To change DDs school as I don’t like the culture at her current school

[Erolly]

This might read a little controversial and this isn’t an attack on these families but more just a misalignment in priorities.
My DD is 4 she’s just started reception at an all girls prep, we really loved the school prior to her starting, solid leavers destinations without feeling too pushy, nice mixed curriculum etc.
My DS is at a co-ed he’s 7, we decided not to send DD to the same school as we actually thought the all girls was a better fit for DD.
Now we are a half term in and I’m really struggling with the culture at the school compared to DS’s. I’m going to generalise and of course not all of the families are like this or have all these traits but it’s just what I’ve noticed more generally.

1. Lots of SAHMs, all doing the school run in their alo or lululemon sets and rushing off for Pilates. I work full time, I have nothing in common with them and I’ve found them quite unwelcoming.
2. These little girls seem to do so many hobby’s, they are only 4 and every mum I’ve spoken to has told me how their child does Gymnastics and Ballet or Ballet and Tennis or stagecoach and horse riding etc. It reads as a little pushy to me and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to keep up with DD but we just don’t have the time.
3. The competitive birthday parties! Just in term one alone I’ve been to a party which had a 3 tier cake that probably cost more than my wedding cake, performers, someone doing face painting and someone else doing glitter tattoos. Another with massive balloon arches, all these custom cupcakes etc. I just know if this is what DD expects we won’t be able to keep up.
4. I think the parents must just have more access to money than at my DSs school, I constantly hear mums talking about 2 weeks in Mustique in April or whether Chamonix or Verbier are better for skiing etc. Again we just can’t keep up with this and I don’t want DD feeling like she is always less than her classmates.

Today I enquired at DSs school and they do actually have a place available in reception as they believe due to the VAT less parents took up places than normal in reception. I’m genuinely considering moving DD to join her brother. It would be practically easier and I just don’t know how much more of these mums I can take.

DH doesn’t mind either way but does worry that we’d be moving DD from somewhere she’s happy.

AIBU?

I think it’s clear the OP has different values and a different income.

Different income, maybe. But different values? Really? Because she’s overhead some people talking about where they’d like to go skiing? I have a friend I met in similar circumstances, she and her family love to go skiing and she might well have that conversation with someone else who shares that interest. So what? You can say nothing about her “values” because you’ve overheard that - all you can tell is that they’re keen skiers (and yes, I suppose, that they’re pretty affluent). She’s a lovely woman and one of the least judgmental people I know - which is rather different from the OP who has leapt to conclusions about people on the basis of the most casual of overhead interactions.

I think it can be difficult for DC to be around other DC who appear more privileged, especially if they are a minority. If you can't or on principle don't want your DD to have a similar lifestyle then I think it would be easier for her to make friends with DC with like minded parents.

Move school.

I don’t agree - I find families that spend on things like massive birthday balloon arches, 3 tier birthday cakes for 5 year olds etc, do have different values to me.

I love to mark birthdays but I find this extreme excess distasteful and we have totally different values to anyone i know who lives their lives in this way.

@Thepeopleversuswork not liking the culture of a school or workplace is fine to me. I don't think that's the same as labelling people snobs.

Assuming these are the "wrong kind of people" purely because they have more visible markers of wealth is as bad as doing it because they appear poorer. It's pretty crude reverse snobbery.

I don't think the OP has assumed they are wrong'uns. She doesn't feel like she fits in with them which ok.

My dc are at a London primary where lots of the parents target grammar. Some of the parents are obsessed & their dc have ridiculous regimes. I don't dislike them but equally I'm not going to have a load in common.

I think kids aren’t just influenced by their parents, but by peers and the culture they’re surrounded with in general. So it’s not just about OP not liking the other mums or culture, it’s that it doesn’t align with their core values as parents and how they want to raise their daughter.

OP, I’d move her, no questions asked.

I'm sure they are perfectly pleasant but it sounds quite culturally lacking.
Also, while I enjoy a bit of sparkle and fairytale as much as the next woman, if not more, I would be wary of a having a daughter growing up thinking that a lifestyle of lavish parties, ponies, pilates and skiing is the norm!

This sort of thing happens everywhere tbh, state or private, north or south, it’s not unique.

I’ve been to some wild birthday parties- massive tiered cakes like a sweet sixteen, all for 4 year olds 🙄

And yes there are always a few kids who get marked out for not having the “right” trainers or bag or Stanley tumbler or whatever. In schools where parents ignore the uniform policy it just doesn’t work as an equaliser because people will just ignore it anyway and turns into a fashion parade

And yep, loads of fancy cars on the school run.

My kids are in state school for now because it’s fantastic , not an affluent area at all. Along with a bit of showiness there’s also plenty of neglect (which doesn’t meet the threshold for any support) and absolutely shocking parenting which imo is a much bigger issue than who’s wearing Lululemon.

If the big problem is “I don’t like the yoga mums and their big parties” then you do need get a grip. If you have given off these vibes, no wonder they aren’t welcoming.

Maybe your son’s school just isn’t your crowd. You might prefer somewhere with fewer of those visible status things that make you feel a bit out of place, but then someone else would probably feel like the odd one out there too.

Tbh a lot of this just sounds like reverse snobbery. People wanting their kids around the “right kind” of middle class families- showy, but in the acceptable way.

That fantasy school where everyone drives a 2012 Golf estate and feels guilty about their privilege… doesn’t exist.

is your daughter happy?

Go from there.

Surely one of the benefits of paying for private education is that you can pick and choose a school that gels with your own ethos. If in general you don't like the outlook of the other parents at this school, absolutely move to a different one.

