lost friend of 17 years over loan

[uk1990]

My closest friend from 17 years borrowed money from me 2 years ago, close to 10k, i didnt ask her much about the particulars and i trusted her when she said she would return it 6 months later. 18 months went by, i needed the money as i was going through custody issues with my daughter and had taken out credit cards to pay for solicitors, plus i got a new job and my pay dropped significantly. She did not talk about paying me back i bought it up with her a few weeks ago, the first time we spoke, she gave me a plan that she was goign to sell her house and look for a job abroad (i found this odd but didnt question), then her circumstances changed, she got pregnant and told me she didnt know when she could pay me back, and didnt have a plan and couldnt even offer a monthly repayment plan. My mum was aware and called her to gently ask her what was going on and she gave my mum more random excuses. She then called me to tell me my mum had spoken to her and i wasnt sure why she was telling me because there was still no plan. I got very upset as she told me i was not allowed to discuss with anyone (our families are old friends) and she would not involve her husband or family as she didnt want to cause them stress. She asked me to ask my mum not to discuss with her family either. I felt betrayed as she had watched me suffer due to getting into abusive relationships and be expolited and felt she was treating me the same. She told me that was my 'perception' and i had to tell her i didnt want to talk until she had a plan.

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again. my friend blocked me on all social media and then i found out her daughter had unfriended my daughter online (these girls are aged 7 and 8). This hurt the most as i felt it was petty and unnecessary.

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

Oh no! The fastest way to lose a freind is to loan them money! However,i guess you know that now. She wasnt a real freind or she would never have put you in that position. Its a shame about the two children losing their freindship with each other but I do think a clean break is best. Good luck to you going forward!

So. Times life shows you who are real friends in very upsetting ways.

I'm sorry you went through this, but this is her issue not yours. Leave it with her the CF.

No she was totally in the wrong.

If she had bleeding, that wasn’t on you. She should have repaid a long time ago.

We don’t know if it’s true or she told her DM that to get her to pay the money.

Im glad you got it back.

It hurts now but she’s a crap friend and in the long run best out of you and your DDs life.

You’re well rid.
What an awful woman 🫩
Thats not what a real friend would do and her mother is just as bad. They should be ashamed of themselves. They are entitled arseholes.

I hope you are ok and can put this behind you 💐

Hi op you didn’t do anything wrong unfortunately she wasn’t a good friend as you thought anybody who goes on holiday knowing there friend needs the money back isn’t worth your pain. Her mum chose to pay it back be grateful you got it let your friend get on with her life. She should have asked her family if she needed the money her and her dh and family should have been the ones she asked first she gave you no respect and didn’t really care you were in great need of your own money. She planned on leaving you hanging for her own selfish reasons.

Agree don't borrow money again!

She had no intention of ever paying you back seeing you as a soft touch and being evasive when asked about repayment
Her mother probably only paid you back thinking that you might have gone to get advice, got word to the husband or speak to others which would've made them look 'bad'
As for the bleeding don't believe it
As for the friendship it seems she never deserved you. Toxic
And chances are her daughter dominated yours whenever possible

Why is a 7 year old on social media?!

I think your comment in your first post about this friendship being like an abusive relationship is spot on. It’s much harder to notice in a friendship than a relationship because we tend to be more willing to overlook things in friendships that we wouldn’t in a relationship because our lives are not so intertwined and it doesn’t seem to matter so much. Your “friend” is a nasty user. You’ve got your money back and got her out of your life. Win win!

The only person that caused problems was your ex friend
A - by asking for money in the first place.
B - by not paying the money back months ago.

She knew she wasn't going to pay it back.
Her mother also sounds a class piece of work.

We have a saying in my home country -
"If you want to lose a friend, lend them the money."
That's how it is. You are definitely not a cause of her problems. The bleeding was not your fault either. She chose not to pay you back, she chose toput herself in all this stress. I can imagine it hurts you to lost a friend, but at least you know now, she wasn't a friend at all.

