To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

[Erolly]

This might read a little controversial and this isn’t an attack on these families but more just a misalignment in priorities.
My DD is 4 she’s just started reception at an all girls prep, we really loved the school prior to her starting, solid leavers destinations without feeling too pushy, nice mixed curriculum etc.
My DS is at a co-ed he’s 7, we decided not to send DD to the same school as we actually thought the all girls was a better fit for DD.
Now we are a half term in and I’m really struggling with the culture at the school compared to DS’s. I’m going to generalise and of course not all of the families are like this or have all these traits but it’s just what I’ve noticed more generally.

1. Lots of SAHMs, all doing the school run in their alo or lululemon sets and rushing off for Pilates. I work full time, I have nothing in common with them and I’ve found them quite unwelcoming.
2. These little girls seem to do so many hobby’s, they are only 4 and every mum I’ve spoken to has told me how their child does Gymnastics and Ballet or Ballet and Tennis or stagecoach and horse riding etc. It reads as a little pushy to me and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to keep up with DD but we just don’t have the time.
3. The competitive birthday parties! Just in term one alone I’ve been to a party which had a 3 tier cake that probably cost more than my wedding cake, performers, someone doing face painting and someone else doing glitter tattoos. Another with massive balloon arches, all these custom cupcakes etc. I just know if this is what DD expects we won’t be able to keep up.
4. I think the parents must just have more access to money than at my DSs school, I constantly hear mums talking about 2 weeks in Mustique in April or whether Chamonix or Verbier are better for skiing etc. Again we just can’t keep up with this and I don’t want DD feeling like she is always less than her classmates.

Today I enquired at DSs school and they do actually have a place available in reception as they believe due to the VAT less parents took up places than normal in reception. I’m genuinely considering moving DD to join her brother. It would be practically easier and I just don’t know how much more of these mums I can take.

DH doesn’t mind either way but does worry that we’d be moving DD from somewhere she’s happy.

AIBU?

One thing I quickly learnt @Erolly is that different classes and parent cohorts within schools differ. The Y1 mums might be lovely, whilst the Y3 mums are a hive of bitchy Queen Bees. I wouldn't judge a whole school on the basis of one clas or year group. However, the mothers, or a certain clique at DS's primary, were toxic albeit not in a monied way, and as the apple rarely falls far from the tree, a group of alpha boys became increasingly unpleasant. We moved DS aged 8 because of it. DD's cohort, however was far nicer and more genuine.

Move her. It will be more convenient for you and better at 4 than at 8. What you can't do is keep moving her whenever there are people you and she don't like. It's a one off.

I’d move her, as she grows up girls can be mean and spiteful and if the majority of them are genuinely doing all those things and she is unable to she’ll stick out like a sore thumb.
My cousin got a partial scholarship to a private school, he was never able to keep up doing the same hobby’s as his friends, his house was much much smaller, car was old etc Now he’s grown he says he wishes his parents had sent him to the same school as his siblings because growing up he had felt like he never really fitted in anywhere.
Its ok to change your mind, children move schools all the time and at 4 she’ll not even remember the move in a few years time.

@RhaenysRocks

OP, my kids are definitely at the poorer end of the wealth scale at their school but they've never been bullied for it

But the OP hasn’t said she’s being bullied? Only that she (OP) feels a bit insecure about these women because they are obviously richer than her.

Bullying obviously you would move for but I think this isn’t about that: its about the OP’s preconceptions about the women.

I’m a Pilates wanker myself. with kids in a private school. Half these Pilates mums are working too you know, just from home or running their own consultancies…..hence they can wear what they like.

I wouldn’t entertain using my kids in separate primary schools if it were avoidable. I’d move on that reason, not because you’re uncomfortable socially.

I think I’d move her. There’s often a real school community around meeting at ballet and swimming and acro, and if they all do after school times you can’t do, then they get left out. I should warn you after years of doing the weekend things once they get a bit more serious you simply have to do the training slot given and flex work.. somehow. Which is where I’m at now.

This seems to be all about the mums and very judgmental. Out of your list I’m a SAHM, I go to the gym after school drop off, my child does two out of school activities and we have a pony, I love organising her party every year and making balloon arches! The only thing we don’t do is the holidays as my child is significantly autistic and we are very much not at a stage where they would cope with airport or travel. There’s a mix of different parent lifestyles at my child’s school and everyone is kind, friendly and gets on great. The mums you are judging are likely to be perfectly nice.

