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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how the hell I can get out of this hen do?

196 replies

BossaNovaOnAllNight · 07/11/2025 20:18

...without disclosing my pregnancy early! I have been added to the hen do whatsapp of nightmares! Weekend in Marbella, deposit needed by Sunday and lots of passive aggressive messages about saying sooner rather than later if you can't come because it will make it more expensive for others. I am friends with the bride only as I'm her work friend and my due date is on the date smack bang in the middle of the weekend for her hen. I know missing it because I'm pregnant is totally fair enough but I don't know how to tell the chat, without telling the bride and this will cause me stress at work. I'm really not ready to tell everyone at work yet and wanted to wait until I'm further along... what would you all do? Make something up ( in which case the bride will probably be offended that I'm not coming as she isn't in the chat but will bring up her hen at work ), or tell a group of slightly aggy strangers before I even tell family? It feels wrong! Thanks in advance for any replies, I will be watching responses like a hawk!

OP posts:
scienceteachersarefun · 07/11/2025 21:01

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/11/2025 21:01

Sorry, afraid I have something on then that I can't get out of.

It's the truth! 😂

Absolutely 😁 💯!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/11/2025 21:02

I think saying you have a family event that you cannot miss is sort of true!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/11/2025 21:04

"Sorry, I can't make it that weekend"

Job done. You're really overthinking this OP

CunningLinguist2 · 07/11/2025 21:04

BossaNovaOnAllNight · 07/11/2025 20:18

...without disclosing my pregnancy early! I have been added to the hen do whatsapp of nightmares! Weekend in Marbella, deposit needed by Sunday and lots of passive aggressive messages about saying sooner rather than later if you can't come because it will make it more expensive for others. I am friends with the bride only as I'm her work friend and my due date is on the date smack bang in the middle of the weekend for her hen. I know missing it because I'm pregnant is totally fair enough but I don't know how to tell the chat, without telling the bride and this will cause me stress at work. I'm really not ready to tell everyone at work yet and wanted to wait until I'm further along... what would you all do? Make something up ( in which case the bride will probably be offended that I'm not coming as she isn't in the chat but will bring up her hen at work ), or tell a group of slightly aggy strangers before I even tell family? It feels wrong! Thanks in advance for any replies, I will be watching responses like a hawk!

Just say you’ve a long planned family thing on. Can’t go.
Bo lies told :)

lanthanum · 07/11/2025 21:05

Go for the "prior commitment", and if pressed, you could say "a family thing" without lying.
If you're worried about the bride being told you're not coming and being offended, you could ask the group chat "please don't mention to Bride that I can't make it; I want to tell her myself but I need to find the right time". That might buy you some time, although it's possible that they might not wait long enough before dropping you in it.
If you make something up, I think it's the sort of situation where any decent friend understands when the truth comes out!

CunningLinguist2 · 07/11/2025 21:06

scienceteachersarefun · 07/11/2025 20:50

Then the friend at work will ask questions about the wedding. It's hard to maintain a lie.

But the truth will become apparetn well before the hen do. It’s fine! Say you’ve a big family surprise thing. Once you show or tell work, colleague will see what that ‘big family surprise thing’ is :)

scienceteachersarefun · 07/11/2025 21:08

CunningLinguist2 · 07/11/2025 21:06

But the truth will become apparetn well before the hen do. It’s fine! Say you’ve a big family surprise thing. Once you show or tell work, colleague will see what that ‘big family surprise thing’ is :)

Yeah, saying a family surprise or event is a good idea. It'll just save her months of having to invent wedding lies!

AmITheProblemOne · 07/11/2025 21:09

I would just say something along the lines of sorry can’t make it, already have plans for that weekend, have a fabulous time. Then leave the WhatsApp group.

If the friend is a true friend all will be ok. You could always arrange to take her to dinner instead to show her she’s important to you.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/11/2025 21:11

I’m a terrible lier so I wouldn’t make something up. I’d just say something unexpected has come up and give my apologies.

Needspaceforlego · 07/11/2025 21:17

Money, sorry can't afford it trying to save for our wedding / bigger house / new car / pay of debts / mat leave / just dont have the money.

Nobody can ever argue with someone elses finances. I wouldn't make up stuff about other weddings or events because they are things you can be quizzed on.

scienceteachersarefun · 07/11/2025 21:18

Needspaceforlego · 07/11/2025 21:17

Money, sorry can't afford it trying to save for our wedding / bigger house / new car / pay of debts / mat leave / just dont have the money.

Nobody can ever argue with someone elses finances. I wouldn't make up stuff about other weddings or events because they are things you can be quizzed on.

Yeah, the money thing is the best idea, it'll shut it down.

GehenSieweiter · 07/11/2025 21:20

Wolfiefan · 07/11/2025 20:19

Reallly sorry I can’t make it. Hope you all have a wonderful time.
Leave group chat.

This.

ThejoyofNC · 07/11/2025 21:20

No money
Attending a wedding
Got a family holiday booked

FinallyHere · 07/11/2025 21:24

you say the messsgd is sooner rather than later. So why are you delaying g, say ‘sorry I can’t make it. I’ll be thinking of you al”, have a great time.

simples. Do it now.

pilates · 07/11/2025 21:24

You are over complicating this.

‘Sorry I can’t make it’
and leave the group chat.

Skippydoodle · 07/11/2025 21:27

So sorry, I can’t make that date. Have a great time and please do send me lots of photos!

lizzielizard · 07/11/2025 21:28

You can't go because of a birthday of a close family member and you have to be there (being as you're the mother but they don't need to know that bit 😅) Completely truthful.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/11/2025 21:33

Really sorry, I have plans that I am unable to
change for that date. Hope you all have a fab time! Then leave the group.

Jc2001 · 07/11/2025 21:34

Why do so many people find it difficult to say no?

Wetcoatsandmudagain · 07/11/2025 21:41

waterrat · 07/11/2025 20:22

why would you even think of disclosing it - just say you are at really unmissable family event all that weekend booked ages ago sorry - as soon as you are able you can tell the bride anyway so even if she is pissed off it won't be for long

Perfect 🤩

Lovemycat2023 · 07/11/2025 21:41

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think it’s fair enough to get people to commit one way or the other Asap so you need to do that.

Assume the bride isn’t on the group and you are worried about telling her separately ?

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/11/2025 21:46

You aren’t lying, you do have family plans that weekend, you’re planning to have a baby that weekend. That’s a pretty family thing.

RazorsAtDawn · 07/11/2025 21:46

MangoBanjoe · 07/11/2025 20:24

Sorry, got a family wedding that weekend, have fun!

Come clean to your colleague later down the line and take her for lunch.

This

KathyDuck · 07/11/2025 21:48

Can’t make it but you’ll all have to send me lots of photos. Have fun!

scienceteachersarefun · 07/11/2025 21:48

lizzielizard · 07/11/2025 21:28

You can't go because of a birthday of a close family member and you have to be there (being as you're the mother but they don't need to know that bit 😅) Completely truthful.

Brilliant! I love that.

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