To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

[Erolly]

This might read a little controversial and this isn’t an attack on these families but more just a misalignment in priorities.
My DD is 4 she’s just started reception at an all girls prep, we really loved the school prior to her starting, solid leavers destinations without feeling too pushy, nice mixed curriculum etc.
My DS is at a co-ed he’s 7, we decided not to send DD to the same school as we actually thought the all girls was a better fit for DD.
Now we are a half term in and I’m really struggling with the culture at the school compared to DS’s. I’m going to generalise and of course not all of the families are like this or have all these traits but it’s just what I’ve noticed more generally.

1. Lots of SAHMs, all doing the school run in their alo or lululemon sets and rushing off for Pilates. I work full time, I have nothing in common with them and I’ve found them quite unwelcoming.
2. These little girls seem to do so many hobby’s, they are only 4 and every mum I’ve spoken to has told me how their child does Gymnastics and Ballet or Ballet and Tennis or stagecoach and horse riding etc. It reads as a little pushy to me and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to keep up with DD but we just don’t have the time.
3. The competitive birthday parties! Just in term one alone I’ve been to a party which had a 3 tier cake that probably cost more than my wedding cake, performers, someone doing face painting and someone else doing glitter tattoos. Another with massive balloon arches, all these custom cupcakes etc. I just know if this is what DD expects we won’t be able to keep up.
4. I think the parents must just have more access to money than at my DSs school, I constantly hear mums talking about 2 weeks in Mustique in April or whether Chamonix or Verbier are better for skiing etc. Again we just can’t keep up with this and I don’t want DD feeling like she is always less than her classmates.

Today I enquired at DSs school and they do actually have a place available in reception as they believe due to the VAT less parents took up places than normal in reception. I’m genuinely considering moving DD to join her brother. It would be practically easier and I just don’t know how much more of these mums I can take.

DH doesn’t mind either way but does worry that we’d be moving DD from somewhere she’s happy.

AIBU?

Go with your gut. She’s only 4 now but as she gets older she’ll be more aware of differences and so will her peers. I would struggle with those kinds of parents too.

My kids have a nice life but I couldn’t stand for them to see that all the time and think it’s normal. They’ve turned parties into a competitive sport and they do it with everything. It’s suffocating and I get why you want to leave.

If you don't love the social dynamics and think it will be more competitive and wealthy as she goes on? Switch her. It's much better to do it now than to get to year 3 and discover that the financial pressures have ratcheted up and now DD is old enough to notice.

I would make the move now, much simpler and early enough not to impact on her too much.

Oh dont be ridiculous she is 4 years old!!!

OP yes, Ive often wondered about this discord with just about perhaps being able to afford a private/prep school but then everyone else there being much more well off and how it affects the child and you as a parent how you can interact with the other parents and families.

If the fit isnt there she'll be left out on a limb and so will you

I would change schools

I would frame it that she is so lucky to be able to go with her brother. I have always preferred mixed schools for my children as I think it gives them a much more balanced view of things.
You said you picked this school as it suited DD better...has anything changed, apart from your dislike of the parents?
The difference in wealth would bother me more. I was the child whoes parents couldn't afford the lifestyle of my peers. As a child it is hard to understand why!

this feels like an episode of motherland

At that age I'd go for a mixed school. A much healthier, more natural environment.

Independent schools definitely vary on how 'flash' they are. It would appear that it has nothing to do with how much they cost either. My DS goes to a 60k/pa school (not paid for by us!) where flashing cash is deeply uncool- to the point where DS will not buy brand new clothes as everything you own has to be shabby. I'm just a primary state school teacher but I never feel out of place amongst the parents, who presumably for the most part must be very wealthy.

I would move her. Co-ed is fine for prep. Consider all girls for secondary.

Funny, I said exactly the opposite on another thread recently, but in this case given a better alternative I’d move her. Only once though. I do know one person who I think ended up chasing the ‘perfect’ school, which doesn’t exist.

I think that the problem here is that you don’t feel you fit, rather than DD. However, if you’ve taken against the group so badly at this stage, it bodes badly for the future.

Also, you may find you only meet the lululemon mums because the rest of the mums are at work/drop off early/using childminders.

It’s a shame for your DD if the school actually suits her and is a good school, but kids move often and she will settle at her new school.

I voted YABU because everything you describe is about the parents, it's not the culture of the school.
At some point you have to make a choice, that school could offer better opportunities for your daughter. That's why you chose it. If the school itself pushes values that you're not aligned to, I think that's different.

That said, it's a valid choice to prioritise your daughter's social wellbeing (not yours!) if you think she won't fit in her current school.

If you are thinking along the lines of moving her, do it sooner rather than later.

‘’The reasons you have outlined seem very sensible to me. Your daughter is 4, the sooner the better.

OP, you're her parent.

You don't like the culture within the school.

Your husband doesn't feel strongly either way so would, presumably, be supportive of your preference to move her.

There is a place at your son's school and it would be convenient.

I'm not even sure why you need to garner opinions on this. Surely you can make a decision based on what you think is best for your daughter without the input of strangers?

FWIW, I'm a teacher (albeit in a state primary). Any parent and teacher will tell you that there is a 'culture' within all schools. I've chosen not to apply for jobs or accepted job offers in particular schools because I didn't like.the culture of the school and knew the school and I wouldn't be a good fit for each other.