How on earth do you know how much the parties cost?? I did a huge balloon arch for my child’s birthday which was about £20 on Amazon for the kit, we’ve had the most amazing themed cakes… made by my mother in law. Other things like play equipment, bouncy castle, invites I’ve not scrimped on. I love organising my child’s party every year, people are allowed to enjoy celebrating birthdays however they like. We love attending the parties of classmates, I would never think omg theirs is better than ours, it’s for the children. It’s absurd to think that throwing your child a brilliant birthday party would make someone believe your values in life are worse than theirs.

I'd move her. But be very careful about giving the correct notice or you will be liable for fees in lieu.

Pilates is pretty normal I’d say!

If the other school will suit the family better then of course move her- if you think she’ll get on with the school better as that’s the most important thing.

If you think the school will have better options for your daughter and she’ll have a better time then I’d keep her. I understand what you mean about the parties but think it’s harsh to make school judgments on on the Pilates mums, why are you even looking at what brand they’re wearing- why do you care? Of course there will be some SAHP if you send your children private.

I work in a private primary school. I have the children of billionaires and people living in small apartments, putting every penny into their child's education in my class. The children don't focus on the financial background differences, they just get on with their peers. They aren't intimated by wealth. They'll be more challenged by what matters in the classroom context; who gets the main part in the play/ who is the best basketball player/ who does best in tests.

Tbh a lot of this just sounds like reverse snobbery. People wanting their kids around the “right kind” of middle class families- showy, but in the acceptable way.

Exactly this. Why don't all these parents just admit that they fetishise the white, middle-class family from an academic background, anti-capitalist, drive a non-flashy old car, but are still rich enough make sure their children have zero screen time and grow up surrounded by nature and animals. One or both parents actually have a significant wodge of inherited cash which they'll never dream of telling others because they love their image of being the "proper" type of middle class without worshipping flashy brands or status symbols. Obviously they still work because they need something to make them feel more superior than a SAHM, but usually only part-time or some WFH fluff which fits around the family schedule.

They hate pop culture, popular kids media, video games, shopping trends (especially if they come from the Far East), displays of over-consumption, party bags containing anything plastic, the class Whatsapp and anything other families do that might be remotely bad for the environment.

Ha ha, got me there! I wasn't very clear 😊 I meant more the type of woman who can make yoga or pilates with friends a part of her daily lifestyle because of her husbands salary, rather than attending a class at the weekend or after work.
My mum had that sort of ladies who lunch life as we grew up and never earned money after marriage beyond teaching the odd yoga class but fortunately got a good settlement when my parent's divorced.
I'd rather my daughter saw her friend's mum's doing all sorts of jobs and different activities, a really good demographic mix.

Having the convenience of both children at the same school sounds great.

You seem to be reading an awful lot into balloons; as @JH0404 points out, some people just really enjoy that sort of thing. For my own part, I am always staggered by the love for Disney - to my mind, its gruesome consumerism at its worst and it doesn’t appeal to me at all. But quite a lot
of my friends have been to Paris and the US as a main holiday and really enjoyed it. Does that mean we have radically different values and they are slaves to the ad men, whereas I am some superior being who prefers the opera? No. It probably means they or their kids like Mickey Mousr and they enjoy going on rides. Which is completely up to them and completely fair enough and I will smile and coo appreciatively over their photos (as I’m sure they indulge me when I’m telling them about my holidays and interests). I think you have to know someone pretty bloody well to declare that you and she have “completely different values”. And even if you do, you can often still rub along perfectly pleasantly (assuming it’s a case of “they’re more materialistic than we are” rather than “they’re horribly racist”).

Not quite sure what else you expecting at a private prep, tbh?
Move. At 4 she’ll be absolutely fine.

I'd rather my daughter saw her friend's mum's doing all sorts of jobs and different activities, a really good demographic mix.

Then private school is not for you! The one thing you can guarantee you won’t get is a “really good demographic mix” because the fees are so high…

This is a no brainer

It’s far easier having both DC at one primary school

You don’t like certain things about DD’s school, you do like DS’s school

DD is less than one term into school

Of course you move her!!

It doesn’t really matter whether the Pilates SAHMs (I am one myself…) are awful or not. You don’t feel comfortable at the school and that’s a good enough reason to move her. Especially since IMO the obvious thing would be for her to be at school with her brother anyway.

I was in one. Daughter of postman and shop worker

But many children at private schools do have mums who have professional careers and/or are self-employed and run businesses, and I've heard of many people over the years in fairly average paying jobs who scrimp to put their children through private schooling. Maybe that's less common now?
Also some will offer more bursaries and scholarships than others.
As someone said above, different schools will each have a different culture and ways of doing things and will attract different families.

So far you've said nothing about the culture of the school; just that you don't like the parents or what they do with their own kids. What made you think this school was a better fit for your DD - was it the staff:child ratios, learning support facilities, curriculum etc? If those aren't what you thought, and she would get the same quality of education at the school your DS goes to, then by all means move her. But your complaints are solely based around your feelings and insecurities, which I don't personally think is a reason to move a child, unless your insecurities are at such a level that it makes you unable to physically take your child to/from school.

School fee inflation over the past 20/30 years has outflanked almost everything else. Private schools today are a lot, lot less diverse than they used to be. A friend of mine followed in her father’s footsteps and went into medicine: she is quite aghast at the idea that one doctor’s salary could stretch to the three sets of all through school feea that her parents found for her and her two sisters. These days, you need to earn £100k gross just to pay two sets of school fees - and that’s before you’ve paid any other bills…..