DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

It's NOT just a couple of hours, though. It's missing Christmas Dinner with his own family!

She is deliberately asking him to skip a special family meal with his wife, his kids, and his in-laws. And he's chosen to do so, which is beyond my understanding.

Where does it say they are church goers?

I too have children to a mummy’s boy and there strange as fuck cringey relationship . It’s like I’m constantly having to do better than his mum or I’m literally kicked to curb . But if he chose Christmas dinner with her over me and the kids ( get out let for good and let her take you out for lunch every single day ) I really am not joking . How dare she

Eh? Going out for lunch just the two of them when you're cooking a huge Christmas lunch for everyone is madness! What on earth is he thinking???

Agree - your mother-in-law likes to be in control - in this case, even if that means that her son’s wife and children are impacted on Christmas Day. If she needs time alone to go for dinner with her son, she can arrange that anytime. without it impacting your husband’s family Christmas plans. I wonder if your husband doesn’t see her actions as controlling as he’s too busy trying to be on good terms to stop and consider how her behaviour affects others. I think that she is unlikely to change anything about her decision, as that would involve having the ability to look beyond her own self and start considering the wider family’s wishes and circumstances. Has your mother-in-law fallen out with her daughter because she dared to go against what mother-in-law would have liked?

I’d tell DH that he needs to be careful about snubbing your family because he is setting out the ground for you to do the same to his family.

Your husband and MIL have disrespected you, your children and your family. Ask him to tell his mum to visit her other children.

I couldn’t stay with a man like that. If he goes, don’t go to your MIL’s on Boxing Day and I’d also separate due to the lack of respect. Your children will be upset that their dad chose his mum over them.

Initially wondered if she can’t handle crowds, not that that’s an excuse, but given she is hosting everyone Boxing Day this is a total power play.

She is nasty and your DH is pathetic. You have every right to be upset.

Was thinking how you could play this so you’re not the bad guy.

I would explain in no uncertain terms how you feel about it. Ask if he’s imagined what the DC will think when he slopes off for hours and wonder why their grandparent didn’t want to participate.

Then I would then describe how everyone else will view the optics of it - which is it’s fucking weird. If he still continues:

Tell everyone in advance what his plans are in front of him so he can see their reactions. “DH has decided to spend Christmas Lunch with his mother. She was invited to ours but they both decided they wanted to be on their own, just the two of them. Everyone is upset but that’s what both of them insist they want. I guess she will get to see the kids on Boxing Day as she’s hosting a big party”.

I worry what your family might think on Christmas Day and it creating an atmosphere so head it off.

Assume your DH doesn’t drink, as sounds like a lot of driving will be involved.

Has he progressed this ridiculous plan any further OP?

I hope he does see sense but if he does go through with it I have a feeling his Christmas Day will be very weird and I doubt he’ll enjoy it very much.

How old are the kids, they are going to be very hurt.

Christmas Day goes by so fast anyway, with the early darkness and all, that a 2-3 hour chunk out of the middle makes a massive difference.

Aside from his sheer rudeness in walking out on your guests and leaving you to manage everything.

Your MIL has had two years to adjust. You accommodated her last year when you were very recently bereaved. She has a fucking nerve doing this to you now.

Make it clear to your husband that it would be a non-reversible turning point in your marriage.

For real? Your children never got to spend Christmas Day with their dad? Never got to eat turkey with him? And he was happy to do that?

It’s a disingenuous post by SugarRevolution. Her partner was not the kids’ dad but she chose not to mention that in her post.

Agreed. She wants to recreate a Christmas when she was in charge. On Christmas Day.

Ah right, just a goady, irrelevant shit post then.
Thank goodness - I was feeling so sorry for those poor kids! 😂

I cannot fathom why your husband thinks this is ok.

is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back

OP he's not 'popping' anywhere. A couple of hours isn't long to eat a 2-3 course meal and travel there and back. Do you think she'll be happy for him to wolf down his dinner then dispatch her back home to spend the rest of the day alone?

I expect this will be extended on the day. She'll probably guilt trip him into spending a bit more time with her and he'll struggle to refuse. Who'd leave a lonely widowed mum on her own on Christmas Day? More importantly which wicked selfish daughter-in-law would insist on it.......

EDIT - there's the potential for you to be the bad guy here in order for her to manipulate the situation to her benefit.

So the boxing day thing, is the daughter invited? Your sil, the one mil fell out with or has mil excluded her from boxing day?

Why ridiculous?
If they have a joint property rented or mortgaged she has no right to make him leave - which bit of that can't you grasp!

Service is usually very slow at Christmas meals out too, with lots of large parties. Of course the whole thing will take hours.

Have you spoken to the daughter who is out of favour about this OP? Or any of the other siblings?

It would be interesting to hear their views. Maybe one of the other siblings can step in and insist she comes to them as it doesn’t sound as if she ever goes to any of them. They can do it while pretending ignorance of the plan between her and your DH and if she then says she can’t come because of this plan they can express shock at him being dragged away from your day. That might be an interesting tactic.

You already replied to this at 22:15 yesterday, no need for another, similar, post.

You really are keen on hearing the sound of your own voice aren't you? 😂😂

Is everything ok? 🤔

I'll leave you to your own chuntering 😊

I did sorry.
Sleep deprived and unwell.

Absolutely agree.

It's his mum who lost her husband only nearly 2 years ago for a couple)few hours.

Personally I don't see a problem with it except like as you've said OP, is getting a table.

People are so fucking ugh.

Hope you feel better soon.