To stay a night away from home?

[Halloweenhamster]

I don’t think I am.

I have two dc, 17 and 12 and very very rarely have I spent a night away since they were born, only on a handful of occasions. I don’t drink much so I’ve usually driven however now and then I do like a drink - maybe once a year and not to excess but I wouldn’t even have one drink and risk driving.

It is ok if I’m out with local friends on these occasions as I can get a taxi / Uber back with them. However my friends from university want to meet in a nearish city in December. They are going out and then getting an air b n b - there’s only 5 of us and we rarely now get together like this as we are spread all over the uk. They then want to get brunch the following day and do a bit of Christmas shopping before we all head back.

I would like to stop in the air b n b, have a drink and spend some time with them. I can park at the air b n b. Otherwise I have to get the train in and then I’ll have to Uber back on my own - which will cost as much as the air b n b - or not drink and drive in and then drive back in the middle of the night.

DH is saying I am ‘not allowed’ to stay out and he doesn’t understand why I ‘suddenly want to to get drunk’ which is hypocritical as he is quite a heavy drinker! I don’t want to get drunk but I would like to relax, have a couple of drinks and then not worry about getting home. Plus I’d quite like the day with them the following day too.

AIBU? My dc aren’t even little anymore!

Is this a reverse or goady thread? If not why oh why are you living like this op? What else aren’t you allowed to do?

I have a weekend away with girlfriends at least once a year. If my husband told me I wasn’t allowed to go we’d be having a serious conversation about it. I work really hard for my family so I need a break now and then, I’m sure it’s the same for you OP! Have your night out and enjoy yourself.

This - spot on.
He is not your keeper.

What an absolute melt he is.

If my DH told me I wasn't allowed to stay out I would be telling him to fuck the fuck off. Who does he think he is?

Your kids are not babies and your DH is not your keeper.

Go out and have fun and relax with your friends. You DO NOT need his bloody permission.

OP, I'm guessing that the universal - just go anyway, he's not your keeper, take MORE days just to teach him a lesson - posts on here will freak you out. Becuase I predict that he has you so tied up in knots that this sort of thing is so far outside of anything you could even contemplate that you'll feel overwhelmed and shocked that anyone could behave this way.

In healthy relationships, when one person does or says or expects something completely unreasonable, the other one can say a flat "haha, no" and it works fine. Like when DH was using Find My Iphone function to get my attention if I didn't answer the phone - even if his question was just to ask if I could buy milk and I told him firmly that was outrageous and ridculous and he realised he was being a dick.

That's NOT what you have here and I suspect your problems are bigger. I hope these answers show you that.

Sorry, are you actually joking!?

One of your kids is 17! I know times have changed, but at 15 I was holidaying alone with mates in the UK (obviously pre mobile phones, so no contact with my parents for the duration), and at 17 I was largeing it with mates in Magaluf on an 18-30s holiday!

I don't have kids so have no dog in this fight, but thinking you cant have a night away when your kids are TEENAGERS reads like mental illness to me.

And your husband is nuts for having an issue with it. "Not allowed" indeed. Tell him to go fuck himself!

Your DH didn't get a mention until the last paragraph. I was shocked that you aren't a single mum given this dilemma. Of course YANBU. What a prick.

I thought you were asking if people would leave their 17 YO in charge of their 12 YO for one night whilst you were away and I was going to tell you to go for it.

The fact that you have a partner in the home is absolute madness that you would even think twice about this.

You are not just a mum and a wife you are an individual person who deserves to have time away from the family home to refill your cup.

Do not let your husband dictate to you what to do in this situation.

I thought you were a single mum and were wondering if it was Ok to leave your 17 and 12 year old alone. I wouldn't have thought that was OK tbh but to read your (D)H is there and 'not allowing' you is bloody awful.
Have a great time OP

Enjoy your weekend away from your controlling husband!

What do you mean "not allowed " i think you should go and spend time with your friends it is a meet up it is acceptable to stay overnight to enjoy going out later if you want to. Is there other things you are not allowed to do ?

Christ, I was reading your post under the assumption that you were a single parent, and was about to say that DD has been staying home alone over night since 16, but it depends on whether your 12yo will listen to your older child etc etc.

And then you dropped a "D"H into the story, and I'm thinking What the Fuck? Why on earth isn't he capable of looking after his own children for a night? Or is it just that he wants to control you.

DP goes away for a couple of nights with her friends a couple of times a year, I've never tried stopping her because honestly, why would I want to? I can only imagine what would happen if I tried telling her she "wasn't allowed" to do something, I imagine it'd involve the end of our relationship!

Tell him to fuck off @Halloweenhamster , and go for your night away. The worst that can happen is that he leaves you, and honestly, he'd be doing you a favour.

I feel sad for you reading your long post, over explaining and justifying yourself. It doesn't matter how old the children are. They could be very little and you'd still deserve a night away with friends. Every parent needs a break / to have fun every now and then. This could be an annual thing for example. Your husband cannot tell you no, he is not your Dad or your boss at work. I really hope you go and have fun and then when you get back, I hope you re-book for next year.

Your post is very sad

Are you so ground down by what I imagine is at least 17 years of doing almost all childcare and domestic labour that you honestly are not sure if it's ok to go away for a single night?

Oh love. Is this really the first time this situation has happened? There's never been a girls trip, a hen do, a 30th, a family occasion that you've gone to and needed to stay away?
I think the fact you put the not allowed comment here shows this is only the tip of the iceberg. What are the other ways he controls what you do?
And yes, id leave a sensible 17 and 12 yo alone for one night where I'm totally contactable so this is insane. You should never ever have to ask your partner permission to do something, not ever. You just say "oh darling by the way I'm away with the girls on the 18th, don't make any plans as you're on your own with the kids" and get packing. It sounds like you'd really love your night away and there's no need whatsoever got this level of thought being given to it.

Hugs 🫂

What ? That's crazy controlling. Stand up for yourself or course your allowed !! I have a you d DC and my DH would encourage me to do this to give me a break!!! Absolutely go for it and have a good time 😊

Definitely.go and have a lovely time with your friends.
Then re-evaluate your relationship with DH. If he persists in thinking he can tell you you're "not allowed" to do things I would start making plans to leave him - perhaps leaning on your friends for some support. He doesn't have any right to try to control you.

I thought this was going to be about leaving the kids alone at 12 and 17 overnight and was going to say YABU to expect the 17 year old to be responsible for the 12 year old - but then I see you have a DH!

Why on earth doesn't your DH want you to go? Can't he cope? Doesn't he trust you? Is it the cost? It sounds very strange.

This is not okay. I hope you stand up for yourself in this

‘Not allowed’?!

I’d laugh in his face.

Side note, but WHY wouldn't you expect a 17 year old to be responsible for a 12 year old?

17 year old are more than old enough to be paid to babysit, and you can employ an 18 yo au-pair to be responsible for children in a foreign country when they barely speak the language 😂

It's frightening how ill-prepared some teenagers and young adult are to real life!

Yes.
This with knobs.

Go!!! Enjoy it….then when you come back contemplate throwing the whole man in the bin!!

Controlling you saying you are not allowed while drinking heavily himself! Nah throw him out!

I feel for you, you sound lovely and a great mum. I am really concerned that your relationship is so controlling you are not allowed a night out with long term mates. I want to say “go and enjoy” but also fear what you may face from your partner if you do. I hope you find a safe solution filled with too much wine and loads of laughs with your friends.