To stay a night away from home?

[Halloweenhamster]

I don’t think I am.

I have two dc, 17 and 12 and very very rarely have I spent a night away since they were born, only on a handful of occasions. I don’t drink much so I’ve usually driven however now and then I do like a drink - maybe once a year and not to excess but I wouldn’t even have one drink and risk driving.

It is ok if I’m out with local friends on these occasions as I can get a taxi / Uber back with them. However my friends from university want to meet in a nearish city in December. They are going out and then getting an air b n b - there’s only 5 of us and we rarely now get together like this as we are spread all over the uk. They then want to get brunch the following day and do a bit of Christmas shopping before we all head back.

I would like to stop in the air b n b, have a drink and spend some time with them. I can park at the air b n b. Otherwise I have to get the train in and then I’ll have to Uber back on my own - which will cost as much as the air b n b - or not drink and drive in and then drive back in the middle of the night.

DH is saying I am ‘not allowed’ to stay out and he doesn’t understand why I ‘suddenly want to to get drunk’ which is hypocritical as he is quite a heavy drinker! I don’t want to get drunk but I would like to relax, have a couple of drinks and then not worry about getting home. Plus I’d quite like the day with them the following day too.

AIBU? My dc aren’t even little anymore!

What does he mean you're "not allowed"?

Is he always this controlling?

OP your dh needs to take the 'not allowed to stay out over night' and shove it where the mice won't get it.
What a knob he really is in this day and age.

What exactly is it he can't be bothered to do with the DC? at those ages they don't need to be bathed, nappies changed, put to bed, read stories, they can look after themselves, this is simply a case of a controlling man, I bet if you were to tell him you want to go to the Gymn once a week and go to a book club once a fortnight he'd say you're not allowed to do that either.

What the actual fuck?

Do you usually feel like you need to ask his permission to do things? This is so, so far from healthy and I'm concerned that you don't even seem to realise that. I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's displayed controlling behaviour?

For reference, I've had a night (or 3) away with friends a couple of times a year since my youngest was 2. It does me the world of good and the DC are fine and happy with their dad.

Even without DH I'd expect a 17yo and responsible 12yo to be OK left overnight and to get own breakfast etc.

DH is totally unreasonable.

Don't often see 100% agreement from over 650 votes. Your DH is a (D)Dickhead.

I thought this was going to be a 'shall I let my 17 year old look after my 12 year old' kind of question! Obviously if dad is there with them, no problem at all with you staying out for 1 night in 17 years!

Your post concerns me because it sounds as though you have spent at least 17 years being told that the sky is green, and now you honestly have no idea that it's blue? You can see it is blue, but, after so long being told otherwise, you are doubting yourself. You can see that your husband is also deflecting his behaviour onto you, but can't see that you don't have to explain yourself. You are an adult, and if you want to go out and get bladdered with your friends, you can! You. Do. Not. Have. To. Justify. Yourself!

This is coercive control my lovely. It is abuse.
If you don't have the freedom to go and spend time with your friends and know that your children will be safe and cared for in your absence, this is NOT normal. Not only are YNBU, you are being controlled, and that's not OK. You absolutely should go and spend time with your friends, and, please, talk to them about how your husband tried to stop you. They probably have suspicions about your predicament anyway but need it to come from you. Will your children be safe with their dad if you go against him? If you have any doubts about their safety, is there anyone else who can look after them whilst you're away?
Needless to say, I have been through this, too, although my (thankfully now ex) husband didn't tell me I couldn't go, he just made it very difficult for me with his behaviour - restricting access to money, suddenly finding reasons at the last minute to justify why I just had to stay home, and there was also a pattern of our daughter having "accidents" in my absence. I know that sometimes they don't tell you in words that you can't go, they tell you in their behaviour, and, eventually, you are trained to not even ask because you know the outcome.
If this is part of a bigger problem, please seek help. You don't have to live like this x

You're not "allowed"?

