lost friend of 17 years over loan

[uk1990]

My closest friend from 17 years borrowed money from me 2 years ago, close to 10k, i didnt ask her much about the particulars and i trusted her when she said she would return it 6 months later. 18 months went by, i needed the money as i was going through custody issues with my daughter and had taken out credit cards to pay for solicitors, plus i got a new job and my pay dropped significantly. She did not talk about paying me back i bought it up with her a few weeks ago, the first time we spoke, she gave me a plan that she was goign to sell her house and look for a job abroad (i found this odd but didnt question), then her circumstances changed, she got pregnant and told me she didnt know when she could pay me back, and didnt have a plan and couldnt even offer a monthly repayment plan. My mum was aware and called her to gently ask her what was going on and she gave my mum more random excuses. She then called me to tell me my mum had spoken to her and i wasnt sure why she was telling me because there was still no plan. I got very upset as she told me i was not allowed to discuss with anyone (our families are old friends) and she would not involve her husband or family as she didnt want to cause them stress. She asked me to ask my mum not to discuss with her family either. I felt betrayed as she had watched me suffer due to getting into abusive relationships and be expolited and felt she was treating me the same. She told me that was my 'perception' and i had to tell her i didnt want to talk until she had a plan.

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again. my friend blocked me on all social media and then i found out her daughter had unfriended my daughter online (these girls are aged 7 and 8). This hurt the most as i felt it was petty and unnecessary.

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

definitely not financially literate to lend a friend 10k but i was so worried and scared for her when she asked me, didnt really run through the risks

And you didn’t have an “open conversation” with your family?

This.

So pleased you've got your money back, OP. Block this CF from your life - she is no friend.

i informed my family that i had leant her money, they all knew her from childhood and they did ask me when she was going to pay it back, i told them 6 months and they knew she had a good job. I did get a lot of flack for not knowing the specifics but by that time, i'd already helped her. I had hope and trust that surely she wouldnt let me down like that

It's great she has blocked you - your social circle is self-cleansing. No one needs people like this in their lives - a genuine friend would not treat you this way.

Your daughter has another friend to play computer games with, and hopefully some other friends in the real world - she will move on. It sounds like the friendship between your DD and your ex-friend's child was more a convenience for both families rather than a genuine connection in its own right.

Feel sad,that you have been treated this way! You borrowed a large amount of money,which she should of let you know when & how she was going to repay.Thank god,her Mother repaid the debt.No way should you question how you approached this friend,regarding payment! Who needs Friends like that? You had not done anything wrong! Life is too short to have to deal with these kind of people!

She has treated you abominably. Absolute lowlife. Be grateful her and her family are out of your life. If anyone asked why the friendship has broken down tell them to ask her.

The only surprise here is that you got the money back - not from her of course but at least you have it. I knew she wouldn't pay you back and she didn't. You've learned a lesson and were very lucky to not be out of pocket.

This is what I think.

A person who has no money/savings is someone who has spent every penny that has ever passed through their hands. This is their relationship with money and they will treat yours the same. They don't care.

There's a reason banks won't lend to them. It's the same reason you shouldn't. If big banks that can take a hit now and then on a bad debt won't even lend to them, you shouldn't either.

As others have said, you are better off without her and her dramas and at least you are whole ago now

In your shoes, be glad that you got the money.
Fair? No
Just? No
But just move on

This is why I never lend anyone money.

Sorry your friend turned out to be a user. I'm glad you got the money back though 👍

YANBU - but as a rule, I never lend money I would expect back - if I'm happy to lose it, then I'll lend it, but that would only be to close family - would never lend to anyone else

I would also make sure that our acquaintances know of the difficulties I have had recovering the money she was glad to borrow in case she tries her hard luck stories on anyone else.

Exactly why I don’t lend money out anymore - always difficult to get back.

I’m always happy to gift money to friends if they are really struggling but it is small amounts that I know I won’t ever see again - I consider it the same as if I’d paid for say a lunch or dinner out somewhere

You are not in the wrong though - £10k is a significant amount and it seems as though she tried to isolate who you were ‘allowed’ to discuss it with as a further way to minimise her having to pay it back.

Move on - nobody needs friends like this. Sorry about your daughter though - I agree that was unnecessary and it’s a very parent led move.

Fuck that, if someone owed me £10k and made up excuses as to pay me back i would be dragging anyone and everyone in to ask them for it back and told anybody who would listen.

People like her get away with it because they rely on us keeping quite, not kicking up a fuss and not telling anyone. She only repaid as the mums got involved.

She's a cf. She's not your friend. She never intended to pay you back. Im glad you got your money back.

i think you're right, there has always been really small hints that i would do more for her than she would for me, but i think that i ignore it because i felt that she was there for me emotionally when bad relationships with two previous partners in the last 17 years have broken down. i think the biggest thing i ignored was her not turning up to my dads funeral last year for at least just 20mins or so when i could have done with some support

She wasn’t a friend to you. She manipulated you and guilt tripped you to hide her own shame. You think you are being nice and protecting your friend by keeping their secret but it potentially stops you finding out they already owe others or others from finding out she’s getting multiple loans. When she needed money why couldn’t she have gone to family before you, or had she? You and your DD are better off without. It’s hard to explain to kids but it was your friend who unfriended your DD or told her child to do it. Do you really want your child to have someone like that around? It’s not you, it’s her. You should be angry with her. Her mum should certainly not be angry with you. Concentrate on you and your DD.

i think this thread has helped me realise that i was a very convenient friend for her and that sucks

Fuck her. She isnt your friend. If she was your friend she would have paid the money back in a timely matter. She would have never put you in a position where you had to ask for it. 10k isn't chicken shit it's a huge amount of money. I'm sorry about her stress but she wasn't concerned enough about your stress to pay you back. Why is her stress more important than yours? I'm glad her mum paid you back. Let her mum be stressed about getting it back now.

Of course you are not unreasonable. But -
Never lend money you aren't prepared to lose and
Don't have 7 and 8 year olds online

"Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?"

You were wrong to lend her the money in the first place. Shakespeare was right - neither a lender nor a borrower be.
You have lost a pretty worthless friend - you're better off without her.

i feel like an idiot too, sigh

In future, consult family before financial decisions ?

No you were wrong to lend her such a huge sum in the first place.

When you loan people money they are always pretty desperate, otherwise they wouldn't need to loan it from you.

So not surprisingly desperate people find money hard to repay.

Lesson learnt.