Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

[Findmrcrumble]

For several years now myself, my now ex-husband and 3 other couples have had a little tradition of going on a mini weekend away over the early May bank holiday. It’s always a lot of fun, a weekend where we get to go out late, eat lots, sunbathe and drink without the expectations of parenting.
In July my husband and I split and we are now getting divorced. Neither person actually did anything wrong, we just realised we weren’t happy in the marriage.
Today one of my friends very cautiously told me that they have decided that they don’t want to be seen as taking sides as we are both still there friends so it’s probably better if neither of us come this year. I have already said to the group that I wouldn’t mind going and my ex being there, we are co-parenting well etc. but apparently he doesn’t share that sentiment and thinks it would be odd in the context of a group couples trip. I understand this and I get why he doesn’t want us both to go. However I can’t help but feel like since it is him who doesn’t want us both to go that shouldn’t stop me going?
It’s really hurt me as I get so much joy out of this little group trip and these are my closest friends.

AIBU to be hurt I’m not invited?

So you both shared the same interests?

It would be good if people stopped treating single women like social outcasts but I can’t see it happening any time soon.

It is, and anyone who writes "nah" is a total arse.

I actually don't agree that people view a single woman as a threat. Why would they ?
I think people just find it bloody weird that a single person would happily tag along as a third wheel in amongst a group of couples. Who would actually want to do that anyway?
Arrange a weekend away with the women of the group op, one of them was your friend before even being involved in the couple situation.

Thats the reality of divorce. Awkward for everyone.

@Praying4Peace , it's not a joke but you took it out of context.
Not many will be thinking it knowingly, but it will be there.

@SanctusInDistress , some men will see themselves as the 'knight in shining armour', and the 'damsel in distress' will become very attractive to them.

@Minnie798 ,they probably don't do so knowingly.

Find new friends, this happens unfortunately. So called friends say they don't want to pick sides and hey presto you're the one whose no longer included in the friendship group......so hurtful, feel for you!

Hi op it’s bound to hurt. But as it’s a couples group it is probably best you don’t go as others have said it might be ok now but what about if one of you meet someone else and then they say the other person can’t go it will hurt either way. Can the ladies start a new tradition on another date?

I actually don't agree that people view a single woman as a threat. Why would they ?

All the many women posting here, telling of our experience of this, have imagined our own life experience then?

It is obvious why they view the now single woman as a threat - they worry their husbands will try and have a crack at them, which in my experience many do.

sounds like it's more some women projecting than anything else.

I have already said to the group that I wouldn’t mind going and my ex being there, we are co-parenting well etc. but apparently he doesn’t share that sentiment and thinks it would be odd in the context of a group couples trip.

I agree with your ex husband. It would be weird to go away on holiday as if nothing had happened. Awkward for everyone.

I don’t see why you can’t go with them on your own though. He can do stuff with them in his own too. Even numbers aren’t mandatory.

What?

Nah. Nobody gives a shiny shit who you go on holiday with.

The couples want to go on holiday in a couples holiday minus the two who are now in the middle of a divorce. Bulldozering people's boundaries is weird and gross, fortunately you're not in charge of their holiday. Hope this helps.

Well, they said they don't want her there, so that's why she can't go.

Sorry OP but surely you can see that this would spoil the holiday for everyone? It’s not a group holiday, it’s a couples holiday. You are not a couple. In fact you are so much not a couple that you dissolved your marriage.

You won’t be the only couple who drop out of this arrangement, it’s just unfortunate you’re the first.

Nah.

I am extrapolating that those who are pretending to believe (or maybe weirdly do believe) it's all about a single woman being a threat have shagged married men themselves before. It's the last thought that would enter most of our minds, and projection is a real psychological phenomenon.

No shoulds are in operation. People choose how they spend their holidays. If last year’s was tense because the OP and her DH were on the brink of divorce, they certainly don’t want a repeat performance.

And honestly, even if it was fine last time - they have said no, so that's that. I am always astonished by how many mumsnetters feel entitled to bulldozer other people's boundaries.

There's no hint at all that they don't want to be her friend, and her friend was cautious but straightforward about telling her the news, which honestly was a kindness.

Divorce is a very real loss and people grieve over it. OP sounds like she's still at the trying to be breezy and "we're all adults here and surely we can manage this without a fight, after all we've known each other for years, and though we're not in love any more we still feel love for one another and we do have children together!" stage of developments, and thinks she and her ex wil be friends into the future.

That's not going to happen - source: reality.

I think she has not yet realised how painful the losses are going to be, and is reacting to this holiday news from that place, her pain is not about the holiday, it is about the loss of all her hopes and dreams, the life she had, the plans she made. Her happy memories of that holiday as a happy couple are actually a good reason not to go, it won't help her heal at all, it's just an attempt to hold onto past happiness.

I do feel sympathy for her, been there, done that. But I was pragmatic about other people's involvement. Friends are not our therapists and they generally don't want to be. The two women I was able to share my pain with had been through something very similar to me, as for the rest I didn't expect special treatment or for them to let me push in as a third wheel.

And if her ex is not already dating, he soon will be (almost certainly), that just doesn't seem to have entered her head. They're not friends and they will not be friends in the future and soon he will be prioritising another woman over you. It's truly difficult to get your heart to believe that, even though your head knows it is true.

I had been separated from my ex for about fiveish years when we finally organised the divorce. I had been in a new relationship for about two years (and I went on to marry him, he's wonderful) and when the decree nisi came through I just burst into tears. In no way did I want him back (at all!) but losing a marriage is losing an awful lot and the grief just flooded over me again all at once.

I have been quite blunt with the OP on this thread, because I think she needed to hear it. But I do feel sympathy for her. I just think she is directing her upset at the wrong people, and if she wants to keep their friendship will have to adjust her expectations. She's single now, her ex is in the past, it is hard but she will have a better time and feel less "devastated" if she accepts her new reality and looks to the future..

People are posting from experience, something you seem lacking in.

Nah.

It’s really crappy and thoughtless of this group to make the decision for you and your soon to be ex husband. I’d message them something like this ‘Hey, appreciate it might be weird for you all with mine and DXH situation, but I’d / we’d still like to come for for the weekend.’

Lol. They've said she can't come. So that's that.

They’re making a decision for themselves. They get to choose how they spend their limited holiday time and budget, and they’ve chosen for this to remain a couples’ holiday. They’ve also decided they don’t want to invite only one of their divorcing friends and don’t want to spend their holiday with a couple that is mid-divorce and thus incredibly unlikely to be as chill and amicable as OP thinks.

Couples holidays are different from mixed-group ones (and from family holidays, girls holidays, romantic getaways, etc). OP presumably was perfectly happy with the nature of the trip and having no singles included as long as she was a couple. It’s hard that that’s no longer the case, but it doesn’t mean that the other people are all obligated to turn the holiday they want into something else. It also doesn’t mean that her friends don’t value or care for her any more than my going on a break with my friend and SIL next week means I don’t care for their husbands and children.

I think you may need to learn what "boundary" means.
Nobody's "boundaries" have been "bulldozed".
The misuse and weaponisation of these types of concepts is a serious issue.

On another note- What is this weird thing about a "couples holiday" anyway? Do you all have synchronised sex or something 😆😅.