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lost friend of 17 years over loan

262 replies

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 13:19

My closest friend from 17 years borrowed money from me 2 years ago, close to 10k, i didnt ask her much about the particulars and i trusted her when she said she would return it 6 months later. 18 months went by, i needed the money as i was going through custody issues with my daughter and had taken out credit cards to pay for solicitors, plus i got a new job and my pay dropped significantly. She did not talk about paying me back i bought it up with her a few weeks ago, the first time we spoke, she gave me a plan that she was goign to sell her house and look for a job abroad (i found this odd but didnt question), then her circumstances changed, she got pregnant and told me she didnt know when she could pay me back, and didnt have a plan and couldnt even offer a monthly repayment plan. My mum was aware and called her to gently ask her what was going on and she gave my mum more random excuses. She then called me to tell me my mum had spoken to her and i wasnt sure why she was telling me because there was still no plan. I got very upset as she told me i was not allowed to discuss with anyone (our families are old friends) and she would not involve her husband or family as she didnt want to cause them stress. She asked me to ask my mum not to discuss with her family either. I felt betrayed as she had watched me suffer due to getting into abusive relationships and be expolited and felt she was treating me the same. She told me that was my 'perception' and i had to tell her i didnt want to talk until she had a plan.

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again. my friend blocked me on all social media and then i found out her daughter had unfriended my daughter online (these girls are aged 7 and 8). This hurt the most as i felt it was petty and unnecessary.

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

OP posts:
uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:32

Invinoveritaz · 07/11/2025 15:31

Why are your 7 and 8 year old daughters on social media?

they play games on robox together, you know the silly colour block and spelling tournament ones

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 07/11/2025 15:34

What a couple of arseholes. You caused her stress by asking for your own money?!

Good riddance.

And please don't ever lend money to friends again. I mean buying eachother a pint or a coffee is fine but anything more and it's asking for it to end in tears.

At least you got it back.

Enrichetta · 07/11/2025 15:34

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:01

lol most definitely

Or even better, instead of relying on family etc for advice, become financially literate. Get a couple of books from the library. Start with a simple financial management book, then look at investments (ISAs, pensions), including equity funds and long-term goals. You’ll feel much more secure if you know what you’re doing and are in control.

Nsky62 · 07/11/2025 15:37

Kimura · 07/11/2025 13:46

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

You were wrong to lend it to her in the first place without knowing what it was for and having a repayment plan in place.

At least her mother has some shame. I expect she didn't want you talking to her family as they weren't aware of her money issues, and now it's all come out in the wash.

You needed a written agreement, none in place, signed by both

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 07/11/2025 15:37

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:29

its roblox, not tiktok or insta

thats literally worse. Roblox has less than zero parental controls, my 8 year old was honestly, not mucking about, groomed on there.

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:38

Enrichetta · 07/11/2025 15:34

Or even better, instead of relying on family etc for advice, become financially literate. Get a couple of books from the library. Start with a simple financial management book, then look at investments (ISAs, pensions), including equity funds and long-term goals. You’ll feel much more secure if you know what you’re doing and are in control.

I'm actually in the process of now doing this and have got my shit together in the last 3 to 4 months! I used that money that she repaid to pay of the cards and have invested some as well 😄with the help of family.

Coming out of a relationship with a man who was not treating me well and their family who groomed me for months, and then also proceeded to financially abusing me was very incredibly difficult to recover from.

I have contact with my daughter again and things are slowly improving

OP posts:
uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:39

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 07/11/2025 15:37

thats literally worse. Roblox has less than zero parental controls, my 8 year old was honestly, not mucking about, groomed on there.

Edited

Its supervised and she has limited screen time

OP posts:
SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 07/11/2025 15:40

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:39

Its supervised and she has limited screen time

Yeah thats what I was doing. Get Roblox off all devices. It's an absolute pox.

Purplebunnie · 07/11/2025 15:40

TBH your "friend" is lucky you didn't take her to the small claims court - now that really would have given her stress

And I think I would have responded to the mom that it has given you stress to be out of pocket to the tune of £10K with no apparent urgency/plan from her DD to repay you. What about all the interest you have lost over the period of time

You are better off without these people

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 07/11/2025 15:40

She was NEVER going to pay you back and it’s only happened because people knew about it. No class of person and no friend

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:41

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 07/11/2025 15:40

Yeah thats what I was doing. Get Roblox off all devices. It's an absolute pox.

i've been thinking of getting rid of the ipad all together tbh, and keeping just TV screen time

OP posts:
SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 07/11/2025 15:42

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:41

i've been thinking of getting rid of the ipad all together tbh, and keeping just TV screen time

A struggle we all have, I would do.