Say what?

Who the fuck does he think he is, your jailer?

He's a controlling asshole. You need a come to Jesus with him if he thinks that's acceptable.

Christ. My DD is 7 and I'm going away tomorrow for two nights. I don't understand why you wouldn't if the opportunity arises and I don't understand why you are justifying yourself throughout your op. You are perfectly entitled to get drunk if you want to. Is your husband abusive in other ways?

Of course, it’s fine. Your eldest is 17! I go on holiday (holiday!) every year by myself and have since mine were teeny. I went to Australia on my own for 2 weeks when eldest was 17 months (granted it was for work, but still).

Your Dh sounds like a knobhead and his concerns are probably more a reflection of what he gets up to when he’s off getting drunk.

"There seems to be a misunderstanding here. I wasnt asking your permission, I was simply informing you of my plans out of courtesy. I will be away on X date and back the next day and the only person who decides if I am allowed to do anything is me."

Is he this controlling over other issues? A night away with uni mates is a totally normal thing to do even if you had small
DC. I think you really need to make sure you do this and also look at your DH’s view on you doing things for yourself in general.

That's crazy. I have been away loads and so has DH with friends and if we want to go out there is no curfew. Maybe a request and discussion about logistics with the kids. Sometimes a bit of moaning from the other person who is jealous of the one going to something fun and will be dealing with a spouse with a hangover the following day. Occassionally some cross words if the person going out doesn't turn up when they said they would or is not very helpful the next day.
But at no point are we 'not allowed'to go or do what we like. This includes over the years, week long holidays with friends, nights out where we stay in air bnbs with friends, weekends away with friends, seeing relatives any sort of night out and working away for weeks at a time.
Our DC are 13 and 8 and we have been taking this approach since they were 0.
The only reason really we stop the other person doing something is if finances are low and it will cause a problem to spend the money on a night out, or something was already planned like a family dinner or kids activity. Then it's a discussion and usually the person who had the 'fun plan' will agree that it isnt in the best interests of us all to do the thing at that time after it has been pointed out.

Since when did your husband get to ALLOW or not allow anything?? He can get knotted!

This. Each time he complains, add another night.

Tell him, then do it. And keep doing it. Doesn’t have to be weekly/monthly but definitely regularly. I used to book into a Travelodge on my own for the weekend and take wine and bubble bath with me! I did it twice a year for a few years.

This is not something you should be asking for advice on. The answer is clear as day. “Husband, just to let you know I’m going to X city wirh X people will be back on Sunday about 6ish. Have a good weekend with the kids”.

Never seen 💯 vote on MN.
That says it all.
I agree with all the comments. Very very odd behaviour from DH.

Go for it. Stay ovenight. Do the shopping etc. Not allowed?? Just who does he think he is???

How did you come to accept he could dictate what you do? Was it a boiled frog scenario, where it ramped up so gradually you didn't realise you were being controlled?

I check with DP and he checks with me for any scheduling clashes, but never in a million years would we expect to be "allowed" or "not allowed" to do things. You're a grown woman with agency of your own.

As a side note, I have two nights away on my own every year since my first child was 2, just to have a little headspace. It was DP's suggestion. Does me the world of good.

I started reading the opening post, and presumed you were going to ask if it were okay to leave a 17 and 12 year old on their own overnight. (Glad you're not).

I can't get my head round the idea that my dh would ever try to tell me I'm "not allowed" to do something, let alone anything as lovely as this sounds.
He'd check his diary to make sure he wasn't away the same time and tell me to have a nice time.

I totally agree.

"Not allowed"..... I'd be booking a week. Who does he think he is?

Oh my god, up until the final paragraph I thought your OP was about leaving them alone overnight!

Jesus, it’s not up to your DH whether you stay overnight with friends or not.

And for the record, I was going to say that I think it’s fine to leave the 17 and 12 year old home alone!