To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Depends what the contract says but it would never be that much as the child would be kicked out after an unpaid bill. They may then chase for any unpaid fees for eg. one term

But the issue is the assessment would result in the bursary being removed and the child's natural parents can't afford the full fees.

OP not willing to contribute .

Why is child set to leave that school at 16?

All I can suggest is that you set something formal up so your DP pays you back for any fees you have to pay.

@CloverRiver He's NOT your stepson.
You're not married and you have not legally adopted him.
He's your partner's son.

The onus is on your partner to sort this.

Could he take a loan for the next 3 years?
How much discount does the bursary give?

I think any decent school would make an exception here because for this child to be 'removed' from the care of his mother suggests there are serious issues around harm if she is not fit to parent him.

His father needs to go into school and talk to the Head.

Life is tough sometimes.

In other words he’s going to lose the bursary as you earn far more than his mum (who is no longer liable) does. You don’t want to supply your details because the bursary will go, your DP cannot afford the fees without it, and you will be expected to pay. Which you don’t want to do. Is that right?

You're caught between a rock and a hard place. Getting legal advice sounds like a good move. What would it take for you to step up and sign this? Is your relationship strong enough to warrant this?

You need to read the terms of the contract that was signed when the child entered the school. Look at the working and go from there.

Wanting to assess a household income is working on the premise that you and your partner share financial responsibility equally. Surely that needs to be ascertained before it can be deemed to have impact on the child’s fee eligibility? It seems shrewd of the school especially after what the child has been through.

I would consider some legal advice from someone who understands and works in this sort of area

You write DP. If you are not married you have a strong case for saying he is not your stepson but the son of your boyfriend. That you cohabit is none of the school’s business and that they should be more pastorally concerned about the welfare of a boy who has had the trauma of being removed from his mother, rather than chasing you for money you don’t owe them.

Are you married, you say stepchild but also DP?

There will be literally hundreds of kids in this school who live with their lower-earning/SAH mum and higher-earning stepdad. Should they all get bursaries too?

It doesn't matter how a couple shares their finances - if they share a home they are one financial unit for things like this.

I think it's fair for the school to ask about the financial arrangements between you and DP, in order to assess DPs ability to pay the school fees eg the split of mortgage/rent and utilities, who pays for holidays etc. But not to do an assessment of your income.

This isn't how financial assessment works. They live together as a couple, that's it

I have experience of working in a private school and the first thing to do is to talk to the Head.

Exceptions can be made according to need.

However, what are his ex wife's assets? Does she have no savings that can be used towards the fees?

Before people start with the wicked stepmother tropes, I’ve done a lot to support my stepchild, including currently sourcing and paying for his counselling.

What I’m not prepared to do is sign a contract making myself liable for in excess of £26k.

Glad someone has pointed this out

The signing off a document about being liable for fees is a bit of a red herring in all this.

The school needs to re-assess the eligibility for a bursery - to do that they need access to OP’s financial info

If OP refuses this, the bursery stops and her DP has to pay full fees. Which he can’t afford.

If OP allows her finances to be assessed there is a high probability that her DSS will no longer be eligible for a bursery so her DP has to pay full fees. Which he can’t afford.

So, if the OP is not prepared to contribute towards the fees then the only options are they live separately or DSS leaves the school.

And anyone saying “oh but you could be a lodger or landlady - they wouldn’t expect you to pay school fees!” - the point is, the OP is neither of these things - and it is not different to benefit claims/university fees etc and cohabiting!

That's reasonable.

But you've had good advice about speaking to the bursar in person, ensuring the school are fully aware of the situation. Make very sure you know exactly what the options are.

For all the talk of the school and bursaries and looking at your icons it just basically boils down to you don't want to pay his fees is that right?

Which is your right to, but it's just a much simpler way of putting it and much easier to understand.

Sounds fair for the purposes of assessing the bursary but i dont see how it extends to you being guarantor for those fees.

That is fine. That is your choice. But it will have consequences for the child, and for your relationship.

While we don’t have de facto laws in this country (yet) the people going on about him not being a stepson are nitpicking. Marriage is a relationship between the adults and to all intents and purposes he is her stepson even if she’s not married to his dad. Either way, stepparents (where married) owe zero financial obligations to stepchildren so it makes no difference. The only limited material difference is that a married stepparent can apply for PR for a child and an unmarried one can’t. But okay, her bonus-son then.

If it was me I’d either end the relationship or help pay the fees. I don’t know what your set up is OP about whether you also have children or any joint ones with your OP but if I was in a position to help this boy I would. Maybe he will be grateful when he’s older, maybe he won’t but I’d feel morally responsible for helping him and lots of other stepparents would and do help their stepkids. I couldn’t stay in a relationship with the dad if I wasn’t prepared to help.

Also, poor kid 😞

You won't be liable for 26k. At the most it would be 1/3 of that.
If that is what is helping to keep a vulnerable teenage boy going for now, and I saw a long term future with his dad, I would risk it.

Your partner needs to talk to the Head.

He's not your stepson and you need to stop calling him that.
You've already mentioned the possibility of you and your partner splitting up (which is sensible) but do stop referring to the son as more than he is.

This will complicate matters if you talk to the school like that.
You are not a guardian or a step parent, although you see your role as that.

Of he has a bursary based on the parental income of his dad and his mum so 2 households - one of which you’ve always lived in I would question why your income now counts.

unless his bursary was considered previously solely in the household income of his main residence (his mums?) and the fact your household is 2 adults wasn’t taken into consideration because it wasn’t his main residence?

Unfortunately if bursaries for school are based on household income of the main residence then things will have changed.

You don’t have to provide your details or sign anything but equally the school don’t have to provide the financial assistance for him to attend.

it’s rock and hard place.