Why do some partners stay all day?

[Seymour5]

I’ve had orthopaedic surgery recently. Lovely unit, four bedded bay, women only. I was quite incapacitated the first day, in considerable pain, and really needed the loo. The partner of another patient, who was more ambulent, was sitting quite close by. The nurse offered a commode, but I wasn’t comfortable using one, when a man was just a few feet away. I used a frame and struggled to the toilets. I’m old and I just felt embarrassed. Was I being over sensitive?

Similar family orientation in parts of Scotland too.

Privacy and dignity (for all patients) should outweigh someone wanting a visitor with them all day for emotional support, company or constant reassurance.

Most NHS hospitals I've been in over the last decade seem to recognise this, and have strict visiting hours. I feel sorry for staff when they have to police such a common-sense rule.

Nuffield hospital was even stricter about visitors, when I had major surgery 2 years ago. They strongly discouraged visitors on the ward, stating I would need to rest after the surgery. I enjoyed the peaceful environment.

I think it's a common misconception that someone 'needs' family surrounding them, chatting all day to entertain them. I wonder how many of us are secretly relieved when nurses make it clear to relatives they are not encouraged to visit for long periods of time?

yes, let's leave these women who just had extensive surgery to deal with a baby without any help, wonderful idea.

For me it wouldn't matter if it was a man or woman, a woman constantly talking would drive me crazy too.

It must depends on your relatives, when I have visitors in hospital, or when I visit one of my kids, no one is "chatting " all day.

I would understand the point if it was possible to enforce the "shut up" rule to other patients , ban mobile phones for anything else than texting and ban tv on wards.

The point is that it's other patients who are a stop to privacy and dignity anyway. Visitors don't make much difference.

Some people are really worried about family-after the assault at the Blackpool hospital, and the nurses arrested for harming patients, a lot of people don't want to be left alone.
My mum was harassed in hospital (by another woman patient), and if we'd been allowed to be there, we might have been able to stop this.

No TV either in the day unit or on the post surgery ward, thank goodness. When two of us moved into post surgery for our overnight stays, there was a young woman already there who had a couple of visitors, she was hooked up to a drip, and immobile. No issues at all with that. They left at a reasonable time, and one came back next day as I was being discharged. There was a very different vibe to the scenario where a man just sat there from admission onwards.

I appreciate all the responses, thanks.

Yes, constant noise is also a separate issue.

Not everyone has extensive surgery in maternity wards you know

I’ve never been in one of these. Have many people?
I’d feel the same as OP.

with straightforward births, you tend to leave within a few hours you know.

Women who stay for several nights with their baby stay for a reason, and more often than not, it's surgery, what else.

But you could turn that question on its head and say why does your situation trump the OP’s?

I think the solution would be to ask visitors to go to the lounge area when a patient needs privacy.

Probably because hospitals can be daunting places, people are anxious, so like to have some reassuring visits from their loved ones? Maybe... just a thought 🤔

Personally I am one of those patients who wants her DH with her as much as is humanly possible. The reason? Because I enjoy his company. If I want to sleep, he'll either sit quietly reading a book, or looking at his phone, or he'll go off and have a walk about for a while, but then when I'm awake, we'll chat quietly, and he's there to help me if necessary. I was in hospital once, in a room on my own, and in spite of using the emergency buzzer 3 times, and nurses putting their head around the door and saying 'we'll be with you in a minute', no one actually came to help me. In the end, my DH went out, and told them that if someone didn't come and see to me IMMEDIATELY he would be making an official complaint about their negligence. It did the trick, it was something he couldn't do for me, and had I been on my own, I'd have been laid there in my own mess for who knows how many hours.

Another time I was in a ladies ward with women of various ages, there was an elderly lady who didn't have any visitors, and so they gave her a bell to call for help. The bell went off so many times, I could happily have rammed it down her throat, and I got the impression the nursing staff would have liked to do the same thing. However, had she had a family member or friend there with her, she'd have been happier, well cared for, and wouldn't have bothered the other patients or the staff.

I've also experienced complete family's gathered around a bed, making so much noise that they were a real nuisance. Several patients complained to the nursing staff about the noise, but not one of them had the courage to tell them to be quiet or go home. So I've seen the various different scenarios, and personally, I think that one visitor all day is fine, but maybe visiting hours should be in place for families who want to visit as a group, and the number of people around the bed should be limited according to the amount of space available.

That’s exactly what I was thinking and was going to say.

It's anxiety inducing when you feel you can't even get your legs out the bed because some strange bloke is there. Pull a curtain round? Why should you have to be cooped up all day because of endless visitors who overstay.

Maybe I've watched too many historical series, but wasn't there at some point other staff besides nurses and doctors in hospitals for exactly these additional tasks? For example sisters of a clerical order.