Sorry didn;t mean to go off on one but to find someone actually grooming him blew my mind, terrible thing.

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 15:45

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 07/11/2025 15:42

A struggle we all have, I would do.

Sorry didn;t mean to go off on one but to find someone actually grooming him blew my mind, terrible thing.

its an ongoing struggle, we've had ipad free months numerous times and then something happens and i fall of the boundaries wagon, with my lack of consistency and giving in sadly.
I'm sorry you faced that, it sounds horrifying
DD is not allowed to engage with anyone who message her

OP posts:
MrsBrianJones · 07/11/2025 15:47

There's an old saying, never a borrower or a lender be.

I'm so sorry you found out the hard way, the best thing to do when asked for a loan is to direct the asker to their local bank.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 07/11/2025 15:48

This reads to me she has cut contact so her dh doesn’t find out.

Pugdays5 · 07/11/2025 15:49

How dare they both blame you
What dreadful dreadful people the mother and daughter are .
However
You got your money back ..so that's brilliant

OriginalUsername2 · 07/11/2025 15:49

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 07/11/2025 15:37

thats literally worse. Roblox has less than zero parental controls, my 8 year old was honestly, not mucking about, groomed on there.

Edited

I was going to say, OP should sit with them and watch the chat when they’re playing to keep an eye on it.

itsgettingweird · 07/11/2025 15:50

Glad you got your money back and also got a freeloader out of your life.

Of course it’ll take a while for the pain to heal but you can make more friends easier than finding £10k!

Zov · 07/11/2025 15:54

I always go by the mantra 'never EVER lend any money to anyone that you can't comfortably afford to lose.' Not much help sorry @uk1990 but you could try the small claims court. I don't fancy your chances of getting the money back though. £10K is LOADS of money. She's not going to give it back.

Sassylovesbooks · 07/11/2025 15:58

You are 100% not unreasonable. Your friend borrowed £10K from you (for goodness knows what) and then failed to pay the money back. She came up with 100 excuses why she couldn't pay and then eventually admitted she had no idea how she intended to pay or when. My guess is, she lied to her family about why she borrowed it in the first place, and the arrangement you had. Now she's making you feel guilty and so is her Mum. In all honesty this person isn't a friend, she's used you and she'd have never repaid the money if you hadn't persued it. It's sad for your children. I would mark this down to experience. Never ever lend money to anyone ever again. Accept the friendship is now over. Do you really want this woman in your life after the way she's treated you?! I wouldn't. She's shown her true colours.

paradisecircus · 07/11/2025 16:01

You haven't done anything wrong; she's a CF and you're better off without her. Sad though when you're friends with a long history - no doubt you thought you could trust her and have had to learn the hard way that you can't. The stuff about bleeding is nonsense. I had a friend once who ended up owing me loads of money and would dissolve into tears about a miscarriage or 'cancer scare' when it was brought up.

333FionaG · 07/11/2025 16:01

Only lend money to family members, never to friends. You have dodged a bullet by not having this woman in her life any longer. As for the children, they are young, they will make other friends.

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 16:04

Zov · 07/11/2025 15:54

I always go by the mantra 'never EVER lend any money to anyone that you can't comfortably afford to lose.' Not much help sorry @uk1990 but you could try the small claims court. I don't fancy your chances of getting the money back though. £10K is LOADS of money. She's not going to give it back.

her mum paid me back and asked me not to contact her daughter ever again because i had caused problems in her pregnancy

OP posts:
Moonlightfrog · 07/11/2025 16:04

She’s not a friend. It’s a hard lesson to learn but ‘never gift/lend money to someone if you can’t afford to lose that money’ it happens so often. It was a huge amount to loan someone and a huge amount to assume she would be able to pay back. At least you now have the money. She’s now trying to make you feel awful about it which just proves what a rubbish friend she is/was.
Now you have the money I would just cut contact and move on.

Zov · 07/11/2025 16:05

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 16:04

her mum paid me back and asked me not to contact her daughter ever again because i had caused problems in her pregnancy

Oh I'm sorry. That will teach me to read all the OP's posts!!!

Glad you got it back, but yeah, as has been said, you did NOTHING wrong. I'm sorry you're going through this. Flowers