Write to her mother to acknowledge the payment and say you feel it was more than reasonable to ask about the plan for repaying money she promised to pay back 18 months ago, especially given the amounts her daughter has spent on holidays over that period.

Stop being a jerk. Her kid plays a single online game, where the only friends she has are ones she knows in real life. Her mother is raising her appropriately supervised when it comes to age appropriate online behavior.

Your friend's mum was able to pay you back your £10,000 within a week - so your CF friend wasn't desperate and asking you as her very very last resort when she asked you for the "loan" was she? She could have borrowed it from her Mum.

I think you should think back about how your CF friend knew you had that much money to lend. Did she ask questions that you weren't comfortable answering, but kept pressing until you felt it was rude not to answer? I'm betting £10 that she did and once she'd dug out the information about your finances, she decided that she'd relieve you of most of your cash.

I also find it baffling that she spun you some line about not being able to say what the desperate need for money was and made you feel that it would feel like you were not a good friend, or trusting enough if you wanted to know what the "loan" was for. I bet if you think back to how she managed to avoid saying what it was for, whilst implying it was really desperate and only you could help her - you will see now what she said and did in a new light.

The fact that she did that and then openly went on holidays to Dubai - on your dime and didn't mind that you knew about it does suggest to me that she absolutely planned this step by step.
She is a devious and exploitative CF and I am so glad that her DM gave you back the money.
Ignore the rubbish about the CF being stressed. She wasn't stressed when she refused to have any payment plan, when she tried to swear you to secrecy, when she was spending your money, or when she couldn't even offer a measley monthly repayment plan. She did all that hoping you'd let her off the loan..

So basically she's lied and lied to you again and again, so please don't believe the guilt tripping. She's probably lied to her DM too.
At least you got your money back and you can see the CF for who she really is, not a friend but a user. None of which is your fault as you were close for nearly two decades and trusted her. She didn't understand the real value of your trust and didn't deserve it.

The "friend" sounds a nightmare. You were very lucky to get the money back as so often people in this kind of situation don't. If she's blocked you take it as a blessing as it means you don't have to bother to block her. It sounds as if contacting the mother was a good idea as she was probably paranoid about everyone knowing or being sued so they managed to get the cash together. The friend could have asked the mother in the first place but who knows what trouble she was really in? As the saying goes, never lend money you can't afford to lose.

She already explained. Stop harassing her. Try reading all of an OPs posts before asking dumb questions.

What a disgusting thing for her mum to say. You are well rid of this lot. They clearly have no moral compass at all and all-round bullies and exploiters.

This woman wasn’t your friend. She was just a skanky user. Be happy that you are rid of them. I expect her baby will be born safe and well. Load of old shit that you caused bleeding.

It says in the OP’s opening post that the OP got the money back.

I’m sorry OP she does not sound like a great friend. I always am of the mantra not to lend money to anyone. I got caught up in my own hard-learned lesson where I lent a sibling £1000 with the promise of payback within a few months. I got it back eventually but it was a long road. I felt silly and naive. Never again.

(All fine with the sibling but it is something I will never forget).

Lose her, she is not a decent friend or person.

Shakespeare said “Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.“ So this has been known in society for literally hundreds of years and yet people still think they can lend a friend a large sum of money and hope for the best it’s repaid and doesn’t affect the friendship. I don’t get it.

I’d also be livid at your mum for getting involved.

you have the money back now. I’d chalk it all up to experience. Don’t lend again and don’t over share with a loose cannon mother.

You did the right thing raising it. The loan is repaid. Not sure why you are worried about her blocking you. I would be happy that it was behind me and I wouldn't have to bother with this nasty, sponging drama queen any more. Good riddance to her!

This!!! What's your daughter doing on social media at this early age???? You seem to have bigger fish to fry, such as parenting your daughter.

Yes, I would have been tempted to suggest to her mum that maybe she should be examining her own relationship with her daughter, who clearly didn’t feel she could approach her rather than you for a loan.