DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

Would one of your siblings do Xmas
lunch instead for you all? You and the kids could decamp there

Where was I called disingenuous?

I have never said my DH is the father of my children. I did say that the three of us (me and DC’s) had Christmas together, just as we always had.

Why is it disingenuous that my children don't see their dad because he is a policeman? I have explained the distance, I have explained his shifts. They have never spent Christmas Day with their dad.

I agree with this. Given her situation sitting with your larg, happy family might be too painful for her to face. I’d let him go. You have the rest of your large family there. And your H for most of the day.

OP's MIL is hosting her own large family on Boxing Day. She also hosted on Christmas Day last year and the previous year. Her behaviour is not because she finds sitting with a large family group too stressful.

OP lost her own dad in September 2024, i.e. at least a year after the death of her FIL, so OP's mum is also a bereaved widow. OP's MIL has been prioritised on Christmas Day for the previous two years and the year that OP is hosting her own family, MIL is suddenly too upset to attend a large family gathering on Christmas Day but is fine to host on Boxing Day?

This is rude and manipulative behaviour by OP's MIL. If it is genuinely too painful for her to attend Christmas at her son's house, she should just stay at home, not take her son away from his wife and children for the afternoon to eat Christmas Dinner in a restaurant.

Her dad died late 2024, if you’ve read the ops posts. And even if he hadn’t it is soooo selfish to expect a man to leave the Christmas lunch being hosted at his house with his children, to have lunch with his mum who will expect the op to not see her family next Christmas Day to also cater to her mil. I’d tell my dh that we wouldn’t be at his mums next Christmas if he wanted to walk out on our Christmas lunch.

This is my DH'S Grandmothrr through and through - until you know someone this controlling it's so tricky to understand the matriarch thing but I get you Op! Your husband is disgraceful and hoping you're more reasonable and placid nature will mean it's easy for him to do this. Let him go, your in-laws will think wtf and he will show himself right up.

@SugarRevolution here

But you are taking the word of someone else who doesn't know me.

This PP did not take on board or mention my comment ‘just the three of us as it always had been’.

Make no difference. My DH travels to his DM on Christmas Day. It is no big deal.

Then you said I was disingenuous for saying my DC’s have not spent Christmas Day with their DF, because he is a policeman. Again, you know nothing about our real life, his police role, or any of the logistics.

You are just out to prove you are right about my life, when clearly you are not.

@Pollyxplummer

Tricky! In all honesty it sounds like you have a husband and a MiL problem. She sounds very controlling, manipulative, and her Xmas day suggestion is totally unreasonable and selfish!

Your husband needs to give his head a massive wobble, get his priorities realigned, and some boundaries in place with his mum!

MiL needs to create her new own life that doesn’t evolve around whichever child of hers is currently in favour at the time. Given she is seeing family on Boxing Day, and has many options for Xmas day itself, Xmas day is only as miserable as she makes it.

I’d be interested in the cause of the fall out with daughter. Was she trying to break free from some enmeshment I wonder?

Good luck!

This.

At the end of the day, she is his mother. I don’t understand why some women have problems with their husband‘s mother. Just because you’ve got married, it doesn’t mean you have to expect him to disown his mother. My sons wife used to tell him off for kissing me when we got together as a family which was usually on a Sunday for dinner at mine… Bizzarre… Their marriage only lasted 15 years, I was always there for both of them… I’m still there, he’s my son and I will always love him and she is the mother of his children and I have a love for her as well… But her issue with me is her issue. This lady failed to mention at the beginning that the children are not even her husbands… and their own father is not around for them on Christmas Day…. Everyone sharing Christmas dinner is her relatives… None of her husband side… 🤷🏻‍♀️

This lady failed to mention at the beginning that the children are not even her husbands… and their own father is not around for them on Christmas Day….

I think you are getting OP confused with a different poster - I can’t see where she has said that the children are not her husband’s.

I’m afraid I do think badly of a man prioritising his mother over his own children, especially when his mother has actually been invited to the Christmas meal and she is just choosing not to come. I’d also expect him to prioritise his wife in these circumstances tbh, but it’s the deprioritising his children I simply don’t understand.

Are you sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend?

You made out it was the same situation as the OP’s. It isn’t.

This 100%. Not enough people defending dh have picked up on this or are choosing to ignore it.

Where's the sympathy for OP's mother who has been a widow the same length of time but has had to go without her daughter's company because MIL was emotionally blackmailing everyone.

Not mentioned? Lunch was mentioned.

I would lay money that dh will call after lunch to say that he's staying the night as MIL is so overwhelmed by catering for everyone on Boxing Day, and needs him to help her prepare. (It's the kind of stunt my exMIL would pull).

I would agree, telling him that your DM is struggling with widowhood at xmas and has loved being with the dgc as she has missed out on seeing them on Xmas day since she was widowed, so you and the kids are going to spend boxing day with her as she needs the support.

MIL won't argue as she has achieved the main objective of getting dh to herself on Xmas day.

Dare I say it.
Show your DH this mumsnet thread.
I'll go even further, and suggest you print a copy for MIL.
Surely this will give you all a perspective of what is proportionate.

I would leave it with your SIL for the moment if she is in discussion with her DM. Re-visit the scenario in another week.

there’s something wrong with your MIL. As others have said maybe depression but clinging to your DH, I wonder if she feels he is the only reliable offspring left? I’m not suggesting this is right of course.

I wonder if he can start introducing her to outside social interests and then wean himself back? Does she has any pets? I wonder if getting her a dog or cat (maybe something older) for her to shower love on, might be a consideration ?

They are her husbands, and you’re totally projecting.

I never tell my Husband what he can and can't do, but in this instance it would be an outright no. Putting this outrageous and unreasonable request before his children on Christmas day would be a deal breaker for me.

If he still went he could stay there.

Thats someone else in the thread. You are confused.

So you’re suggesting he’s cheating and his mother is covering for him seeing the OW on Christmas Day ???

Wow. If you’re going to project like this, at least get your facts straight. OP hasn’t posted any such thing. That was an entirely different poster.

OMG humble apologies to the author I must have misread the post.