For tasks that don't require as much medical knowledge as nurses have and which are of the kind that people describe on here - help with eating, making sure that exhausted patients or people with dementia drink enough, practical help, making sure wards don't get too noisy, dealing with situations like dozens of visitors at once for one person which takes over the room, and similar. They can't replace the company by family members and friends, of course, but they would still help a lot with practical things.

This would also help alleviate inequality between patients, where the ones who have their family with them are in a better situation and have someone advocating, whereas those whose family lives too far away or is at work most hours and can't do the travel each evening are in a worse situation.

Not over sensitive, but you could have just as likely needed to wee during visiting hours.

This!

Why couldn’t the nurse wheel you over to the toilet on the commode instead of you struggling with a frame? I know I would prefer to go over to the toilet if I was capable even if there were not visitors there.

yes, let's leave these women who just had extensive surgery to deal with a baby without any help, wonderful idea

I had a c-section 3 years ago. The maternity ward still had strict visitor rules (they claimed this was infection control but I suspect it was also for everyone's comfort and safety). And so staff can help women bond with babies and get back to independence quickly.

Each patient was allowed to have one visitor 4-6pm only (the same person and no under 18s fortunately). Visitors were firmly told to leave at 6pm. The only exceptions were the private rooms (4 rooms per ward) which were reserved for very unwell ladies or those whose babies were in special care unit. Even they could only have 1 visitor.

I was there for 10 days due to complications of surgery and baby taking time to gain weight. Yes I missed DH and our older child at times, but compared to the chaos of the ward I went to after DC1 was born (where visitors could stay all day and kids were playing hide and seek with the curtains) it was bliss.

No visitors until 4pm meant the nurses could focus on routines, including getting everyone who could walk, up for breakfast! Day 1 after surgery I found this tough, but mobilising is crucial. It also protected the mothers' dignity a bit, as we were all holding onto the walls, in our nighties/gowns. Nurses made sure everyone was properly dressed by visiting time. We were encouraged to do as much as we could independently, from feeding/changing babies to walking from bed to dining area. There were plenty of staff to help (maternity support workers, HCAs). I guess they could work more easily, rather than tending to visitors all day.

I wonder if this applies to general wards too? The aim of hospital is to get people up and moving, back to daily routines. Visitors helping with everything can delay recovery (accidentally) as the patient has everything done for them. Obviously not applicable if they genuinely NEED help with feeding, mobility etc. But when visitors help a person who is normally independent, there's a risk they get de-skilled and lack confidence or motivation to do things without help?

You are lucky because my experience and all my friends experience were completely different, as recently as last year. So much staff available, was it private? NHS hospitals in my area are NOT that way.

one visitor 4-6pm only what prison was that! Number and age are fine, but times are insane.

No staff, no one to help mums to get dressed! , nurses had better things to do. No nurse available to even help a mum make it to the shower! Partner had to help.

Women arriving on the ward, with partner carrying everything at any time of day or night - understandably, babies don't arrive on a schedule. Thankfully partners could at least go with and help them settle a bit even in the middle of the night, even if not really allowed to stay, but people are human.

No nurse around for breakfast or any other meal, visitor hour or not.

Mothers desperate to walk and get the hell out of there anyway, but had to wait for visitors to help getting out of bed and make sure they didn't fall.

Mothers had to wait for visitor to bring baby in and ouf of the cot when they were too weak or too sedated to get up and pick up baby.

No partner means no-one to pick up a baby who was left to cry and woke up the whole ward, and repeat...

No blame on nurses or midwives, there's no staff, what are they supposed to do? They run around as it is

No help on other wards either, but it's less of an issue when there's no baby to look after.

No chance for privacy or dignity when you are not in a private room anyway!

Wouldn't it be amazing if we could create some flexible hours, maybe short four hour shifts, of staff who are not medically trained but simply there to fetch water or toast, plump a pillow, lend an arm for stability, run a cloth over surfaces, keep people company, fetch and carry generally, look after new mums. Would be perfect for those who find full time demands too much or who currently can't access work. Would free up nurses for the more complex caring needs, provide much needed support and get people into work.

I have to say, drinks, tea, coffee, juice, as well as fresh water jugs were brought round regularly. Toast and biscuits too. No complaints. Meals for those staying.

I’m glad you had a good experience of being cared for, but the thing is, you never know if that will be the case. I’ve stayed in an NHS hospital twice, once after having my first child and once for an operation. Both times I couldn’t walk, yet I wasn’t brought food. Both times I was told it was a short walk away down a corridor and when I said I couldn’t walk, they tutted/huffed, said they’d bring me something when they had time, but never did. After my birth I didn’t get water or pain medication and antibiotics when I was due . I had to keep asking as they weren’t brought on time and I was made to feel like I was the problem. When I asked, I often got pissed off faces and huffing, like I was asking for too much.

I chose to have my second baby in a private hospital as I couldn’t face going through that again and having no help.

If I ever have to stay in an NHS hospital again and my partner can stay, then he will stay, because I’m never going to leave it to chance whether I get what I need if I can help it.