To ask how the hell I can get out of this hen do?

[BossaNovaOnAllNight]

...without disclosing my pregnancy early! I have been added to the hen do whatsapp of nightmares! Weekend in Marbella, deposit needed by Sunday and lots of passive aggressive messages about saying sooner rather than later if you can't come because it will make it more expensive for others. I am friends with the bride only as I'm her work friend and my due date is on the date smack bang in the middle of the weekend for her hen. I know missing it because I'm pregnant is totally fair enough but I don't know how to tell the chat, without telling the bride and this will cause me stress at work. I'm really not ready to tell everyone at work yet and wanted to wait until I'm further along... what would you all do? Make something up ( in which case the bride will probably be offended that I'm not coming as she isn't in the chat but will bring up her hen at work ), or tell a group of slightly aggy strangers before I even tell family? It feels wrong! Thanks in advance for any replies, I will be watching responses like a hawk!

This

Thanks so much for the invite, unfortunately I am already engaged at an important family event that wekend, hope you have fun.

And then remove yourself from the group.

If the bride is then rude enough to ask what the event is, it's fine to lie to her if you want to.

I wouldn't think twice about saying no with no reason given. I hate hen dos. You are busy with something else on that date you don't need to say what.
I dont drink alcohol and don't want to spend the weekend with a bunch of pissed people basically.

Bet people think you’re great fun! Will you care when the invites stop coming and you have nothing to politely decline?

Yes make the decline message to the point, and friendly. I would then message the bride privately and ask to take her out to lunch/spa a few weeks before her hen weekend to celebrate.

She will understand,, and when you are ready to announce your pregnancy she will totally get why you won’t be at her hen.

I have never understood why you would expect people to pay such large sums to attend things like this!! To me it’s just so extravagant and indulgent.

Yeah, you’ve missed my point. Many people don’t tell in the early stages not because it’s “taboo” but because they don’t want people that they’re not close to potentially knowing that they’ve had a miscarriage.
Not because they’re ashamed or it’s a taboo subject but just because something deeply upsetting is not what you want someone you’re not close to asking you about, or even just saying they’re sorry to hear about etc - because it forces you to address something deeply emotional, even if briefly, with a person you’re not close to.

In fairness, you do, very often, have a brilliant time. I love being asked. So long as the organiser isn’t offended if someone can’t make or just can’t afford it.

In fairness, you do, very often, have a brilliant time.

What makes it a brilliant time? The people or the weather?

We used to have a brilliant time on hen dos in the Uk as it was the people and a bit of drink that made it all fun. This was without the need to spend money on a flight and accommodation

I’m not sure why people are telling you to lie. Why can’t you just be honest to your friend? It’s fine to tell the group that you can’t make it but I’d then have to tell my friend the real reason why.
I thought women were trying to get away from not announcing pregnancies until after twelve weeks in case of a miscarriage when really, we should be more open to being supportive if this happens and the woman doesn’t have to bury it within themselves and pretend nothing’s happened to the outside world.
There’s obviously other reasons why some people don’t want to share their news early on and that’s fine.

Why can’t you just be honest to your friend?

because she doesn't want t tell her friend she is pregnant .without disclosing my pregnancy early!

I can't come to your hen do, the next question is alway why?

so op wants something else, a white lie, to say until she is ready to let the world know she is pregnant

I think send a generic message saying sorry you can’t come, thanks for the invite, hope it’s a great weekend! Then leave the group

if the bride pushes for an explanation then say family commitment, but don’t over explain or give any reasons unless she actually asks

once you have disclosed pregnancy at work then you can tell her this is why you were not able to attend, and like a PP suggested maybe take her out for lunch instead

any lies at this point will become very transparent in a couple weeks/months once she finds out you are pregnant! And will leave you in a worse position because then she might tell colleagues you lied etc. Better to think longer term here.

and congrats on your pregnancy! 💕

This is interesting grief psychology.

miscarriage is about death, yet it is treated differently to when a born person dies. It is not clear why the death of a born person is treated differently to the death of an unborn person.

if a child or adult dies, people don’t try to hide it. People might not want to talk about it, but they don’t lie to hide it. Yet miscarriage is treated as something ‘people don’t need to know’. It is treated differently.

who came up with the rule that it is ok for people to know aboit the death of a born person, but it might not be ok to talk about the death of an unborn person?

