Uncle making upsetting comments about my parenting.

[hkathy]

Young ‘uncle’ (close family friend), 60s, has two grown up children of his own.
Came round for dinner about 6 months ago. Two year old comes home from 10 hour day at nursery. Wants attention from me. I read her a book.
Showing uncle something on youtube. Two year old wants to watch peppa pig. No tantrums, just a bit of whining.
Uncle makes small comment about ‘setting’ boundaries.
DH takes DD upstairs for bath. DD cries.
Uncle says that when she’s acting out like this we should ignore her because she’s manipulating us.
I say yes ok.
Day later uncle sends a text saying ‘hope I didn’t speak out of turn. But you need to set boundaries, don’t let her rule over you’
Week later uncle sends a parenting book in the post; doesn’t even pay enough postage so we have to go to the post office, pay the £1 or whatever it was, come home to find he’s sent us a parenting book.
Month or so later uncle sends another text. “Watching a little girl DDs age at the station. Parents looking exhausted.”
So on every month or so. Can’t remember all the texts. most recent one says “Remember! don’t let the tail wag the dog”.

Since it’s an uncle, I haven’t said anything out of respect. Just ‘ok, thank you. Thank you, yes that makes sense’

But it’s now eating away at me. Essentially he’s saying my kid is spoilt. I am NOT confrontational and wouldn’t/ couldn’t say anything to him. Even if I tried I think I would just make an arse of myself/ get upset/ cry.

Seeing him for the first time since the original comment next week, in a family setting. No doubt he will bring it up. I’m so upset about it I’ve hired a babysitter and won’t be bringing the kids.

What would you say/ how would you approach it? Bear in mind the more confrontational you are with him the more it will strengthen his view, it will essentially be pointless to say something against his viewpoint.

Stop saying thank you. It's just encouraging him to dispense his 'wisdom'.

If I wasn't a complete conflict averse people pleaser, I'd like to think I would say (in an even and non confrontational tone) something like: 'Can I stop you there - we're perfectly happy with how we are parenting DD and her behaviour is entirely age appropriate. She's 2, she's going to have some tricky days. We're happy that we deal with them in a way that suits all of us and our individual needs. I appreciate you're trying to help, but people are all different, and what may have worked or not worked with Bertie isn't necessarily the right way to handle things for us and DD.'

And if he keeps pushing / saying 'I was only.... ' then repeat 'As I say, we're all different.' and refuse to be drawn any further.

Eta: oh, and take them to the party/whatever it is!!

"Mmm, that's an interesting thought uncle Bob. I'm comfortable with our own parenting choices right now, but thanks for sharing your opinions"

Said with a smile and change the subject right afterwards
Extremely non confrontational and shuts him down.

I hate confrontation but this would drive me insane and is so out of order! Cancel the babysitter and take your children don’t let your uncle dictate how you raise your children. Next time he makes a comment just roll you eyes and say “gosh you must have forgotten what it’s like having young children” or “careful, you are really showing your age there uncle” something along those lines. If it doesn’t stop then be straight with him and tell him it’s not his place to tell you how to parent.

I would be tempted to either completely ignore the comments and not offer any response at all, or I would say something along the lines of: "Thanks for the advice but we're keen to do things in our own way - after all, she's our child and we know better than anyone what works for her. We'll definitely come back and ask you if we need any more input from you, though."

At least he is interested in your child and is well-meaning. As a parent of older children, I understand what he’s saying. It does seem like the kids are running the show these days. Drives me mad how young mums think the world should revolve around their offspring. Get over yourselves

Wow, confrontational or what!

Ooo that's more than tempting ,I'd start with telling him when I need your input I'll ask.
The one about the son would be the nuclear weapon option if it continued.

Honestly I'd probably just tell him to f off and keep his opinions to himself! But then, I'm not worried about offending people who are being offensive to me 🤷‍♀️

YABU.
Stop being a wet lettuce and start standing up for yourself.

They’re not afraid of upsetting you so why are you afraid of upsetting them?? That’s bonkers.

Your Uncle is right about one thing. YOU need to learn to be much more assertive in your relationships so that you can also teach your daughter how to stand up for herself too.

Do you want her to grow up kow towing to know-it-all muppets just like your Uncle?

My dad's partner was like this. I started off by saying mmmm yes OK thanks, but before long it was making me so angry that I had to find excuses to leave the room when she started making comments.

Then she sent me a message saying she could see I wasn't coping and that I needed to "accept help" (meaning let her take over. I had a contented little dream baby and was fine!) I told her where to shove her unsolicited opinions and I haven't seen her since.

She has three adult kids who refuse to speak to her. Seems to be a trend with these people!

So you can - just phrase it differently. How is (your son) doing? Is he working yet? (If not), Oh dear, you must be very concerned about how he’s struggling.

Or you go the direct route. ‘You’ve made your point, we don’t agree, so let’s drop it.’

Said firmly to my DF, followed by a glare at him by DSM.

I like that.

Next time he gives you unsolicited advice on parenting, I’d word my response like “And how did that work out for you with adult son?”

What nonsense. Overly authoritarian parents have never been any good.

yeh fairly close, mums youngest brother and always been more like an older brother/ cousin

I have found the perfect Christmas gift for your dear uncle.

To Peach Their Own: A Picture Book About Minding Your Own Business: Amazon.co.uk: Sammon, Jeff: 9798985629040: Books https://share.google/YCduxDu2PDt5RK3wr

"Thanks but I'm not taking parenting advice from someone whose own son doesn't talk to him."

😂😂😂😂

I absolutely would say that, the patronising fuckwit.

If you don’t feel able to tell him he’s overstepping and upsetting you I would ask my Mum to tell him to stop. Perhaps he means well but he’s harassing you.

Sending a parenting book was extremely rude.

The other option is not to hold back any of your feelings and let yourself just burst into tears next time he comments. He’ll be appalled and shut the hell up.

He's not well meaning. He's just an interfering know-it-all who has failed at parenting his own son who doesn't speak to him and doesn't have a job.

OP was in her own home with her daughter who had just spent a 10-hour day at nursery which is a long time for a 2-year old. It was perfectly normal for her to want her mum's attention. It isn't OP thinking that the world revolves around her daughter.

Opinionated and rude elderly men should get over themselves and not provide unsolicited and unwelcome outdated advice about parenting small children.

How about a very nice and polite “Oh - that’s interesting. Is that what you did with Fred?”

Make sure you say it in a most respectful voice.

Maybe he knows he fucked it up completely with Fred and so wants you to learn from his mistakes.

Or maybe not.

This is the problem. Kids have 10 hour days at nursery and then, understandably, the parents feel guilty and treat their children like gods. It’s not rocket science.

Ah. Then he feels "entitled" to do this as you say cos you're "close". But obviously he's overstepped.

This is his point of view too. But DD wasn’t acting like a spoilt brat, I would have disciplined her if so. She’s not unruly or wild and we do have clear boundaries, but after a ten hour day at nursery it is understandable that we give her our time and attention! It’s basic attachment.

Which is probably along the lines of what I will say.

I also have to add, none of this is ever directed at DH. Who is treated like dad of the year because he hoovers, tidies the kitchen and once a week puts the kids to bed in the evenings.