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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

lost friend of 17 years over loan

262 replies

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 13:19

My closest friend from 17 years borrowed money from me 2 years ago, close to 10k, i didnt ask her much about the particulars and i trusted her when she said she would return it 6 months later. 18 months went by, i needed the money as i was going through custody issues with my daughter and had taken out credit cards to pay for solicitors, plus i got a new job and my pay dropped significantly. She did not talk about paying me back i bought it up with her a few weeks ago, the first time we spoke, she gave me a plan that she was goign to sell her house and look for a job abroad (i found this odd but didnt question), then her circumstances changed, she got pregnant and told me she didnt know when she could pay me back, and didnt have a plan and couldnt even offer a monthly repayment plan. My mum was aware and called her to gently ask her what was going on and she gave my mum more random excuses. She then called me to tell me my mum had spoken to her and i wasnt sure why she was telling me because there was still no plan. I got very upset as she told me i was not allowed to discuss with anyone (our families are old friends) and she would not involve her husband or family as she didnt want to cause them stress. She asked me to ask my mum not to discuss with her family either. I felt betrayed as she had watched me suffer due to getting into abusive relationships and be expolited and felt she was treating me the same. She told me that was my 'perception' and i had to tell her i didnt want to talk until she had a plan.

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again. my friend blocked me on all social media and then i found out her daughter had unfriended my daughter online (these girls are aged 7 and 8). This hurt the most as i felt it was petty and unnecessary.

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

OP posts:
herewegoagainbabyno2 · 07/11/2025 14:06

I think you were unreasonable to lend your friend the money considering the amount and the fact that you didn’t really know what it was going towards. You take a huge risk when you do stuff like this and I hope that this is a lesson learnt.

You are of course not unreasonable to ask for the money back and unfortunately it sounds like your friend had no intentions to pay you back. Considering that she didn’t want anyone else to know about it, and the amount I assumed she was hiding something and used you to pay off whatever she needed to do.

I know you feel hurt right now, but you haven’t lost a friend. Your friend stopped being your friend when she should’ve paid you back at the six months mark after lending the money.

It is not your fault that she got pregnant. It is not your fault that she is “stressed”.

Do not feel guilty one bit, I feel like the bleeding is a lie but you know at the end of the day, even if it was the truth, don’t feel guilty that money was yours.

I’m so so glad that you were paid in the end for the money you lent.

Take this as a hard lesson and do not do it again

SirBasil · 07/11/2025 14:07

lucky escape if you ask me.

HedwigEliza · 07/11/2025 14:07

She’s a manipulative user who never had any intention of repaying you. You’re better off without someone so unpleasant and spiteful in your life. Thank god you got the money back, but never do this again. There’s no quicker way to destroy a friendship.

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/11/2025 14:08

IsThisLifeNow · 07/11/2025 13:58

Did you ask you mum to get involved? I don't think you should have if you did, but you weren't wrong to ask for your money back.

She wasn't a proper friend if she was treating you like that, so good riddance to bad rubbish

Why not? The op probably only got her money back because her mum got involved and this user realised other people were going to know about her. As long as she thought the op would keep it a secret she’d never pay it back.

herewegoagainbabyno2 · 07/11/2025 14:09

HedwigEliza · 07/11/2025 14:07

She’s a manipulative user who never had any intention of repaying you. You’re better off without someone so unpleasant and spiteful in your life. Thank god you got the money back, but never do this again. There’s no quicker way to destroy a friendship.

I can’t help but think she used OP at her most vulnerable time when she knows she was going through an abusive relationship. I feel like she saw a gap there with her vulnerable friends and thought I’ll ask her for the 10 K because she will say yes.

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:09

They play on roblox. My daughter has only two friends on roblox. She was one, and the other is also a close friends child. Besides that, my child has no social media

OP posts:
Starzinsky · 07/11/2025 14:10

She was lucky to have you as friend a, betrayed you and they played victim. I think you are better off without her in your life. She has showed her true colours and who needs that.

mathanxiety · 07/11/2025 14:11

Addtosignup · 07/11/2025 13:55

The mum paid you back in full
Odd she didn’t lend it to her daughter 2 years ago

Also odd that the ex friend didn't want her husband to know about it.

You lent money to a dishonest person, OP. I'd be very curious to know what it was for, in your shoes. Gambling?

However, best to steer well clear and never have anything to do with her or her family again. Your friendship clearly didn't mean as much to her as it did to you.

AliceMcK · 07/11/2025 14:11

Addtosignup · 07/11/2025 13:56

At 7 and 8??’ Bloody hell that’s depressing

What?

At 7 & 8 kids video chatting and messaging each other is depressing? Did you never phone your friends when you were a kid?

My 8 year old chats to her friends all the time, sometimes its one on one other times I can hear her chatting and laughing away to several of her friends at once. I can assure you hearing them laughing together is far from depressing!

