To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

[Erolly]

This might read a little controversial and this isn’t an attack on these families but more just a misalignment in priorities.
My DD is 4 she’s just started reception at an all girls prep, we really loved the school prior to her starting, solid leavers destinations without feeling too pushy, nice mixed curriculum etc.
My DS is at a co-ed he’s 7, we decided not to send DD to the same school as we actually thought the all girls was a better fit for DD.
Now we are a half term in and I’m really struggling with the culture at the school compared to DS’s. I’m going to generalise and of course not all of the families are like this or have all these traits but it’s just what I’ve noticed more generally.

1. Lots of SAHMs, all doing the school run in their alo or lululemon sets and rushing off for Pilates. I work full time, I have nothing in common with them and I’ve found them quite unwelcoming.
2. These little girls seem to do so many hobby’s, they are only 4 and every mum I’ve spoken to has told me how their child does Gymnastics and Ballet or Ballet and Tennis or stagecoach and horse riding etc. It reads as a little pushy to me and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to keep up with DD but we just don’t have the time.
3. The competitive birthday parties! Just in term one alone I’ve been to a party which had a 3 tier cake that probably cost more than my wedding cake, performers, someone doing face painting and someone else doing glitter tattoos. Another with massive balloon arches, all these custom cupcakes etc. I just know if this is what DD expects we won’t be able to keep up.
4. I think the parents must just have more access to money than at my DSs school, I constantly hear mums talking about 2 weeks in Mustique in April or whether Chamonix or Verbier are better for skiing etc. Again we just can’t keep up with this and I don’t want DD feeling like she is always less than her classmates.

Today I enquired at DSs school and they do actually have a place available in reception as they believe due to the VAT less parents took up places than normal in reception. I’m genuinely considering moving DD to join her brother. It would be practically easier and I just don’t know how much more of these mums I can take.

DH doesn’t mind either way but does worry that we’d be moving DD from somewhere she’s happy.

AIBU?

You want to change the school for you not your DD, what does she want?

Well she’s 4, she wants lots of things like ice cream for breakfast and cookies for dinner, that doesn’t mean it’s the best choice for her. I personally don’t think being in this school would be good for her long term as clearly we won’t be offering the same as her classmates families. I already know that DS’s school has a much more welcoming culture and I’d say is just as good academically etc. or we wouldn’t have sent DS there.

I like all girls schools for secondary but for prep - they’re unnecessary. I’m not surprised the parents are precious sorry.

They sound like reasons you don't want her to be there. So you don't like the culture of the parents and their lifestyles, but what has that got to do with the school? You said you really liked the school.
Then you "met" the mums and changed your mind?!
If it's a good school, who gives a shit what other families are or aren't doing, or what they're wearing, or what their kids do for hobbies?!

Well i wouldn't like a child of mine being educated in such a money obsessed materialistic environment.

You will end up doing a lot of " keeping up with the Jones's " in order for her not to feel the odd one out . And I wouldn't like the effect al this will have on her outlook on life.

Besides which having attended an all girls school myself I don't think it's a good preparation for life.

There seems a lot of good reasons for your dd to attend the same school as your DS . I would definitely change her school.

Dgd just finished 6 years of this and honestly there were some very unkind dynamics over the years. Knowing what I know now in hindsight I’d vote mixed.

I think being able to fit in socially with your peers is an huge part of school and as a parent, if you can already see its going to be difficult for your family to keep up with the school culture, I believe it's a good enough reason to move her.

It's annoying that the school itself sounds like it's great, but school isn't about just the academics is it?

Go with your gut!

I would move her. The parents sound awful (not school's fault).

Personally, I think it's also nice for siblings to attend the same school, it's an additional bond in life to talk about/ shared experience etc. It's also great for girls and boys to mix socially at this age.

You sound a little intimidated by the parents, particularly the mums at your daughter's school - I can't quite understand how a mums choice of leggings is significant enough to influence a change your daughter's school. Your reasoning is quite bizarre.

At drop off you will also be coming across the parents who WFH or do not work by the nature of drop offs / pick ups, there may be lots who you are yet to meet who may align more with your principles. I have 5 daughters at 3 different schools, all of which I have rarely been to either drop off or pick up. Our nannies do both, and dress very similar to your description some of the time.

Either way this is your daughter's school not yours. If she is happy, achieving and settled why disrupt that due to your own prejudiced views.

I would have thought you were better off having both kids in the same school anyway? It’s not ideal to change schools so soon after starting, but if you definitely are going to change, might as well just get on and do it.

I went to a similar school with the same background as you OP. It was also an all girls place. I really struggled socially due to the vast difference in lifestyle between me and the other kids. I ended up with only one friend the entire 5 years I was there and she was on a scholarship and lived just a couple of streets away in a house just like mine.

The competitive birthday party thing is something I remember well. While I did enjoy all those extravagant parties, I always hated my own as I was too worried about what the other kids were thinking

As soon as I moved into another school I made lots of friends and we were all constantly playing at each others houses etc. I wish I'd been moved earlier honestly.

