Uncle making upsetting comments about my parenting.

[hkathy]

Young ‘uncle’ (close family friend), 60s, has two grown up children of his own.
Came round for dinner about 6 months ago. Two year old comes home from 10 hour day at nursery. Wants attention from me. I read her a book.
Showing uncle something on youtube. Two year old wants to watch peppa pig. No tantrums, just a bit of whining.
Uncle makes small comment about ‘setting’ boundaries.
DH takes DD upstairs for bath. DD cries.
Uncle says that when she’s acting out like this we should ignore her because she’s manipulating us.
I say yes ok.
Day later uncle sends a text saying ‘hope I didn’t speak out of turn. But you need to set boundaries, don’t let her rule over you’
Week later uncle sends a parenting book in the post; doesn’t even pay enough postage so we have to go to the post office, pay the £1 or whatever it was, come home to find he’s sent us a parenting book.
Month or so later uncle sends another text. “Watching a little girl DDs age at the station. Parents looking exhausted.”
So on every month or so. Can’t remember all the texts. most recent one says “Remember! don’t let the tail wag the dog”.

Since it’s an uncle, I haven’t said anything out of respect. Just ‘ok, thank you. Thank you, yes that makes sense’

But it’s now eating away at me. Essentially he’s saying my kid is spoilt. I am NOT confrontational and wouldn’t/ couldn’t say anything to him. Even if I tried I think I would just make an arse of myself/ get upset/ cry.

Seeing him for the first time since the original comment next week, in a family setting. No doubt he will bring it up. I’m so upset about it I’ve hired a babysitter and won’t be bringing the kids.

What would you say/ how would you approach it? Bear in mind the more confrontational you are with him the more it will strengthen his view, it will essentially be pointless to say something against his viewpoint.

ew. Just ignore all of these messages.

Same here, late 50s, when I went back to work after maternity leave DH did four long days at work so he could take a day off mid week to be with our twins. They’re mid 20s now. Not all older dads were useless.

My own dad longed to be a stay at home dad in the early 70s. I think he’d have been better than my mum!

anyway Op he’s out of order giving ‘advice’ like this and you need to speak to him.

The mature person in me says smile and nod and privately disregard anything they say. But I used to get a lot of unsolicited sleep advice with my first, a reflux baby, some of it really quite insulting ("but have you tried just popping him in the pushchair and taking him for a walk?") So I started laughing and saying how nice it was for them that they had such an easy baby. Which tbh annoyed them so much they generally shut up.

He doesn't sound young, and at 60-odd, he most definitely isn't. He does sound immature though. He also sounds like a rubbish father, given the fact that he seems to have naff-all to do with his adult DC. Seems like he's trying to compensate for that by bossing you about and telling you how to 'parent.'

You need to say 'Get your own house in order and sort your relationship with your own kids, instead of sticking your oar in my relationship with mine!'

I kind of agree. Pre me having kids he was great fun to hang out with. Post kids it all feels a bit sad. And I do feel like he’s making up for his shit relationship with his kid.

My mother used to shut people up with a short "mind your business" and a stare. Always worked. She gave no fucks.😉

‘I understand you had some parenting challenges, but we’re all good thank you.’

Beautifully constructed though this is - and I think that sending it is certainly worth a try - all my instincts as an editor and a lazy so-and-so compel me to cut it a bit, especially if it's going as a text. I've put a bit of time into paring it down to a shorter version whilst - I hope - retaining all the diplomatic nuance of @ScaryM0nster's original.

Here it is, ready to be cut and pasted, for immediate transmission to the uncle...

......

Fuck off.

Another vote for smile, nod and ignore. Just be sweetly polite and change the subject. Don’t let him get under your skin. He’s a judgemental twat who puts other people down so that he can feel superior. There are lots of them out there.

Your mum sounds amazing. I wish I could be more like her.

I love this.

Why would you assume a 60 year old man probably did little parenting? DH and I are in our 60s, DH is 67, he always played a pretty much equal role in parenting since we both worked FT. I don't think that is unusual for people our age, most of our friends and family with kids could probably say the same.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

all I took from this was a 10 hour day at nursery. WTAF

He did do his fair share of the parenting. As in, he would change nappies and tuck the kids to bed, always be present for parents evenings etc. But parenting was always the woman’s default role - who, for example is taking on the mental load, setting up the nappies and wipes, organising the meetings and appointments, play dates, birthdays, packing the lunches, buying the school shoes?

I was trying to find the parenting book he sent but not sure where I put it. One of the ‘tips for dads’ was something along the lines of ‘offer to babysit while she has a night out with the girls’ and other similar stuff. Some of these things - whilst progressive in the 90s - sound out of date; it’s not ‘babysitting’, it’s parenting your own child.

yep. We work 9-5 and they’re in nursery from 8-6.

He's 60, not 100 🤣, Dad's were pretty hands on 20-30 years ago!

But loads of posts now are of women complaining about women carrying the mental load. None of the families I knew in the 90’s thought Dad’s caring for their children were babysitting. Men were 100% parenting 30 years ago, just not all of them as now.

I'd do this and then ask him if he set those boundaries with his son and with a straight face as if you were genuinely interested ask if he thinks that the boundary setting worked well for his son?

I guess also it was such a drastic change from motherhood of the 70s and 80s

I agree. In previous years I would have ignored and tried to rise above it, but now I think why should this opinionated man continue to patronise you?
You can say something to him very matter of factly... and tell him to stop. You are well within your rights. If he decides that a calm request means a big uproar in the family - that is entirely down to him.. and it would be rather childish.

What does he think makes him a parenting guru afterall?

He had the cheek to send you an actual parenting book?

OP, I’d never invite him round for dinner again - and I’d steer as clear as I could at family gatherings. It’s so not his place to tell you how to parent.

In your era, kids were ruled like soldiers, beaten and made to be frankly terrified of their parents! Growing up with so many mental health issues that the NHS just couldn’t accommodate! 😆

Why on earth wouldn’t you just hold up a hand and say ‘Let me stop you there, Nigel, before you offer any more unsolicited parenting advice’?

Maybe he thinks he's helping!