Uncle making upsetting comments about my parenting.

[hkathy]

Young ‘uncle’ (close family friend), 60s, has two grown up children of his own.
Came round for dinner about 6 months ago. Two year old comes home from 10 hour day at nursery. Wants attention from me. I read her a book.
Showing uncle something on youtube. Two year old wants to watch peppa pig. No tantrums, just a bit of whining.
Uncle makes small comment about ‘setting’ boundaries.
DH takes DD upstairs for bath. DD cries.
Uncle says that when she’s acting out like this we should ignore her because she’s manipulating us.
I say yes ok.
Day later uncle sends a text saying ‘hope I didn’t speak out of turn. But you need to set boundaries, don’t let her rule over you’
Week later uncle sends a parenting book in the post; doesn’t even pay enough postage so we have to go to the post office, pay the £1 or whatever it was, come home to find he’s sent us a parenting book.
Month or so later uncle sends another text. “Watching a little girl DDs age at the station. Parents looking exhausted.”
So on every month or so. Can’t remember all the texts. most recent one says “Remember! don’t let the tail wag the dog”.

Since it’s an uncle, I haven’t said anything out of respect. Just ‘ok, thank you. Thank you, yes that makes sense’

But it’s now eating away at me. Essentially he’s saying my kid is spoilt. I am NOT confrontational and wouldn’t/ couldn’t say anything to him. Even if I tried I think I would just make an arse of myself/ get upset/ cry.

Seeing him for the first time since the original comment next week, in a family setting. No doubt he will bring it up. I’m so upset about it I’ve hired a babysitter and won’t be bringing the kids.

What would you say/ how would you approach it? Bear in mind the more confrontational you are with him the more it will strengthen his view, it will essentially be pointless to say something against his viewpoint.

Be a bit curt in your responses: 'WE find that x works well' (for example) and stick on that line. He should get the hint quickly. It's hard to remember that you yourself are not a kid anymore and can slap him down a bit without it being devastatingly rude. You are his equal it's fine just say whatever you say calmly and confidently and it'll be fine.

Nothing unusual about that if you work full time. That's normal for many, many families and, if you are happy with the nursery, nothing to worry about.

My DD is 30 now and I went back to work four full days a week (9 to 5:30) when she was about 9 months so she was in nursery from 8:30 to 6pm. She loved the nursery, thrived there and became very socialised from early on. I think that is why she found starting school a breeze at five.

Edited to add that the posters who think the kids will become "little emperors" because their parents then pay lots of attention to their kids after nursery are also talking bollocks. It's obvious when you think about it, that the children who have spent all day learning how to interact with other children, how to share and cooperate, are far less likely to be spoilt then the ones who have been the centre of attention in their own home all day.

I definitely think you have taken this too much to heart and i wonder why his opinion matters so much to you, when you see he's just being a dick. Or is it you secretly feel a bit guilty (unncessarily) about the long nursery days so his criticism has hit you in a soft spot? Take a bit of step back to understand why this has bothered you so much and why you can't gaily brush him off with a "she's fine, we're fine, we're doing it our way, no need for your advice Uncle".

However if you do need a response hit him back where it hurts If he fancies himself as a cool young for his age type, a comment in slightly kind patronising tones along the lines of "thanks for the book Uncle , it so interesting to realise how much ideas about good parenting have moved on and changed in all the [30+?] years since you were a young father". Sweet smile. If he comments agan
"well I guess we want to learn from all the mistakes of our older generations don't we". Sweet smile. Pat his hand

If that doesn't stop him, you do have to get firm "come on Uncle, pull your head in now, she's our kid and we are fine with how we are handling things and don't need advice"

(I speak as a recently turned 60 year old so believe me, this will sting😁)

Well if the DC is in nursery for 10 hours then they are likely to be tired and cranky, so probably aren't the best behaved (which no-one can blame them for that).

I would just ignore him/change the subject or walk off. Failing that can't you ask your DM to have a subtle word?

I would be hurt by this. I don't think I'd relish seeing him and certainly wouldn't invite him over any more. Imagine what else he'd say about your child as she grows?

Please, don't hold back!

He may seem 'young' when he is partying with younger people, but he's really just an old fashioned misogynist at heart.

Oh, so OP shouldn't be judgemental about her uncle's child rearing abilities based on how her cousin has turned out but it's OK for her uncle to judge her parenting of her child based on a tired two year old wanting her mum's attention after spending 10 hours in nursery? Such double standards.

Full working day plus commute either side.

I see it on here all the time where someone comes on and asks a perfectly reasonable parenting question and it just descends into a "parents these days" rant from certain posters.

Are you offering to pay OPs mortgage then?