To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

[Erolly]

This might read a little controversial and this isn’t an attack on these families but more just a misalignment in priorities.
My DD is 4 she’s just started reception at an all girls prep, we really loved the school prior to her starting, solid leavers destinations without feeling too pushy, nice mixed curriculum etc.
My DS is at a co-ed he’s 7, we decided not to send DD to the same school as we actually thought the all girls was a better fit for DD.
Now we are a half term in and I’m really struggling with the culture at the school compared to DS’s. I’m going to generalise and of course not all of the families are like this or have all these traits but it’s just what I’ve noticed more generally.

1. Lots of SAHMs, all doing the school run in their alo or lululemon sets and rushing off for Pilates. I work full time, I have nothing in common with them and I’ve found them quite unwelcoming.
2. These little girls seem to do so many hobby’s, they are only 4 and every mum I’ve spoken to has told me how their child does Gymnastics and Ballet or Ballet and Tennis or stagecoach and horse riding etc. It reads as a little pushy to me and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to keep up with DD but we just don’t have the time.
3. The competitive birthday parties! Just in term one alone I’ve been to a party which had a 3 tier cake that probably cost more than my wedding cake, performers, someone doing face painting and someone else doing glitter tattoos. Another with massive balloon arches, all these custom cupcakes etc. I just know if this is what DD expects we won’t be able to keep up.
4. I think the parents must just have more access to money than at my DSs school, I constantly hear mums talking about 2 weeks in Mustique in April or whether Chamonix or Verbier are better for skiing etc. Again we just can’t keep up with this and I don’t want DD feeling like she is always less than her classmates.

Today I enquired at DSs school and they do actually have a place available in reception as they believe due to the VAT less parents took up places than normal in reception. I’m genuinely considering moving DD to join her brother. It would be practically easier and I just don’t know how much more of these mums I can take.

DH doesn’t mind either way but does worry that we’d be moving DD from somewhere she’s happy.

AIBU?

Is your daughter happy, settled and doing well? Would she be unsettled by a change.

Can you manage two sets if fees whilst you pay the notice period.

Exactly: where do you draw the line here?

You can’t expect to always find a perfect demographic match for your child in any school (and nor should you).

I acknowledge there are plenty of good reasons not to send a child to private school. But some of the attitudes here seem incredibly narrow minded.

Assuming that because people are SAHMs or go to the gym they must all be snobs or that everyone is obsessed with money etc. You can’t lump all of these people together on the basis that they wear Lululemon loungewear.

Also are you saying its bad for a child to grow up around wealthy or ambitious people? Does that mean you would encourage her to be around people only if you see them as the same social class? Would you apply that logic in reverse, ie you would move again if the people at her next school seemed “too poor”?

Private schools aren’t necessarily known for economic diversity. But you seem to have very rigid thinking about which “lane” your child should grow up in. Careful you don’t pass that on to her.

If she hates the school or you can’t afford it it would be totally legitimate to move. But don’t only move because you believe that you are somehow “not worthy”. Its self defeating.

i think move her to where her brother is. I think even if single sex is better for girls education in certain ways, I think the benefit is more at secondary school.

I was expecting OP to complain about the Mums turning up wearing pyjamas etc!

If the co-ed school wasn't suitable for her originally, I wonder what makes it suitable now ? Although going to the same school as big brother would seem sensible to me.

The DD may well do when she's older if her own lifestyle isn't the same I was a s scholarship girt at private school so know about these things

If you like the school in terms of teaching, leavers destinations you should give it longer. Presumably there were qualities about this school you valued over the other one

There is a long way to go from reception to year 6 - things change a lot in terms of maturity, friend groups, parent friendships etc.

There’s always parents you won’t connect with, and plenty you will - it takes some time to find your group.

The most important thing is a place your child likes, has friends and a school that can help her fulfil her potential.

The other parents being a bit unfriendly isn’t a great reason to make such a major change.

Yes just move her, it sounds like a nightmare atmosphere and makes life harder for you with logistics anyway. If you move her now she'll barely remember this school in a year's time.

It’s best to move her now than wait until solid friendships are established.

I would move her, I've seen the fallout of this setup when a mate sent her girl to a high flying school. She was alienated from her friends which didn't lead to a good place. She ended up flunking school with no exams, the complete opposite of what mum thought would be good for her

I’d move her for practical reasons, 2 kids at different schools is only going to get more stressful as they get older - what happens if they both have a school event (assembly, Christmas concert etc) on the same day? Prep/Primary is a constant merry go round of these sort of things

If you feel like that about the mums then it’s probably going to grate longer term so I would move her. It’s easy now since it’s so early. Our school (state not private) has an unpleasant and cliquey mum group. I observe the behaviours of the mothers very much driven through the children as well. It’s not enough to make me move but I’ll be glad when we’re at a different school. If I’d had an earlier insight I probably would have picked somewhere different.

I would move her. I went to a primary as you describe and it was awful. Kids coming back from skiing and safaris and I had been for a week in a caravan in Llanmadoc.

It was embarrassing.

Assuming that because people are SAHMs or go to the gym they must all be snobs or that everyone is obsessed with money etc. You can’t lump all of these people together on the basis that they wear Lululemon loungewear.

Is the OP saying that?

Different schools have different demographics even within private. There are probably more mothers like the OP but maybe they can't do pick ups.

Honestly, I would move her.

