To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

[Erolly]

This might read a little controversial and this isn’t an attack on these families but more just a misalignment in priorities.
My DD is 4 she’s just started reception at an all girls prep, we really loved the school prior to her starting, solid leavers destinations without feeling too pushy, nice mixed curriculum etc.
My DS is at a co-ed he’s 7, we decided not to send DD to the same school as we actually thought the all girls was a better fit for DD.
Now we are a half term in and I’m really struggling with the culture at the school compared to DS’s. I’m going to generalise and of course not all of the families are like this or have all these traits but it’s just what I’ve noticed more generally.

1. Lots of SAHMs, all doing the school run in their alo or lululemon sets and rushing off for Pilates. I work full time, I have nothing in common with them and I’ve found them quite unwelcoming.
2. These little girls seem to do so many hobby’s, they are only 4 and every mum I’ve spoken to has told me how their child does Gymnastics and Ballet or Ballet and Tennis or stagecoach and horse riding etc. It reads as a little pushy to me and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to keep up with DD but we just don’t have the time.
3. The competitive birthday parties! Just in term one alone I’ve been to a party which had a 3 tier cake that probably cost more than my wedding cake, performers, someone doing face painting and someone else doing glitter tattoos. Another with massive balloon arches, all these custom cupcakes etc. I just know if this is what DD expects we won’t be able to keep up.
4. I think the parents must just have more access to money than at my DSs school, I constantly hear mums talking about 2 weeks in Mustique in April or whether Chamonix or Verbier are better for skiing etc. Again we just can’t keep up with this and I don’t want DD feeling like she is always less than her classmates.

Today I enquired at DSs school and they do actually have a place available in reception as they believe due to the VAT less parents took up places than normal in reception. I’m genuinely considering moving DD to join her brother. It would be practically easier and I just don’t know how much more of these mums I can take.

DH doesn’t mind either way but does worry that we’d be moving DD from somewhere she’s happy.

AIBU?

I would switch her. She may be happy but she's 4 and has only been there a couple of months; she will barely remember this time in a few years. And it's not as if you're jumping blind into the other school; you know it, and know you like it. Seven / nine years is a long time to have regrets!

FWIW I think mixed is better for small kids and I also am in favour of siblings having the shared link of a common school (unless there a firm reason why not).

If your child would be happy in either school I would go with what makes you feel comfortable. I find it intimidating to be around posh and rich people and it makes me feel less grateful for what I have, we all have a lot and when we compare ourselves it does absolutely nothing for our mental health, which in the long term means it will do nothing for your daughters mental health either.

If you are not happy at this stage, I’d move her. Much easier now than later. As others have said, also good to have siblings at same school if possible.

I think you will resent it otherwise, and it is a long time to feel like that!

You already know you like DS’s school. Just think about why you didn’t want to send her there in the first place and if those things are really big.

My DC are in private school, I am always in Pilates gear as I work from home so I’m around a lot. I’m very senior earning earning high six figures, we also have lots of lovely holidays but I’m also a single parent and live in a regular terrace house. So it doesn’t fit the narrative you’ve imagined that I stay at home and do nothing and live in a mansion.

But I would move her now if you feel like you should, it’s not a big deal at that age.

This doesn’t sound like a school problem. Or your daughter having an issue. That said though, there is usually value to both children in same school. No clashes for events, one drop off. Sibling support etc. I agree if you’re going to do it, do it asap. Just be clear the reasons for having her there in first place are no longer valid or you’re depriving her of an opportunity because of you.

Oh no! Not SAHMs! 😱
Sounds to me like your attitude is slightly the problem, OP, insisting you have nothing in common with people you've barely spoken to because you "work full time" as if that makes you superior. I'm a SAHM and, shockingly, still have a working brain, a personality and am occasionally capable of intelligent conversation.

Totally with @Olivetawny on this one. How can you know you have “nothing in common” with people with whom you’ve barely had a conversation? They’ve made different choices from you - could be that they’re completely different people, or, alternatively, they simply have a lot more money and can easily afford for one of them not to work.

What happens when you don’t like the parents in her class at the other school? Just because you don’t have the same with DS doesn’t mean anything. I have little time for parents in DD’s year but DS’a was completely different.

It doesn’t matter much whether it’s for you or her at age four if where she’ll go will be just as nice for her.

