Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay a night away from home?

193 replies

Halloweenhamster · 06/11/2025 12:24

I don’t think I am.

I have two dc, 17 and 12 and very very rarely have I spent a night away since they were born, only on a handful of occasions. I don’t drink much so I’ve usually driven however now and then I do like a drink - maybe once a year and not to excess but I wouldn’t even have one drink and risk driving.

It is ok if I’m out with local friends on these occasions as I can get a taxi / Uber back with them. However my friends from university want to meet in a nearish city in December. They are going out and then getting an air b n b - there’s only 5 of us and we rarely now get together like this as we are spread all over the uk. They then want to get brunch the following day and do a bit of Christmas shopping before we all head back.

I would like to stop in the air b n b, have a drink and spend some time with them. I can park at the air b n b. Otherwise I have to get the train in and then I’ll have to Uber back on my own - which will cost as much as the air b n b - or not drink and drive in and then drive back in the middle of the night.

DH is saying I am ‘not allowed’ to stay out and he doesn’t understand why I ‘suddenly want to to get drunk’ which is hypocritical as he is quite a heavy drinker! I don’t want to get drunk but I would like to relax, have a couple of drinks and then not worry about getting home. Plus I’d quite like the day with them the following day too.

AIBU? My dc aren’t even little anymore!

OP posts:
EvelynBeatrice · 08/11/2025 11:03

I have to say that if my husband told me that I, an adult of full capacity, wasn’t ‘allowed’ to do something lawful, I’d be inclined to laugh and ask him if I was ‘allowed’ a divorce !!!

A normal husband reaction would be ‘ sounds great love - stick date on calendar and I’ll make sure I’m about for the kids.’

Marieb19 · 08/11/2025 19:44

"Not allowed. " Have we stepped back 200 years. Tell him you're going and he can lump it.

B33cka8 · 08/11/2025 19:56

WackyRacers · 06/11/2025 12:28

In what other ways is your H controlling verbally disrespectful? I assume he’s too lazy to parent his own children over night?

obviously you should go but I’d also be telling your awful H to never ever dare to speak to you like that again.

Agree! It's giving controlling partner

Uppabye · 08/11/2025 20:09

OP...I'm going out with old uni friends in January and doing exactly this (staying overnight, driving home in the morning). Except my kids are toddlers - the 1 year old always wakes overnight, and the 3 year old sometimes does, so my husband is likely in for a rough night. When I mentioned going out his only question was "which weekend is it?" because the kids have clashing swimming and gymnastics classes on Sunday mornings, so he'll need to ask his mum to come around to help. We're in an exhausting phase of life and of course nights away (for either of us) are very rare, but that doesn't mean they're impossible!

You deserve to enjoy life and do things for yourself!!! With the ages of your kids how does this even impact your husband that much?!

I'd agree with some other posters that it would be worth considering if he is controlling in other ways. You shouldn't have to ask "permission" to see friends or let your hair down.

CrayonCritic5 · 08/11/2025 23:20

In what world is it ok for someone else to control you like this?

Sixtygoingonthirty · 09/11/2025 00:13

MattCauthon · 06/11/2025 12:41

Of course you are not being unreasonable. But I suspect this little discussion is just the tip o fa very large iceberg of controlling and manipulative behaviour on the part of your H.

The first clue is in the long post in which you spend ages justifying something that, to any normal, rational human being, is completely fine - a night away with some girlfriends, and some shopping.

The second is in the fact that you've almost never gone away.

The third is in a combination of his hypocrisy re his drinking vs yours and the fact that he has an issue with you going out at all.

The fourth is in the age of your children - I think there's a lot of relationships liek this where, when the children are young, things all rub along fine because the woman is actually quite happy doing what makes her DH happy - ie prioritising her children (and him), not going out much etc. Then, as the children get older and more independent, she wants to start havin gmore for herself - a hobby, exercise, different friendships, and it all very quickly deteriorates as he gets more and more angry.

I would guess that without even realising it you are already quite isolated. I'd be surprised if he hasn't had issues with your friendships and/or work colleagues in the past (and currently) and if you hvaen't regularly decided to do or not do something to avoid him having a meltdown? Anything from what clothes you wear to what foods you eat to what you do with your spare time.