1. It is sooooooo much easier if you have both DC in the same primary school. I think it's weird you looked at another school UNLESS her school offers her something demonstrably better for her needs - it doesn't sound like it does.
2. Would you get a discount if both DC were at the same school?
3. Moving DC in primary school, for most DC, tends to be harmless and teachers are very good at settling them in the environment. The sooner you do this the better. My DC1 had to move primary school twice, once in Y2 (relocation) and then in Y3 to go a to a closer (& better) primary school to our new home. Honestly, it was fine.
4. Finding your 'tribe' with other school parents is important and hugely helpful. I also work full time so not around a lot at drop off or pick up, however, I do have a group of mums who I can depend on if something goes wrong / ask for help.

When we relocated my DC was placed in the 'worst' school in the borough. Some of the parents were lovely and really valued education. Some of the parents were really rough - swearing, a fighting incident between parents - a police officer had to be placed at the school gates for a couple of weeks, other stuff as well.
These people were definitely not my 'tribe'.
When we moved schools again, my DC and me were instantly welcomed into the fold and I am still friends with the school mums even when our DC are teenagers and go to different schools

PS - athleisure wear is present at all school drop offs.
PPS - there are always some people who throw 'extravagant' parties.

Thing is though the OP is making some wild reaches based on some really limited examples: leggings, a few nice holidays and kids doing fun parties after 2 months. Let’s be honest, if she can afford two kids in prep from the age of 4 she’s going to be in a wealthy bracket. At the moment, it feels like there is a massive inferiority complex driving her school choice which isn’t the right reason to pick a school.

Effectively she is saying that, yes. She's saying she doesn't like the "culture" of the school, based purely on the fact that a lot of women show up at the school gates in expensive gym wear and they go on expensive holidays.

Someone's income level doesn't necessarily tell you about their "culture" or values: it just tells you they have a certain amount of money.

Flip this on its head and you would be saying you don't like the "culture" of a school because people come in dressed in Primark or holiday in a static caravan. In that scenario the OP would rightly be torn a new one for being a snob.

Assuming these are the "wrong kind of people" purely because they have more visible markers of wealth is as bad as doing it because they appear poorer. It's pretty crude reverse snobbery.

My son went to a pre prep from age 2 for a year.
I found it quite similar. At the christmas cofdee morning, people were talking about a suitable donation to the teachers christmas collection and whether 100 or 200 was the right amount.
The school gate was like being in the film 'Clueless'. Some of the mums seemed obsessed with showcasing their own school acheivements such as talking about how they were head of the netball team and their adventures as head girl in a private school😂
Birthday parties were ridiculous.
We ultimately moved out of there for other reasons and went to state.
Personally I do think if you can't keep up then it will be pretty shit. Noone wants to be the poor kid, even if toubarent actually poor at all, there will always be people richer than you.
I think at primary it is important to have a nice group of mums that are similar, your kids to feel accepted and included and not spend their entire primary years feeling like they don't have enough or feeling judged.

My children go to a private school with a very mixed demographic. My older daughter has friends with mothers I have things in common with and in what I suppose you'd call a similar 'class'. My younger daughter is building her friendship and what seems to be her best friend comes from a family in very different circumstances to us. I have pretty much nothing in common with the mother and she's more than 20 years younger than me! I found her standoffish at first - I think she was more aware of and bothered by the differences between us - but have persevered and we're getting on fine. I personally have no issue with their circumstances, only that their child is nice and the girls are happy together, and am happy for both of my children to have friendships of either kind. I'm very aware that we have less money than some of the parents but more than some of the others and I really don't care. I'm pretty sure I'm not that unusual. We've seen the difference in party culture too and I have to say I really don't think any less of the parents who DON'T do the professional level events and there are plenty of us who don't feel the need to keep up with the mothers who are a bit 'extra'. As you get to know them you may find them more approachable than you think. One of ours always admits apologetically that she's very 'type A' and feels pressured to go all out for parties and that actually it sresses her out. We've all told her to chill but it's just not her way. She's completely human as it turns out but you wouldn't realise at first glance.

What seems to worry you is that the class divide here is overwhelming and you won't find common ground, in which case changing schools makes sense, however I think it's probably too soon to make the judgement. You haven't got to know any of the other families well enough yet to know what you're dealing with and you could definitely be surprised. It takes time for the children and parents to find their tribes.

I'd move her. I've just moved my 11 yo. He just started high school and after 2 months I moved him. I felt guilty and all that but he loves his new school and has loads of friends.

If that was me, I'd absolutely be feeling judged constantly..for my clothes, car, parties, house, area etc. I wouldn't want my kids feeling the same.

Do what you want but the reasons you are giving are external to the school.

I mean, you've chosen to send your child to an all girls prep school, what did you expect the other parents to be like? Salt of the earth types from council estates?

I think you've answered your own question. I'd be similar. Its good to have families from a mix of backgrounds, and I'd have no issue with lots of SAHM if there was more of a culture of volunteering with reading, or the PTA or helping the church toddler group or foodbank etc.
I also wouldn't want my children to be around families who are particularly into skiing or horse-riding. These are particularly dangerous hobbies, and life is dangerous enough.

Don't hesitate. Let your daughter experience a real school - and that means one with both genders in it! The real world won't be segregated unless she becomes a nun.

Move her. That culture sounds tedious.

We were the ‘poorest’ (nobody was poor ofc) at my kids’ coed private secondary. But my kids found nice friends with nice parents who were grounded and not bling-y. Yes they had better houses, cars, holidays etc. but the kids didn’t care and neither did the mums.

My girl did fine in coed and found passions and interests, good friends and is not studying stem at Oxbridge. No regrets at all. And my kids still chat about their schooldays together and mutual friends. It’s lovely having them together at school if poss.

I disagree. I think it’s clear the OP has different values and a different income. What’s the point in trying to compete with this