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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay a night away from home?

193 replies

Halloweenhamster · 06/11/2025 12:24

I don’t think I am.

I have two dc, 17 and 12 and very very rarely have I spent a night away since they were born, only on a handful of occasions. I don’t drink much so I’ve usually driven however now and then I do like a drink - maybe once a year and not to excess but I wouldn’t even have one drink and risk driving.

It is ok if I’m out with local friends on these occasions as I can get a taxi / Uber back with them. However my friends from university want to meet in a nearish city in December. They are going out and then getting an air b n b - there’s only 5 of us and we rarely now get together like this as we are spread all over the uk. They then want to get brunch the following day and do a bit of Christmas shopping before we all head back.

I would like to stop in the air b n b, have a drink and spend some time with them. I can park at the air b n b. Otherwise I have to get the train in and then I’ll have to Uber back on my own - which will cost as much as the air b n b - or not drink and drive in and then drive back in the middle of the night.

DH is saying I am ‘not allowed’ to stay out and he doesn’t understand why I ‘suddenly want to to get drunk’ which is hypocritical as he is quite a heavy drinker! I don’t want to get drunk but I would like to relax, have a couple of drinks and then not worry about getting home. Plus I’d quite like the day with them the following day too.

AIBU? My dc aren’t even little anymore!

OP posts:
CausalInference · 06/11/2025 14:51

I thought this was going to be about asking if it's ok to leave the 12 year old overnight with the 17 year old because you are a single parent or something, but you have a husband so why I earth would it not be ok? He sounds controlling, if my husband told me I "wasn't allowed" I'd tell him where to go!

Butterflywings84 · 06/11/2025 14:52

You didn’t need all that background. You are allowed a night away once in a while (whether you are having a drink or not) and you don’t need to justify it. Is your DH like this all the time? Seems a complete overreaction on his part.

Karatema · 06/11/2025 14:52

Goodness, give your head a wobble and do it regularly 😀 Yes, I check with my DH that a few nights away are covered work wise (we run a business together) but, at weekends we tell each other if we’re off with friends.

Emmz1510 · 06/11/2025 14:54

OMG go! I hope your DH isn’t normally this controlling. Tell him to sling his hook!

GreenCandleWax · 06/11/2025 14:55

CurlewKate · 06/11/2025 12:31

“Not allowed”? He actually had the unmitigated gall to say that??? Fuck him.

What century is he living in? Perhaps remind him its no longer the 19th. How dare he tell you are "not allowed". You are an adult and free to do whatever you like.

Go and have a well deserved lovely break with your friends. Friendships are valuable and so are you. 🌺

Takingbackmylife · 06/11/2025 14:56

You’re not allowed?! Wtf!

Heronwatcher · 06/11/2025 14:56

Any man who told me I was not allowed to do anything would be put in their place very quickly. I’m frankly astonished that you’re even asking this in the year 2025.

Boromirsgreyhound · 06/11/2025 14:56

You have a husband problem. He is controlling and manipulative.

Mizztikle · 06/11/2025 14:58

So what are you wearing on your night out then?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 06/11/2025 15:03

He doesn't get to tell you what to do. Anyway, it's safer to stay with your friends. Have a great time!!

Gibstub · 06/11/2025 15:03

You aren't alllowed? Just do it. He is not your controller.

TheOccupier · 06/11/2025 15:13

What have I just read?! I thought the last paragraph was going to be "Is 17 and 12 too young to stay alone overnight as a one-off?" but then all of a sudden a DH appears! The only way YANBU is to have tolerated a controlling twat like this for presumably the best part of 20 years. Go on the girls' trip and give some serious thought to not coming back

StandFirm · 06/11/2025 15:14

Halloweenhamster · 06/11/2025 12:24

I don’t think I am.

I have two dc, 17 and 12 and very very rarely have I spent a night away since they were born, only on a handful of occasions. I don’t drink much so I’ve usually driven however now and then I do like a drink - maybe once a year and not to excess but I wouldn’t even have one drink and risk driving.

It is ok if I’m out with local friends on these occasions as I can get a taxi / Uber back with them. However my friends from university want to meet in a nearish city in December. They are going out and then getting an air b n b - there’s only 5 of us and we rarely now get together like this as we are spread all over the uk. They then want to get brunch the following day and do a bit of Christmas shopping before we all head back.

