To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

The situation is, if they assess my income, he’ll likely lose the bursary and then my DP will be liable for fees that he now can’t afford. He’s struggling to afford them without his ex’s input as it is. So, in this scenario, I’d end up having to pay the school fees or subsidise him in other ways.

What the school is asking is that my income is assessed and then because I’m an adult in the household, I need to sign the contract along with DP and that will make me joint and severely liable for the fees.

There’s no law to say the school have to continue giving reduced rates.

That would be trying to play the system and the school wouldn't just accept that!

I agree with this. Setting up a deed of trust is a bit clinical though and OP would only realistically get her money back if they split.

If they’re in rented, which they probably are if her partner can’t afford a few extra k, it won’t work though.

Yes this is fair enough from the school. They aren’t demanding you pay the fees, they are assessing his eligibility for a reduced fee based on household income.

The school aren't stupid. Just like with benefits, pretending a partner is a lodger doesn't cut it.

Seems like stepparent would.only be liable if fees not paid. If youre not prepared to be a parent, don't have live in stepchildren. It's really a simple concept.

As I said, if I found myself living with stepchildren but not prepared to step up like this, I'd realise I am in the wrong relationship. I understand that many other people just see the children as inconvenient baggage that they will never help carry. But I've always found it wrong to want to be part of the parent's life, especially in a huge way like living together, but then not wanting to share their existing commitments and obligations like childcare and pet care.

So you’re ok with them assessing your income but not signing to be liable? I would provide income then but refuse to sign a document. Sounds like your DP will lose the discount either way.

The distinction being that student finance won't try and make OP liable for ongoing financial support.

But it's a good point about being aware of how university finance works, as DSS may well want to go and it's only 5 years away. Plenty of people get a nasty shock about that one!

I definitely wouldn’t be signing anything. You could find yourself on the hook for £18k-£20k a year. Was the whole bill always paid by your DP?

I do understand your viewpoint, but on the other hand, is this not tantamount to saying I am DPs partner but have no equivalent relationship to DPs child, who now lives with DP full time? So you are putting limits on the 'partnership' that render it to be less than a partnership, really?
What does DP say? Surely he'll put his child's needs first? Wouldn't that mean that, if the chips were down, he'd have to separate from you?
Looking at it from the school's point of view, you are asking them to subsidise your relationship!

It sounds likely that OP’s partner wouldn’t be able to afford to live independently and pay the reduced school fees anyway, so it’d make no difference.

Is your DP prepared to move out until the child finishes school to enable him to keep the bursary? Because otherwise the child is leaving the school regardless so there is no need for you to give any financial info. There's no point your DP kicking off at you for not doing it, unless he thinks you should be paying the shortfall??

Well, yes, but then the school potentially removes or reduces the financial support they are offering and the child has to leave the school.

Either way my stepchild will have to leave his school as both scenarios the fees become unaffordable or I refuse to pay and subsidise.

Is your relationship going to survive this?

Is this a definite? Ie have the school been told about the situation with his DM and any possiblity of bursaries on compassionate rather than strictly financial grounds have been explored?

And what if you split up? You could then potentially be bound to pay fees for a child who isn’t yours.

If he is receiving a discount/ bursary based on income then it would be normal to assess all the income within the home in which the child lives. You can argue that you are unmarried, have no parental responsibility and are actually not the child's step parent ( presumably you legally aren't as you are not married to his father). They could argue that the lifestyle the child will enjoy , if living with you both fulltime, is not compatible with receiving financial adjustments. Perhaps you need half an hour of proper legal advice.

YANBU to refuse to pay.

But a probably traumatised SEN teenager leaving his home, mum and school won’t be easy to live with.

Perhaps it’s a natural end to the relationship?

Poor poor kid. lost his mother, had to move, and about to lose his place at school and the absolute lack of empathy and constructive problem solving screams out in your posts .
Their needs need to come first in this, I don’t think you and your partner should be living together until he has finished at the school

He'll lose the bursary because you earn too much money? So as a couple you earn enough but he on his own can't afford it?

You keep saying you'd be severely liable for fees, but you mean you'd just be paying the fees because your partner can't afford them?

It took some getting there but I think basically you just don't want to pay the school fees do you? So your partner's son will have to leave the school.

How does your partner feel about that?

Tricky one. It seems extraordinary that the school would look at a non-married partner with no parental responsibility for the child.

However, it sounds like the nursery is going tk be lost or reduced anyway? So how is your DP planing to make up that shortfall?

I'd recommend making an appointment and going into the school to have a conversation. And with the Head not the bursar, as it will be the Head who usually makes the decision (unless the school is part of a group, in which case the group usually makes these sorts of decisions).

Much more able to have a reasonable discussion and resolve face to face.

Explain that while the child's living arrangements have changed for reasons beyond your control, your practical and financial responsibilities have not.

Ultimately this decision will be entirely at the discretion of the school, so your best chance is to speak to them.

It’s the mum’s fault his life has changed, not OP’s.