You’ve just described my life …..😢😢😢

99bottlesofkombucha · 09/11/2025 00:26

BOOK IT AND GO.
mine are younger so much more work and I did this recently to have a night away just on my own. It was great :) my dh managed!! Tell yours he’s much more capable than he thinks he is, you’ve told all your friends how supportive he is about you getting time off and so you’ll be going (tell your friends you said this to persuade him!)

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/11/2025 00:34

Okay well that is absolutely not okay and once you’ve had your night away you need to seriously consider getting rid of this awful man.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2025 00:38

You're not ALLOWED????
Is he usually controlling? Does he cause friction when you go out? Are you scared to 'defy' him?
I'd tell him the wrong date then last minute announce it when it's too late for him to stop you going.

outofofficeagain · 09/11/2025 00:38

I thought this was going to be a thread about whether your 17 year old could be left in charge of the 12 year old.

There should be no question of it being OK to have a night away if you have a husband at home.

Mothership4two · 09/11/2025 07:05

One single OP that's guaranteed to rile posters up, no updates and no previous threads or comments. 🤔Not looking genuine now is it?

purpleygirl · 09/11/2025 12:24

outofofficeagain · 09/11/2025 00:38

I thought this was going to be a thread about whether your 17 year old could be left in charge of the 12 year old.

There should be no question of it being OK to have a night away if you have a husband at home.

This is what I thought it would be about.

fluffiphlox · 09/11/2025 12:35

‘Not allowed’. I’ve been married over 40 years and I’m ’allowed’ to do what I want. What a strange relationship you must have.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/11/2025 12:51

Mothership4two · 09/11/2025 07:05

One single OP that's guaranteed to rile posters up, no updates and no previous threads or comments. 🤔Not looking genuine now is it?

Not necessarily. Many women are oblivious that their relationship is so awful. No confidence, no idea what a relationship should be like, then gaslit in to believing that perfectly normal things are ‘not allowed’. Then it’s a horrible shock to see poster after poster telling you this. It takes time, and many bury their head in the sand first.

SympatheticDad · 09/11/2025 22:36

Halloweenhamster · 06/11/2025 12:24

I don’t think I am.

I have two dc, 17 and 12 and very very rarely have I spent a night away since they were born, only on a handful of occasions. I don’t drink much so I’ve usually driven however now and then I do like a drink - maybe once a year and not to excess but I wouldn’t even have one drink and risk driving.

It is ok if I’m out with local friends on these occasions as I can get a taxi / Uber back with them. However my friends from university want to meet in a nearish city in December. They are going out and then getting an air b n b - there’s only 5 of us and we rarely now get together like this as we are spread all over the uk. They then want to get brunch the following day and do a bit of Christmas shopping before we all head back.

I would like to stop in the air b n b, have a drink and spend some time with them. I can park at the air b n b. Otherwise I have to get the train in and then I’ll have to Uber back on my own - which will cost as much as the air b n b - or not drink and drive in and then drive back in the middle of the night.

DH is saying I am ‘not allowed’ to stay out and he doesn’t understand why I ‘suddenly want to to get drunk’ which is hypocritical as he is quite a heavy drinker! I don’t want to get drunk but I would like to relax, have a couple of drinks and then not worry about getting home. Plus I’d quite like the day with them the following day too.

AIBU? My dc aren’t even little anymore!

He is trying to control you.
Its nothing to do with having a drink, or seeing friends etc. He is just trying to control what you do.
This is indicative of a much bigger problem.....

EH1768 · 20/11/2025 12:34

ThatKeenShaker · 06/11/2025 13:49

Side note, but WHY wouldn't you expect a 17 year old to be responsible for a 12 year old?

17 year old are more than old enough to be paid to babysit, and you can employ an 18 yo au-pair to be responsible for children in a foreign country when they barely speak the language 😂

It's frightening how ill-prepared some teenagers and young adult are to real life!

Not really the question here.

But as a response to your comment. It does depend on the 17 year old. Parent needs to be the judge. some 17 year olds are not responsible and for example would invite loads of people over. Each family is different.

obviously that same 17 year old could be living in their own place, but in that case any risks they take are with their own place, and not the parents’ home.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/11/2025 14:48

Go and enjoy yourself!

To use a quaint old Scottish expression, tell your dh to get tae fuck.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2025 14:52

Jesus Christ I was expecting you to be a single parent for most of the post, and thought you were asking if it was OK to ask the 17 yo to look after the 12 yo! Which I was interested in as I have similar ages.

But you have a DH! There should be no issue at all with you going out overnight.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page