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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

lost friend of 17 years over loan

262 replies

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 13:19

My closest friend from 17 years borrowed money from me 2 years ago, close to 10k, i didnt ask her much about the particulars and i trusted her when she said she would return it 6 months later. 18 months went by, i needed the money as i was going through custody issues with my daughter and had taken out credit cards to pay for solicitors, plus i got a new job and my pay dropped significantly. She did not talk about paying me back i bought it up with her a few weeks ago, the first time we spoke, she gave me a plan that she was goign to sell her house and look for a job abroad (i found this odd but didnt question), then her circumstances changed, she got pregnant and told me she didnt know when she could pay me back, and didnt have a plan and couldnt even offer a monthly repayment plan. My mum was aware and called her to gently ask her what was going on and she gave my mum more random excuses. She then called me to tell me my mum had spoken to her and i wasnt sure why she was telling me because there was still no plan. I got very upset as she told me i was not allowed to discuss with anyone (our families are old friends) and she would not involve her husband or family as she didnt want to cause them stress. She asked me to ask my mum not to discuss with her family either. I felt betrayed as she had watched me suffer due to getting into abusive relationships and be expolited and felt she was treating me the same. She told me that was my 'perception' and i had to tell her i didnt want to talk until she had a plan.

A week later, her mum repaid the loan (surprisingly) and told me i has caused her too much stress and she was bleeding as a result and asked me not to contact her again. my friend blocked me on all social media and then i found out her daughter had unfriended my daughter online (these girls are aged 7 and 8). This hurt the most as i felt it was petty and unnecessary.

Was i wrong to ask her for a plan about repayment?

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 07/11/2025 14:19

Addtosignup · 07/11/2025 13:56

At 7 and 8??’ Bloody hell that’s depressing

It's not at all. At 8 my daughter had her cousins and a couple of school friends she would video call with and play Roblox with. She's not allowed any chat or messaging function but she is still friends with some people she knows. It's not depressing at all. In fact its due to video calling that she is so close to one of her cousins that she only sees in person a couple of times a year. They speak to each multiple times a week though. Another couple of friends are ones she's not at the same school with so it helps keep her friendships spread out and not concentrated in one group. Very, very far from depressing. Unless a parent intervenes and makes one unfriend another because they owed their mum money, of course.

PurpleReindeer2 · 07/11/2025 14:19

She's not a friend OP. Friends don't treat you like that. She's bang out of order and you're much better off without her in your life. Your mum stood up for you as your ex-friend was taking the piss. She's a cf and thank God you got your £10k.

Happyjoe · 07/11/2025 14:20

Am so sorry, this and being in an abusive relationship, you must be wondering what on earth.
You did nothing wrong, you were a good friend. Sadly she wasn't. Take good care of you and please, don't worry about her. Time will heal.

HelloDolly23 · 07/11/2025 14:22

This happened to me twice (yes I'm an idiot). First time a close friend from Uni, 2nd time a friend I'd met through other friends. Both times it ended the friendship but that's fine. I would have done anything for both of these women but it became obvious that they didn't count me as a friend and were just using me. Best to chalk it up to experience and never lend money that you can't afford to lose again.
Live well

Notsurewhatisnormalanymore · 07/11/2025 14:22

Of course you did nothing wrong. You needed the money and even if you didn’t you had every right to get it back. I know feelings are involved for you so it’s easy for outsiders like me to say something and it feels different for you. It is highly unlikely that the stress of this caused bleeding in her pregnancy and to be perfectly honest if she can’t commit to paying you £100 pounds a month for a debt she owes she’s not really in a fit position to bring a mouth that needs feeding into the world is she? Sorry to be blunt but it’s the hard truth.

Owly11 · 07/11/2025 14:23

This is why i never lend money. People don't want to pay it back. In fact i never lend anything that i want back. I only lend something if i am happy never to see it again.

Addtosignup · 07/11/2025 14:24

usedtobeaylis · 07/11/2025 14:19

It's not at all. At 8 my daughter had her cousins and a couple of school friends she would video call with and play Roblox with. She's not allowed any chat or messaging function but she is still friends with some people she knows. It's not depressing at all. In fact its due to video calling that she is so close to one of her cousins that she only sees in person a couple of times a year. They speak to each multiple times a week though. Another couple of friends are ones she's not at the same school with so it helps keep her friendships spread out and not concentrated in one group. Very, very far from depressing. Unless a parent intervenes and makes one unfriend another because they owed their mum money, of course.