My children went to a primary similar to this. Small, rural school, massive range rovers, sahm. The parents were nice and there was a good community feel. What I didn’t like was how the school changed for these masses. Charity days were not a £1 donation, but minimum of £3 up to £100 on parent pay. No transport to sporting events, parents to pick up and transport every time as they knew parents were around. Sounds small but it was constant! As a working parent I was unable to attend a lot as it was crazy the amount they asked for and expected. So be cautious of what the school expects due to the children that go

They’re just different to you. If the whole place makes you feel like a spare, I’d move at this age.

OP I do think that you should move your child and sooner rather than later as you clearly aren't happy with the setup.

However I think you need to shift your outlook about the other parents. My advice would be to go to that school telling yourself you're not going to be intimidated and are going to be equaĺly friendly and open to all parents whether they're in pilates leggings, snappy suit or mcdonalds uniform. It's tricky if you feel like there's cliques and judgement but it starts with you. If you refuse to be governed by it then you will find at least a few likeminded parents. My dd has friends who's parents are well off, live in nice houses and will probably never have to work a day in their lives. She has others who's parents sleep in the living room whilst siblings sleep in their one bedroom. As long as their child isn't a dick my dd couldn't care less and neither could I. Similarly I've almost fallen into the trap of assuming that more glamorous, well presented mums will look down on me because I don't usually make much effort with makeup etc. They've then turned out to be the nicest and most friendly mums. I'd advise as well not to burn your bridges with any parents. Kids will choose who to play with whatever you do and they're fickle!

Lead by example and befriend without prejudice and your kids might do the same. It isn't really about you afterall it's about them.

I was one of the "poorer" (but not actually poor at all, obviously) kids in a private school and don't think it did me any harm - whoever and wherever you are, there are going to be people better off and people worse off and that's life. It doesn't do kids any harm to learn that, or to learn to be grateful for what they have. And I was always proud that my mum was one of the few that worked - by the time I was about six I'd made up my mind that most of the other mums were lazy and lived entirely pointless lives. I've had a horror of not supporting myself ever since. Although I suppose it could go the other way - DD thinks "lots of women just find a man to pay their bills, why not me?".

Honestly, it feels as though most of your reasons are based on your own feelings. But if you want to move her I’d do it now so she’s able to adapt easy and get settled in a new school.

I also went to an all girls school (state )

I wouldn’t want a daughter of mine to attend one - regardless of the academic performance !

im surprised that not all private schools have the parents that you describe of DD’s school
Make your decisions on her happinesses / wishes
If you are a working parent , surely you will minimise your contact with the parents anyway ?

What were the reasons you chose the school other than it being a 'better fit'? Surely when you looked around you would have noticed the culture of the school, so I think it isn't about the school itself and more about you comparing yourself to the other parents.
Surely it was massively inconvenient to put her in a different school to DS - two school drops requiring both parents to do one I assume or to use breakfast club for one child (assuming you aren't using this for both).
I think you need to take the parents out the equation and think about what the school itself offered and whether those benefits still exist.

Sure this is a huge financial decision with big impacts on your cash flow for the next few months?

If you can afford to move without notice and pay double fees then you're a few ski trips up on the likes of myself already.

I think to an extent you have to accept that there will be different groups whatever school you go to.

My dc have always been to state schools but there are plenty of mum groups and parties I don't feel align with my circumstances and varies etc. It's just life isn't it?

If you're really fussed about finances just move to state.

You sound a little intimidated by the parents, particularly the mums at your daughter's school - I can't quite understand how a mums choice of leggings is significant enough to influence a change your daughter's school. Your reasoning is quite bizarre.

I don't feel the stories sound believable at all, and OP is either exaggerating for effect or she heard one outlier and extrapolated it onto "all other parents". For example, she used Verbier, Chamonix and Mustique are holiday examples which are high profile locations repeatedly mentioned in the media because the Royal Family go there. I highly doubt there are huge numbers of wealthy families who coincidentally only go to the exact same 3 locations as Kate & Will. Even if the other mums were discussing ski resorts, they were probably talking about places in Switzerland or Austria, alongside France.

Statistically, it's also impossible for every single student in a private school to be in the tax bracket of skiing vacations in winter and tropical vacations in summer. Many families in private schools don't have that much money but prioritise spending on education. Even the ultra wealthy ones have different lifestyle choices that don't involve holidays at the exact same places as British white aristocracy.

