “sorry I can’t make it. Hope you all have a lovely time”. Then if the bride asks you then you can either tell her the truth or make up an excuse.

It’s a big commitment regardless of the pregnancy. She isn’t a good friend if she can’t see that.

@BossaNovaOnAllNight have you replied with your regrets yet? It isn't difficult.

I have yes, I was a bit taken aback by the nasty responses ( like yours ) so wasn't in a rush to update. The person going on about miscarriage and still birth for about five posts was uncalled for too. I just asked a question, in the interests of not letting my friend down for an event that's important to her- no need for the rudeness. Oh and I think it is difficult, hence my post in the first place.