Why do some partners stay all day?

[Seymour5]

I’ve had orthopaedic surgery recently. Lovely unit, four bedded bay, women only. I was quite incapacitated the first day, in considerable pain, and really needed the loo. The partner of another patient, who was more ambulent, was sitting quite close by. The nurse offered a commode, but I wasn’t comfortable using one, when a man was just a few feet away. I used a frame and struggled to the toilets. I’m old and I just felt embarrassed. Was I being over sensitive?

Until covid our local hospital had The Womens Royal Voluntary Service. This was everything from selling newspapers to fetching water.
I've said up thread I don't like visitors on the ward all day. I'm a confident person married to an ex clinician. If I'm in hospital I expect a good standard of care and I'm vocal if I don't get it.
I understand some women are not as self assured and feel they're a pain for asking for care but they really shouldn't.

I had a major gynecological surgery earlier this year and in all fairness the men on the ward didn't arrive until after lunch. I was washed by then and decent.
I didn't like the sweary visitor next door and another lady complained. Saved me a job!
Our local hospital is thought a bit lacking but I don't agree. The ED. is awful but we have plenty of matrons. Ask to see one if you need help.
I'm back in next week and my DH will stay an hour a night then bog off. I go home when I'm ready and my black humour allows me to say if they kill me off they tried.

That sounds like a terrible experience. But not typical of maternity wards these days?

Most mums are able to sit up in bed as soon as the spinal anaesthetic wears off post c-section. You can reach into bedside cot to lift baby, feed, change nappies. I was kept in Recovery for a couple of hours post section, where you're allowed to have your DH and there's a HCP providing 1-1 support and monitoring. As soon as you're stable and can move legs properly, they take you to the ward. DH was allowed to bring my stuff, but they stopped him outside the bay as it was past visiting hours when I was transferred. He gave the bags to the nurse and returned next day at 4pm. By then I was mobile, able to shuffle around bed and to the toilet outside bay. Women who had just had c-sections were all in the 2 bays closest to nursing station, so maybe that's why they were well-staffed? Staff sort of hovered as soon as babies cried and asked if we needed help, rather than did it for us. Having the catheter and IV out 6 hours after surgery was rough, as was standing up and walking. But you're all in the same boat and it's far less embarrassing when you're not being watched by visitors.

I really liked the 4-6pm visiting hours! Stops you getting too dependent on partner for physical/emotional support. I missed my family but also had lots of time to bond with baby.

Some women go home the day after a c-section. I imagine some are on their own, looking after several kids!

If a woman was sedated I guess they would be in a side room, so the partner could stay overnight. All the women around me were up and about the same day or day after surgery. They only offered tiny amounts of oramorph for pain, in case it gets into breast milk! And only for 24 hours.

It was an NHS hospital, in Sussex. Fairly typical of other hospitals in the area.

I used to help feed the other patients when I was in there with my mum.

it used to be only 2 to a bed, visitors' rule, and some days were afternoon visiting, mainly weekends, and then about an hour. Then another visiting time in the evening, usually an hour.
To be honest, I don't find visitors very helpful; there's a lot of fuss and flap, but as for doing something useful, no. Also, there used to be a strict rule on the bed for a rest before visitors, which made sure everyone was rested before visitors arrived.
Obviously, if someone was dying, then they were usually moved to a side ward so relatives could visit and stay without disturbing anyone else

No. You weren't.

Had same experience when recovering from a hernia op. Badly needed a commode but wouldnt consider using one with strange men just a few feet away. Visiting time should definitely be limited.

Yes bit you can hear more when there's just a curtain rather than a door!

This. If you'd pooped he might have gone home.

I see your dilemma and I agree that its a pain that visitors are there all day talking etc... BUT you are in a hospital where the staff and facilities are stretched to the max and privacy goes out the window. Perhaps loudly state that you need a number two and need the commode and that'll scare a few away.

I agree in a bay they should be asked to leave (unless they're accompanying someone with additional needs or has a neurological condition)- it's not nice for anyone including the person visiting.
i had a stay on an antenatal ward for 5 days whilst pregnant- luckily in a side room as they do the inductions there. I was ill and so tired I just wanted to sleep, personally I'm not massively social in general and the thought of someone being there and being made to talk for hours on end horrifies me.
im a nurse in a highly acute area and we have shortened visiting, they trialled longer but it wasn't great as people were staying the entire time and its hard to get stuff done. It's great in the sense as it helps boost morale for patients and they need some positivity and familiar faces (we do like to chat but it's so difficult when you've got a million things to do). However also these patients are working extremely hard to get better and they get SO tired, some have complained to me that their relatives stay too long, so I always say to patients if they need a bit of time tell me they need the loo or something I can kick them out, we have a chat and if they want me to get them to leave il explain when I let them back in suggesting that its time to say bye as I can see they're exhausted.
there's pros and cons to visiting hours definitely. Something like using a commode in a bay I'd defo be ready to move visitors out though if a patient was saying they weren't comfortable!