And it's fine to think some people aren't my sort of people. Regardless of what some strangers on MN might tell you.

@NextOneb

Your whole post reads as an inferiority complex and like they are showing up your lack of means to give your kids the same life experiences. Yes, I can guarantee that some of the parents you mention are keeping up with the Joneses and merely portraying a lifestyle - but ultimately a 3 tier kid’s party cake is a fairly harmless thing and quite silly to change schools over. Your own child has been invited and included and seems fine at her school. You’re not going to be able to shield her from people with more wealth forever - she will realise the disparity in her upbringing, even if you change her schools.

I completely agree with this.

My DD is at private (secondary) school. I know I'm in the "poorest bracket" of parents at the school. I don't feel "inferior" to other parents because my house is smaller and I have to work FT. Why on earth should I? I'm a single parent and I've worked my arse into the ground to get to a position where I'm reasonably comfortable. Why should I feel looked down on by people for this?

People are very quick to say "ooh no you'll never be able to keep up, people will judge you, you'll never fit in". Actually if you turned this around and talked like this about kids at state schools in deprived areas people would say you were a massive snob. It's a pure mindset issue: its the idea that you need to "stay in your lane".

Teaching a kid to punch up and not be intimidated by people who are wealthier or more privileged is quite a good life lesson, I think.

That's not to say she should stay if she doesn't like it. Ultimately its about her building friendships and social skills at this age more than anything. If the school isn't working, change it.

But it does sound like it has more to do with you having a bit of a chip on the shoulder about private school mums. I wouldn't take her out purely on the basis that you feel socially intimidated by some of the mums' yoga wardrobes. It sounds a bit self-destructive.

Are you OK with doubling up fees for a term, as you will likely have to pay for next term at your existing school?

I think it is fine to move.

Move her.

a school needs to be a welcoming community and this one isn’t. So better to move sooner.

The fact that she is at an all girls prep school would be enough reason to move her .
In fact, I am no longer a fan of all girls secondary schools , despite the fact that I attended one as did my two dds
I think it is so important that they get used to mixing with the opposite sex
For practical reasons I would have thought that it was better to have your dcs at the same school

Op, you should have done your due diligence before enrolling your dd at the school.
School is not just about academics as others have pointed out.

Op, you do appear to be intimidated by these people as another poster pointed out.
It may not have been your intention but you appear to be a bit judgemental . You assume that the mothers are SAHMs which I think is a bit strange at a time when many people work from home , running businesses or simply have a job where they have a flexible arrangement .

Don't be disingenuous..you know exactly the point she is making. The child is 4 and has been in that school for half a term, pulling her out now will do no harm and as the OP very sensibly pointed out, what she wants at this point, is a bit irrelevant since she is not capable of making a decision like this.
OP, my kids are definitely at the poorer end of the wealth scale at their school but they've never been bullied for it. When they were younger they'd sometimes be envious of others' holidays or tech or whatever but nothing much. I'd put her with her brother personally but for positive reasons /advantages of doing so rather than yo get away from something.

If your daughter is happy please leave her where she is. It is well researched that girls do better in an all-girls school. My daughters went through the private system with some VERY wealthy girls. They weren’t there for me to make friends; they were there for a high-quality education with lots of opportunities. Children do love extra-curricular activities but I found that many can be done in school. My girls found their tribe and I did actually find mine. It’s not about what’s right for you; it’s about her long-term needs.

It's a no brainer for me. She's only 4, I'd move her. It'll make your life simpler. Plus I'd see the current situation as treating them differently- one at a co-ed and one at a single sex school. I'm anti single sex schools anyway - I went to one from 11 to 16 and think it's really unnatural.

This. But do it quickly.

My DD went all girls for secondary (Private) and mixed for Primary. It’s the. That it really makes a massive difference. So if you want to switch it’s ok.

I think you are being a bit judgmental about the hobbies, but I do get it. I am a lone parent (15 years) in a full time heavy career and have never had a lot in common on the school run….BUT when she went to secondary most of the mums were working, lawyers, nurses, Drs etc so honestly it really does depend!

Didn’t these concerns occur to you before you sent her?

Not the SAHMs (BTW, you’ll find them everywhere, as you should), but the parties and holidays being out of reach??

Move her!

Your DDs school sounds like my DS’s school and unfortunately the culture does seep into the kids as they get older. We’ve not moved him because he’s happy and he leaves in 2 years anyway but the toxic culture isn’t great- party invites are done on who the mums like not the kids etc.

This - and without generalising, you’ll also find that if the conversations you’re listening to are all SAHMs of school aged children, they just have an awful lot of time on their hands. Things that would be a minor distraction to someone working full time become a huge deal worth hours of conversation - broadly because these are their only topics of conversation.

Plenty in your son’s school will also be jetting off to expensive destinations (and some won’t, that’s the nature of private education - a breeze for some, a stretch for others), they’re just not standing around the school gates chattering about it, because they have places to get to. Also - you’ll not hear the people who can’t afford these holidays because they’ll be doing the same as you - keeping quiet about it.

All that said though, we did all girls for years Pre-year 2 and I did find the culture very different. Similar to how you describe (but less yoga attending). Lots of SAHMs or part time mums, lots of school gate gossip, lots of enforced group socialising outside of school. It was a lot. Since we moved our daughter, it’s been what I would call normal again. We didn’t move her because of this though, she was just always moving on to a school that started from year 3.