It’s not at all… to you

to me (and others on this thread) it bloody well is depressing!

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:24

I dont spend on myself or a lot in general, not really an investor or know much about savings accounts etc. I'm quite successful and compared to my family, i would say im not financially literate. However compared to the average joe, i probably am.

OP posts:
ClaredeBear · 07/11/2025 14:24

Gosh, this sounds horrible. You’ve been a lovely friend, so don’t beat yourself up because she’s not lovely friend material. She didn’t pay you back and knew she was in the wrong so the only thing left is for her to try to make you look bad, which you don’t deserve. I hope you can move on soon.

ComfortFoodCafe · 07/11/2025 14:25

You dont need friends like that, she probably borrowed loads of money off her family hence not wanting them to know and then lent more off you and did the whole sympathy trick.

IsThisLifeNow · 07/11/2025 14:25

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/11/2025 14:08

Why not? The op probably only got her money back because her mum got involved and this user realised other people were going to know about her. As long as she thought the op would keep it a secret she’d never pay it back.

Maybe that's why the friend got more offended, that's all. But yeah, not a proper friend and at least the OP got their money back

Zempy · 07/11/2025 14:25

YANBU about the money, but children that age shouldn’t be on any SM where they can be blocked like this

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 07/11/2025 14:25

your pal has had a bollocking off her mother who has had to pay you back and your friend has spat her dummy out.

She is spoilt and entitled and you have had a lucky escape.

This is a her problem not a you problem, you are a good friend. It's her loss not yours

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:26

Thank you all so much for your reponses. I have been living in perpetual guilt wondering she is ok in her pregnancy and whether i should reach out to apologise but i think i will let this go now. I have definitely learnt my lesson the hard way and now i know to only hand out money that is a gift ad not a loan

OP posts:
Addtosignup · 07/11/2025 14:27

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:24

I dont spend on myself or a lot in general, not really an investor or know much about savings accounts etc. I'm quite successful and compared to my family, i would say im not financially literate. However compared to the average joe, i probably am.

On the basis of this thread Op, I am afraid you’re mistaken

WhatDaHell · 07/11/2025 14:27

The guilt tripping about the bleeding is awful. I really can't imagine a scenario that I would ever insinuate something like that.

Linenpickle · 07/11/2025 14:27

They are seriously entitled… no loss to that very poor one sided friendship. You’re better off without them.

OriginalUsername2 · 07/11/2025 14:27

Definitely no apologies. Nothing to apologise for here.

Mizztikle · 07/11/2025 14:28

She's upset because she had no intentions of paying you back but now you've tackled her she's had to get the money from her mom, which she will definitely have to pay back. she saw you as a meal ticket and she thought you were too much of a coward to ask her for the money back.
Good on you for not letting her use you any longer, now block the whole family and move on, good riddance.

CausalInference · 07/11/2025 14:28

You got your money back, job done.

Why does a 7 year old have social media? I think you need to be addressing this before you worry about anything else.

housethatbuiltme · 07/11/2025 14:28

Never lend money.

If you lend money you most often lose both the money and the 'friend', If you say 'no' upfront then you only lose the 'friend'.

uk1990 · 07/11/2025 14:29

CausalInference · 07/11/2025 14:28

You got your money back, job done.

Why does a 7 year old have social media? I think you need to be addressing this before you worry about anything else.

she's on roblox and only has two friends that we know since birth! she is not on social media otherwise and i am anti social media. she plays games with these two friends

OP posts:
whatcanthematterbe81 · 07/11/2025 14:30

You’ve done nothing wrong! She got herself stressed not you. 7 and 8 year olds on social media is a bit strange to me but not the point of the thread

whatcanthematterbe81 · 07/11/2025 14:30

Apologies, just saw your response to the SM after I posted

Cosyblackcatonbed · 07/11/2025 14:31

She wasn't a friend. She was a thief who was planning to steal £10k from you. Sounds like she is now manipulating her mother for money rather than you. I wouldn't give her another thought. So pleased you got your money back!