Sounds like you aren’t living in the real world, wards are understaffed and visitors and unpaid student nurses have to bridge the gap. Even if you used the toilet cubicle you can hear what everyone is doing so you should have just pulled the curtain round and got on with it.

My DD is 20. This is her first time in hospital atm. She is in pain, scared and battling an infection she was discharged with,returned to hospital with and has had to have a large amount of skin removed because of.
If her BF being with her makes someone else uncomfortable, sorry, but I don't care!

She is facing skin grafts, scared she may lose her leg,needs all the comfort she can get.

Woman up and use the commode.... or not..... you're not the only person who's comfort matters.

I was ill and so tired I just wanted to sleep, personally I'm not massively social in general and the thought of someone being there and being made to talk for hours on end horrifies me.

but visitors are your own? You are tired, you are telling YOUR visitor to let you sleep?

Normal visitors read or do some work and let you rest anyway, they are there for company, not for being a nuisance. If they are, tell them to leave?

Agree! I visited my husband on the day he was discharged (was only in a night after early morning surgery the day before) It was a late afternoon pick up and he said 2 patients in his 4 bed ward, had had visitors all day. One of them was a family who were noisy and stayed for hours, and the other was visiting her husband and literally talked all day.. He really didn't get much rest and was pleased to be leaving!

🤣 because I guess you're joking?

I did feel uncomfortable during a recent hospital stay due to the fact that other people had visitors for all of the visiting hours but totally understand that it’s important for company, help and often people advocating for themselves.

I had really bad trapped wind due to the pain relief and antibiotics I was on but I was not going to hold it in and be in pain.

I kept the curtains pulled mostly and kept my headphones on while I watching films or snoozed and tried not to think about the fact that I was farting really loudly all the time they were there. What I couldn’t hear over my headphones I was in denial about.

I personally didn’t need visitors so I just had my husband bring my kids for a flying visit each evening visiting. I know everyone’s different but unless there is a real need I would rather be alone in hospital

You would be amazed at the number of patients who cannot attend even a routine appointment alone and the number who consider it a family day out (multiple generations - grandparents, kids etc). Take the kids off and entertain them so the Mum/Dad can have their appointment in peace.

There is sometimes a very justifiable reason (mobility, anxiety, health conditions etc) but the huge number we see just baffles me. I’ve never once taken my DH to an appointment other than baby scans. If I was in hospital for surgery, i’d want to see him but not stuck to my side 24 hours a day. I’d want the rest and peace to recover (thats the whole point of being there). I do agree with others that nurses are stretched beyond the limit so it can sometimes be helpful to have a family member there (if they are prepared to help and don’t add to the workload!).

Yes I was surprised to be fair and one lady had family on speakerphone most of the time outside visiting from morning to night too and full groups of visitors within the times. She clearly wasn’t comfortable being alone at all.

They must have thought I was unloved but I was very clear to family to just stay at home as I was only in for 4 days and I just wanted to doze and get myself better. I was pretty happy to spend time alone (novelty) and the nurses were helpful.

YANBU.

I was in hospital last year after surgery. It was a mixed ward for head/neck injuries and neurology. The poor guy next to me had jumped off a building trying to kill himself (hence sustaining a head and other injuries and ending up next to me who just had cancer surgery on my head).

He had about 4 bloody visitors at all times. All 16 aunties must have made an appearance, his nan, his nan’s neighbour, a few cousins, his mum, brothers, uncles, some teacher from school. Literally we had the whole town come through the ward. The distant relations sort of sounded like they hadn’t seen him in years. His family came and sat around for hours mostly criticising him, or trying to force him to watch the football that he had no interest in, or trying to get him to eat McDonald’s except he couldn’t even open his mouth because he’d crushed half his skull.

I felt so bad for him. Constantly swamped by people who didn’t seem to want to be there and he just looked tired and in pain. I can’t imagine any of it was good for his mental health.

I took many a piss on the other side of the curtain from them all though. I don’t care about that. 😂

I'd feel uncomfortable too.
Different on a children's ward.

Depends.. MIL has Parkinsons and is in hospital with a uti. SIL stays all night with her and we do daytime shifts or she would get confused and not know where she is, let alone feed herself.

I could not think of anything worse though then being on a communal ward with no privacy so I do understand!

They sound like the bloody Boswells. Poor sod.

Hope ypu are feeling better.

Because.it is warm and comfortable, They have someone to talk to and probably nothing else to do.

And the NHS lets them .

They should bring back visiting times asap

Could have been worse. A gang of kids running up and down the ward screaming and throwing things..Whilst their lazy feckless mother just sits on her arse smiling at them.

You should have pissed on that blokes chair and his shoes.

.

I was in hospital recently. The nursing care was absolutely atrocious. They were rushed off their feet. I was brought back from surgery and left facing a wall, with no water, no phone, nothing. I have never been so relieved to see my husband walk in. He got me into my pyjamas, set me up with my phone, charger, water, magazine etc.

If you want to start limiting visiting times then fine, but they need to adequately staff the wards.