I would like to stop in the air b n b, have a drink and spend some time with them. I can park at the air b n b. Otherwise I have to get the train in and then I’ll have to Uber back on my own - which will cost as much as the air b n b - or not drink and drive in and then drive back in the middle of the night.

DH is saying I am ‘not allowed’ to stay out and he doesn’t understand why I ‘suddenly want to to get drunk’ which is hypocritical as he is quite a heavy drinker! I don’t want to get drunk but I would like to relax, have a couple of drinks and then not worry about getting home. Plus I’d quite like the day with them the following day too.

AIBU? My dc aren’t even little anymore!

Men like your H are exhausting. Honestly. Maybe he'd prefer you being away on a more permanent basis? How would he like it then?

StewkeyBlue · 06/11/2025 15:19

OP - "not allowed" is something that doesn't happen in a healthy relationship.

You did not need to do any of that long explanation and justification to us - or to your H. " I am going away for a night with my friends as I see you have nothing in the diary" is all that should be needed.

It doesn't matter whether you go and drink Ribena all weekend or get shit faced on negronis on the first night. It is normal to meet up with friends and have a lovely time on another city.

Is this a feature or pattern on your relationship? Are you 'allowed' to dictate what he can and cannot do??

He sounds controlling and possibly emotionally abusive.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 06/11/2025 15:21

Don't ask him, tell him you're having a night away. Offer the same for him when he wants to organise a night away with his mates. He sounds like an idiot who is using the 'getting drunk' thing as a criticism to try to control you.

Have a great time - sounds fab!

OnceIn · 06/11/2025 15:22

‘Not allowed’ eerrrr who made him boss

Moveoverdarlin · 06/11/2025 15:26

My favourite thing to do when my own DH behaves like a twat is to frantically search in my handbag for something, then pull out my middle finger and direct it in his face and hold it there for 5 seconds.

Try it. Your one sounds a particular neanderthal.

Bamboozledbylife · 06/11/2025 15:29

YABU even asking if you are YABU! Tell him to wind his neck in and go out and have some time to yourself. Please make sure you do go!

GreatUserName · 06/11/2025 15:30

Moveoverdarlin · 06/11/2025 15:26

My favourite thing to do when my own DH behaves like a twat is to frantically search in my handbag for something, then pull out my middle finger and direct it in his face and hold it there for 5 seconds.

Try it. Your one sounds a particular neanderthal.

Omg I burst out laughing at that 🤣
I want to do that now but unfortunately my DH is actually normal.

OP , hope you've booked it already and if I were you, I'd be mighty tempted to book an extra night, just because!
Hope you have a fab time with your friends 🍾🍹🥂🍷🍸

SusiQ18472638 · 06/11/2025 15:31

My children are similar ages and my husband wouldn’t dream of saying I couldn’t stay for a night or weekend away with my friends, which I do at least once a year. I can’t understand his reaction at all

twilightcafe · 06/11/2025 15:33

Bugger that. I would just go.

SassyCow · 06/11/2025 15:37

Get yourself away for the night and enjoy 😊

honeylulu · 06/11/2025 15:39

Of course you should go! Enjoy yourself! Even if you weren't having a drink why would you want to worry about trying to park in a busy city centre in the evening and driving home on your own late at night if there's a much better and nicer alternative.

If my husband told me I wasn't "allowed" to do something my response would be to definitely do it!

thenightsky · 06/11/2025 15:40

MrsR2018 · 06/11/2025 14:18

I thought this was going to be a “can I leave my 17 and 12 year olds overnight alone” thread, then I got to the DH part and I am FLABBERGASTED 🤯

of course you’re allowed, don’t ask, just book it

Yep. I thought that too. A DH that cannot look after his 2 pretty grown up kids for ONE night is awful. I'm embarrassed for him.

Noshadelamp · 06/11/2025 15:43

Even if you didn't want to drink, it's reasonable to stay over as the get together is from the night to the next day.

Even if you did want to drink, there's nothing wrong with that.

The problem is that your DH thinks he has authority over you.

He doesn't.

You have laid out a lot of detail for us, and I'm guessing it's a pattern where you have to justify every little thing you do with why you're doing it, why the alternative isn't feasible etc

This is not how to live.

You should be able to say "uni friends are meeting up and we're getting an Airbnb, I'll take the car and be back sometime the next day, can you make sure you're here that night for 12 yr old."