My 8 yo can also read and write better than I ever could as a child, she regularly messages me when I’m out and also when she’s at her friends house. She messaged me at 2am last week to say she couldn’t sleep but didn’t want to disturb any one else ( she was on a sleep over) we chatted for 10 mins and after I assured her it was ok to message at that time I said try and sleep, if you can’t by 2.40am we will come get you. I stayed awake but she never messaged, she apparently went straight to sleep. I’d rather she did that than feel too scared to get up and tell her friends parents she can’t sleep.

Roblox I get, that is different, it’s a gaming platform so is open to anyone, we monitor our DDs and she’s not allowed to chat to anyone we don’t know. DH and my older DDs regularly play games with my youngest so they know what’s going on and keep an eye on her.

HedwigEliza · 07/11/2025 14:11

herewegoagainbabyno2 · 07/11/2025 14:09

I can’t help but think she used OP at her most vulnerable time when she knows she was going through an abusive relationship. I feel like she saw a gap there with her vulnerable friends and thought I’ll ask her for the 10 K because she will say yes.

It’s very possible… people really can be that cold and calculating. Very tough lesson for OP if so.

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:12

No i didnt ask my mum to get involved, my family are all financially literate besides me and we have open conversations about money, i think my mum really saw me struggling for the past few months when she knew that i could have been better off but knew i would not say/do anything

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 07/11/2025 14:14

You're not being unreasonable and she is a dickhead for not paying you back and making you chase her for it, then trying to get out of paying it back, then trying to emotionally manipulate you, then trying to coerce you into secrecy, then trying to guilt you, and then involving your children both. She is absolutely no loss.

Addtosignup · 07/11/2025 14:15

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:12

No i didnt ask my mum to get involved, my family are all financially literate besides me and we have open conversations about money, i think my mum really saw me struggling for the past few months when she knew that i could have been better off but knew i would not say/do anything

Why did someone not financially literate have £10k at their disposal in the first place?

LaurieFairyCake · 07/11/2025 14:15

Who cares, you got the money back

she’s a fucker

herewegoagainbabyno2 · 07/11/2025 14:15

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:12

No i didnt ask my mum to get involved, my family are all financially literate besides me and we have open conversations about money, i think my mum really saw me struggling for the past few months when she knew that i could have been better off but knew i would not say/do anything

Your mum did the right thing. This woman owed you 10 grand not £30.

Addtosignup · 07/11/2025 14:15

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:12

No i didnt ask my mum to get involved, my family are all financially literate besides me and we have open conversations about money, i think my mum really saw me struggling for the past few months when she knew that i could have been better off but knew i would not say/do anything

So if you’re all very open about money… did your family know you were lending her £10k?

XWKD · 07/11/2025 14:16

She tried to rip you off. She's a cunt from Hell.

illsendansostotheworld · 07/11/2025 14:16

The trash has taken itself out op

defrazzled · 07/11/2025 14:16

Well thank god she is out of your life, what a parasite!

WestwardHo1 · 07/11/2025 14:16

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

Oh dear. I'm afraid you were wrong to lend her the money in the first place, and the rest is irrelevant. Ten grand is a HUGE amount to lend, and you never lend anyone more than you can afford to kiss goodbye to.

Azandme · 07/11/2025 14:17

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again.

"If she'd paid it back 18 months ago, as she promised she would when I lent her it, she wouldn't need to be stressed now. Or even a year ago. Or six months ago. Instead, I'VE had 18 months of stress and struggled financially because SHE borrowed money, and refused to pay it back. I'm not the bad one here, and I won't be contacting her again, because who needs 'friends' like that?"

herewegoagainbabyno2 · 07/11/2025 14:17

I also understand why OP is upset.

I know, good riddance and all, but I don’t think it’s easy to understand why a friend would do this to you and after being so kind just block you after 17 years and not paying you back.

I think it’s going to be tough, but this is unforgivable in my opinion. Friendship break ups are awful, especially when they have been your friend for a long time. You are really better off without her.

herewegoagainbabyno2 · 07/11/2025 14:18

Azandme · 07/11/2025 14:17

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again.

"If she'd paid it back 18 months ago, as she promised she would when I lent her it, she wouldn't need to be stressed now. Or even a year ago. Or six months ago. Instead, I'VE had 18 months of stress and struggled financially because SHE borrowed money, and refused to pay it back. I'm not the bad one here, and I won't be contacting her again, because who needs 'friends' like that?"

I’m putting bets on the fact that this ex friends mum doesn’t know the full extent of why she needed to borrow the money and has probably made OP out the bad guy

Sartre · 07/11/2025 14:18

Pleased you got the money back. Remember in future never to lend anyone money you’d be unhappy never to see again. This sort of thing is far too common.

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