DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

How about convincing DH to go over to his mother's on Christmas Day and collect her especially, because his wife and children would like to see her too. She might appreciate the special taxi treatment.

It is completely fair that your ask DH to help you host Christmas - that is non negotiable.
You could also drop by your MIL and request that, if she will not join you all, that she ask her son out for the evening meal instead, as her son is host and has childen.

If you read the thread, I have already explained.

No my DC’s never spend Christmas with their dad, he is a policeman and on shift.

My DH is not their dad.

A couple of hours, yes. But taking himself out and missing lunch? I’d be furious too.

Child of policeman here. Can confirm that in real life such children do also see their dads on Christmas Day if the adults around them want that to happen.

SALaw

i really just meant she’s getting to see her parents, these things aren’t a big deal to kids unless they’re made into one- you can just say ‘see you in a few for board games, Christmas special on tv etc’. It’s the way it’s said to them.

Id be furious OP. Its embarrassing because your side of the family will be confused too and sets an unspoken divide!

I’d let it happen. My oh used to go see his mother every Christmas Day, which I thought odd because she’s Jewish. Still, I was organised for the family coming over and they’d help with last minute stuff. In truth he went to the nearest gfs for a few hours. Mother was a cover. So if my husband actually wanted to see his mother, I’d be happy. 🤣

@DearDenimEagle what an arse. I hope you are much happier now without him.

But in our case we live too far apart to make the end of his Christmas Day shift worth while and that is when he isn't in a double quick changeover following night shift.

DH going to his DM’s started before we married. I chose not to change my DC’s Christmas by inviting new DP and his parents to our Christmas, something the three of us love. Putting my DC’s first.

Christmas Day is only a day. We enjoy a Christmas that suits us all. Blended families,kids, stepkids, parents, inlaws and ex’s. Complicated to please everyone. Compromise needed and if that is DH and I, that’s fine.

@Pollyxplummer- have you thought about showing him this thread? It might get through to him how bonkers this is, and how much he’s risking his marriage to keep his mother happy.

Hence “if the adults around them want to make that happen”.

Depends on the age of the kids.

I don’t think the OP is coming back, looks like one of those threads

OP’s mother was widowed even more recently, but she’s mustering it up. OP accommodated her MIL (a widow of a year) last year despite having just lost her own father.

Pulling the bereavement card after two years is nonsense. (And trust me I know; both my parents and a close friend died within 10 days of Christmas) The woman can either wait till Boxing Day or accept OP’s invitation.

The “d”h is either spineless or truly doesn’t want to be with his own wife and kids.

I’d be telling him if he goes ahead with this he can move out now. He dosnt get to make this decision on his own and he certainly dosnt get to walk out and you, your children and your family Christmas Day to make his mother happy especially when it’s just because she’s being difficult and controlling.

I would 100% give him an ultimatum.

How?
In what way?

You made out that because he was a policeman they COULDN’T see him. We used to have dinner at different times and places depending on my dad’s shifts in order to at least spend that time with him.

I get that there could be more flexibility, but with a 4 hour drive to his there isn't.

This is compounded by Christmas Day sometimes being a quick change over, so night shift Christmas Eve, finishing at 6.00am and then his next shift starting at 14.00 and ending at 22.00. Sleep and travelling time to the station needed within that.

Anyway, as I have already explained (at least twice) my exDH is nothing to do with this thread. I commented that my DH visits his DM in Christmas Day, not my ExDH not being able to spend Christmas Day with his children.

I would be very upset.
Sorry I can't really offer any advice apart from talking to him.

You MIL is a control freak and your husband is a pathetic mummy’s boy. I actually don’t think you’re angry enough over this op 😂
Why is your MIL trying to alienate you when she could spend a wonderful family christmas with her grandchildren? I find that so sad.
Id seriously fall out with my husband over this.

You were previously called something like disingenuous for making out the OP’s situation is the same as yours because your partner goes to his mum, ignoring that he isn’t the kids’ dad, which you later revealed. I’m saying you’re being disingenuous to say the kids don’t see their dad because he’s a policeman. There’s clearly other factors (one of you moved 4 hours away for one).

In what world was this fine? Why couldn’t he go on Christmas Eve and come back on Christmas Day?
Oh, he’s not the DC’s dad. Why on earth didn’t you say. Entirely different.

If the other parent disappeared for a good few hours on Christmas Day I would think he had a girlfriend or another family.

I hadn't read about OP DM losing her DH. I started to read OP comments only earlier but life took over and I hadn't got to that bit of information.

It's a shitty situation but I suppose there's no other explanation to what you've suggested .... Not when there are plenty of other options for her (MIL)

And I'm truly sorry for your losses x