Those parents will pass whatever values you don’t agree with onto their kids. Plus it’s so nice to make friends with other parents who have children the same age for hanging out in the holidays etc. So I’d leave, tbh.

Sending your kids to private 'prep' schools than complaining the parents are posh..... Wtaf

You are right to change her school before she gets to deeply ingrained into the 'posh set'. Do you really want all this money stuff to rub off on your poor child and turn her into a princess? I would put her at your son's school which sounds down to earth. You want the school to turn out a rounded individual who can hit the world running, not some self entitled posho!

Leaving the moneybit aside...

The first couple of years at school friendships are massively shaped by the parents (often the mums) friendships. If one mum doesn't quite fit in, the child can be unintentionally left out.

So honestly as a family you think you will all be happier at your sons school, I would see about moving.

However, surely you are committed to fees at the current school until at least Easter?

No one will miss you op
In fact… there might well be a collective sigh of a relief and a class celebration

These wouldn't be good reasons to move an older child who was happy and settled, but at this age she will adapt quickly. Do it now.

Have you sent your daughter to a private school and your son to a state? It sounds like it. Not sure what you expected, they will never be the same?

My DC both went to a Primary school like that, where I was the only Mum in the class with a full-time career.
I’m still friends with a large group of the mums from that school, 30 years on! Yes, most of them had the lifestyle you describe, jetting off to the Caribbean and spending their days at the gym while their DC were at school, getting entertainers and caterers in for parties Etc. at their huge houses.
They all envied the fact that I would, on top of holding down a job, bake the Birthday cakes, devise the games for parties both at home and in the school hall or the very occasional event, and take the DC camping for our holidays, as they weren’t confident enough to do it themselves.
My DC learned that even though we didn’t have the money and lifestyle of their peers, they weren’t really missing out, and by the time they all went to Secondary schools, it all levelled out, but my DC were always much more able to fit in with everyone, regardless of their status.
That start though! The amazing confidence, poise and kindness of my DC has always got them far, and they still count kids they were friends with at 5 among their current friends.

My brother is a second hand van dealer and he educated all his children at fee paying schools. One now fits windows, one maintains the vans and one sells them. Not everyone involved in fee paying education is the same!

I would move her to the same school as your DS as soon as possible especially if they have a space for her.

Just be aware you have to pay a term in advance for private schools, so you do need to be clear asap to the school and confirm her place at the state school.

Kindly OP, you’ve not listed one reason why you would remove you daughter. You have listed reasons for not liking the school and the people, for you, but not for your daughter. You haven’t said if it’s a good school, if it has a good reputation, if it produces well rounded confident human beings who can function in the real world…. god forbid people would live different lives to you! If you don’t like it, move, but you will get this at every school and it doesn’t make it a bad school.

OP mentioned VAT at the second school so they are both private.

I doubt they are all like that! Presumably you equally won’t coincide with other mummies who work. Is the class very small? If you are happier with the culture of the coed and already have friends there it seems an odd choice to go for another school for dd.

If they are both private why didn't you send dd to the same school if you like it? Did you see their results and clock girls do better in single sex schools at STEM or something?

Really odd and makes extra work for yourself.

Sorry I didn't mean to add your quote LIZ but it won't let me remove it now!

I honestly don’t understand why the parent’s outfit choice or perceived economic inactivity is factoring into your choice. Your insecurity is going to do more harm than the presence of an Alo baseball cap.

I got verbally abused on the school run this week because told someone to not smoke over my pram.

that’s school run problems

Give me some Pilates mums please

😂😂😂

My daughter is at a co-ed that sounds a lot like your daughter's school. We haven't moved her because she's settled and we weren't sure where to go instead but I totally understand where you're coming from.

Some PPs have said because the mums are like this, there's no reason why the girls can't be perfectly nice. This is absolute nonsense. It's a case of monkey see, monkey do. The kids at DD's school, as they get older, turn into miniature versions of their parents, obsessed with money, cars, holidays.... I've known of kids in YEAR 2 bullying others because their parents don't drive luxury SUVs.

It also impacts on friendship possibilities. The SAHMs will eventually start clubbing together, so playdates and even overseas holidays together will follow and your daughter won't be part of that.

If you have an alternative, please seriously consider it because things will only get worse.

No, but a very large number will have access to the money that provides all the things the OP complained about. There aren't a lot of checkout workers sending two kids private!