I get that people deal with grief differently; but it is true that the 12 week rule is self-imposed by many women. Who came up with the 12- week rule, and why? You get a scan at 12 weeks, but for millennia yiu woukd not get any type of scan. You’d only find out yourself you were pregnant after a few months of no period or other symptoms. So when did the hard 12 weeks for ‘telling people’ become the norm?

so you see, I still think it is bonkers that the OP is potentially going to tie herself to a lie that will likely unravel and cause stress and embarrassment just because she doesn’t want to tell people she is pregnant yet. Is it really worth the stress?

having said this, it’s also true that the ‘grand announcement’ has become a bit of a thing in modern times hasn’t it? So maybe for some women the ‘all eyes on me’ moment of the grand reveal is an opportunity to be centre-stage they are not willing to give up on.

I know that’s why she doesn’t want to tell her friend the real reason right now but the rest of my post was explaining how I thought women were encouraged now to not keep a pregnancy a secret for the first twelve weeks if the reason is in case they miscarry. Women shouldn’t be ashamed or uncomfortable with others knowing this is happening/happened to them.

If she just puts in the group chat that she's unable to make it, then leaves the chat, no one has the chance to ask why. Following up by asking why is rude but if people do, all she has to say is that she has another commitment, which she does. No lying needed - of any colour.

This is the point to drop out though? Before the deposits and while the organiser is actively requesting confirmation?

You are really overthinking this.....

Good points.

The 12 week thing.
I came across someone who'd told lots of people very early on about her pregnancy. Which she then lost.

Months later people who'd heard she was pregnant, who'd missed the miscarriage update, were asking, about the pregnancy and due date!

There are also women who go to scans to get told its not viable. And a decison needs to be made. Thats not something people want randoms to know.

I wouldn't lie about other commitments. No money, cost of living!

Short and sweet is the way. Minimum info, you can't make it, then leave the chat. No agonising required, no fibs, no drama.

it happens. I’ve had acquaintances who on asking ‘how is x, y or z’ I’ve been told they have passed/divirced/ in a bad way etc. the living also die and on occasion you ask ‘how’s your sister’ to then get the ‘they died in a car crash’.

a few years ago I was having mayor gastro issues and I had to make a decision about some unsavoury decisions (think stoma care). I don’t go into mayor details I just say ‘gastro issues’. I don’t invent that an alien came and kidnapped me to avoid explaining.

I’m not saying you should give intimate medical details, but making up stuff of increasing complexity is bonkers. People are not too stupid (yet) to not understand that pregnancy sometimes has complications. A lot of mental health issues around miscarriage and complex pregnancy issues woukd be softened if we got rid of this ‘tradition’ of a grand reveal after 12 weeks- as if complications couldn’t happen after 12 weeks! By that token you might as well not say anything until the kid is at sixth form and go into confinement so people don’t see yiu are pregnant. Imagine having to explain you’ve had a stillbirth! Isn’t it the same thing? By the same argument then women should not say anything at all until the baby has been born. The logic doesn’t add up.

Congratulations! Don’t lie.
“Have a fantastic time unfortunately I am not available that weekend “ and leave the group.

Politely decline the invitation and leave the group chat. You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you won't be going.

I’d just say I haven’t got the budget for it (to my friend, not the aggy group of strangers).

On the chat I’d just say “Hi, I’ve let the bride know I can’t make it, unfortunately! I’ll remove myself from the chat xx” .

Say no. They might be annoyed but then the reason will become obvious and they will all understand and be insanely jealous.