Just based on that, OP sounds like the sort to hyperbolically lie about stories to make things more dramatic or to strengthen her own case. She sounds extremely judgemental and probably exudes that same aura which is why the other mums don't feel welcoming. It might be a surprise, but wealthy people can easily sense "reverse class snobbery" from a mile off and they have zero incentive to actively befriend someone like that. The anecdotes above read like someone using the Daily Mail as the only source of research on how to profile an unpleasant rich person.

It sounds like you have an inferiority complex and feel resentful that you don't fit in. But really, what are you expecting people with more money than you to be doing? Of course they will wear lycra and have more expensive hobbies for their children. The important thing is whether your daughter is happy and making good progress.

Also, at age 4, you should be considering hobbies for your child, like swimming or rainbows. It's not an outlandish thing to have kids doing hobby activities.

I would move if only for the convenience of having kids at same school. I think all girls are great for secondary, but nice for them to be around boys too at this age.

Plus it sounds like you will have a bit of a chip on your shoulder for the entire time she’s there so you might as well just take her out asap

My kids go to state school but I have several friends whose children go private. I'm surprised at those saying the parents must be pretty much the same wherever, it's just the people you've bumped into.

Private schools do have very different 'parent cultures'. Of course there will always be outliers but it's the prevailing group which sets the tone. My friend moved her daughter from an all girls (to state school) as she disliked the parents so much. She's actually a lovely person! Her older kids had gone all the way at private school (different school) and she'd never had an issue with the parents.

I'll be honest I don't know anything much about prep-schools but I'd imagine what you are experiencing is likely quite common in some of them. I can absolutely understand why you are considering moving your daughter. School isn't just about the academics, it's also about the social side. In my experience of working in state schools (Primary) for many years, girls especially, can sometimes be bitchy and nasty the older they become. Of course that kind of behaviour can happen in any school regardless if all girls, mixed, private or state. Your daughter is already going to be starting out at a 'disadvantage' in the family status/wealth compared to a lot of the other parents. You know you aren't going to be able to keep up with your daughter's desire, especially as she becomes older, to 'fit in'. You can't provide what the other families can for their children. It makes no difference, really but sadly it might make it more difficult for her to be 'accepted socially' by her peers. At 4, your daughter will likely be happy whatever school she attends, she has no idea about wealth or status, and at this age, it's unlikely she'll experience being pushed out of friendship groups due to it. It's as she becomes older, that there's a possibility of that happening. It would be better to move her now, than wait until she's older, if that's the route you want to take.

I'd move her. She'll just become more aware of her peers and what their lives are like as she gets older. Plus she'll get firmer and firmer friendships that means the comparisons are more obvious and moving is harder.

Move her asap @Erolly . You don't live in the same world as these people and your DD will be considered as the poor outcast for not having a pony.

I think you are the one being a bit judgy and have a bit of inverse snobbery going on. In 6 weeks, you can’t have had that many parties or opportunities to speak to the other parents. you need to choose the school that is right for your daughter- there is every chance you will come across exactly the same parents if you move her. Maybe your son’s year was quite chilled and just had a slightly different vibe but I don’t think anything you’ve said is that unusual and in reception both of mine were in a state primary.

• SAHMs heading to the gym: will find in lots of schools. You will also find lots of part time parents who head to the gym on their non working days.
• hobbies: at 4 both of mine did gymnastics, ballet tennis and swimming. Nothing unusual about activities and remember mine were at a state school not a prep.
• birthday parties: parties are big for the kids. I’ve been to every type and there is nothing that unusual about a face painter or glitter tattoo etc. a 3 tier cake would be unusual but most parties I’ve been to have had a lovely cake- either home made or from a baker. Big parties tend to drop off by year 2 so it isn’t forever.
• holidays: I’m honestly shocked you’re not finding the same at your son’s prep. Most people don’t tend to start in the private system at 4 and the ones that do are likely to have a lot of money. That shouldn’t be a surprise. Again in my state primary people are going on nice holidays.

I would leave - unless you think you can steer your DD towards the less materialistic classmates.

But I would hate this culture and it would not be how I would choose to raise my DD

To be honest she’s happy why move her?
you don’t need to be friends with the other mums. With my first I got involved with all this rubbish and it caused me no end of hassle worrying about other school mums. My second child I didn’t talk to anyone just did the school run and it was brilliant

Why did you pick it for your DD all the reasons you give for leaving can’t have made up the thought process for sending her there in the first place because the easiest and obvious choice was to send her ti the same place that your DS is at

but you didn’t - you chose it because something was a better fit for your DD what was is