I’m a “Pilates girl” who wears matching gym sets…I’m simultaneously holding down a high tax bracket full time role and have two degrees. The two personas aren’t mutually exclusive - and you sound just as closed off to them, as you have assumed they are with you.

The truth is they are human and they can likely sense an unwelcoming energy from you - so are you really surprised if they pick up on that? If I ran into someone wearing an Alo set at 8am whilst I was in a suit en route to work, I might think they look nice and perhaps tell them or ask them where’s the set from…as opposed to thinking we have absolutely nothing in common. It wouldn’t make me think there’s a big cultural mismatch where I need to keep my children away from theirs. It’s just trendy clothing, hardly remarkable.

Secondly, your whole post reads as an inferiority complex and like they are showing up your lack of means to give your kids the same life experiences. Yes, I can guarantee that some of the parents you mention are keeping up with the Joneses and merely portraying a lifestyle - but ultimately a 3 tier kid’s party cake is a fairly harmless thing and quite silly to change schools over. Your own child has been invited and included and seems fine at her school. You’re not going to be able to shield her from people with more wealth forever - she will realise the disparity in her upbringing, even if you change her schools.

Change it now, you’re not happy and the sooner done, the better.

It sounds horrible!

and to the poster who asked what does your daughter want, that’s ridiculous! She’s four!!!

change schools! I wouldn’t want my child in that toxic environment, competitive pushy parents fostering entitled kids

she’ll grow up with a far more balanced thoughtful outlook at her brother’s school.

I would change schools. My dd is at a very welcoming co-ed private secondary schools and the one she chose to attend in preference to a larger all girls. A lot of the parents at dd’s school have more money than us. It’s the demographic of the area. I wouldn’t like to be around a lot of parents with sharp elbows and would not keep your dd in a school, which doesn’t feel like a good fit for your family. Trust your instincts.

Why did you think this school was a better fit for DD in the first place- have those reasons disappeared just because you don’t like the parents?

You chose a school based on your impressions from the outside but now you're there, you see that the culture of the majority of parents bring doesn't gel with you. Absolutely move - as a PP said, the attitudes of the parents will shape your DDs peer group in a way you're not happy with. It's not the school for you, which you have only discovered upon arrival.

@Erolly you've only just started at this school so if your gut is saying move plus there's a place elsewhere, then go. Had you not had an alternative readily available, id say give it a year.

My children are at a similar school to what you describe. Im also the only single parent plus one of the very few working mums. I havent got anywhere near the income most have. However some of these SAHM have become my firm friends through the years based on them being really lovely people. Of course I envy their free time but I love what I do as well. There are a few who I have nothing in common with but we aren't friends!

Everyone does loads of clubs in the first year or so because there are loads on offer, but most drop them later on when you realise they won't end up a prima ballerina etc. Similar to parties, parents don't know each other so want to do the best they can to show off yet as the years pass, people go to far less trouble given the cost etc.

Change schools, my ds went to a Catholic primary school even though we aren't Catholic. Most of the parents already knew each other from church or were past pupils at the school, there were only 3 pupils who weren't Catholic & we were treated like complete outsiders, the mothers were very bitchy & their cliques were closed shops. I didn't want to move ds because the school was graded Outstanding by OFSTED but with hindsight he would have been much happier at the school 5 minutes down the road that was graded Good.

The ‘solid’ leavers destinations will mean ambitious and quite competitive parents. You don’t get one without the other. Presumably you are quite ambitious and competitive otherwise you would have chosen the more convenient option of her brother’s school. They are wealthy so probably holiday in nice places and have expensive birthday parties. There isn’t any reason why they shouldn’t. If you work full time, do you actually see much of the parents though?

I was that kid OP. The comparisons will start openly between the kids soon enough, and will just get worse from there.
I would move her.

This isn’t about the school culture - the classroom culture or the kids.

it’s about the parents.

you can absolutely move her because you don’t like the other parents.

personally my kids went to a prep school where we didn’t really fit in as parents but they got an amazing education.

you do you.

It sounds more like you don't like the school because you don't fit in. What about your daughter, is she happy? Is she enjoying her time in school?

Logistically I would have put both children in the same school to begin with. However if you want to move then do so now, it'll probably be harder on her when she's older.

Leave now. Don't think about it any more, just phone your son's school and take the place, and write off the rest of the term's fees at current school.
Feeling like you fit in and are part of a community is really important to you all as a family. You already know your son's school. Co-ed is better at this age anyway!

Oh no! Not SAHMs! 😱
Sounds to me like your attitude is slightly the problem, OP, insisting you have nothing in common with people you've barely spoken to because you "work full time" as if that makes you superior. I'm a SAHM and, shockingly, still have a working brain, a personality and am occasionally capable of intelligent conversation.

Just because the mothers display class markers you don't like doesn't mean the little girls are not perfectly nice. I wouldn't get so hung up on people's clothes and presume it tells you anything real about them.

The holidays and birthday parties I'm with you on. I don't think it's necessary to "keep up" but if you think your daughter is the type to get jealous and dejected about it then I would exit now. Although I have to say I would never have sent my kid to an "all-girls prep," for so many reasons, and I'm not sure what you expected. Perhaps there was something in particular that made you send her there.