To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

The mum might be hospitalised or in prison…

It’s for the bursary, they assess household income and that of absent parents too. Sorry to break it to you but if he attends university they will require your income too

This is exactly the same as on benefits. I suppose you either go into the school together and chat to the admin/bursar team and see if something can be worked out or you suck it up, sign it and hope you don't have to pay!

Why not ask them what happens when you and dad split up - surely they'd do what has happened now and reassess dad alone as single and remove you? You could get this in writing.

Perhaps also see if dad would be eligible for bursary single? There might be other hardship bursaries available?

Would it be better for dad if he rented a small flat in his and his sons name and stayed there for school time or as a closer base?

I'd do this for my DH to be honest but obviously you don't have to.

I don't know what legal advice people think you need, the school isn't really forcing anything they're just telling you that the bursary is dependent on household income. If you're not prepared to have your household income assessed then DSS won't be eligible.

I don’t think schools can do this…so that actually makes it worse, because (based on the only private school I know who are complete seashores)…are they trying to manage him out?

Op's dp should definitely be doing this. Op should be as uninvolved as possible!

Still a better parent to the kid than his own mother, though

Seashores?!? Arseholes

Why? Because I won’t make myself financially liable for thousands of pounds for a a child that:

1. I have no legal responsibility for

1. I had no say in his educational decision, that was his mother and father’s decision. I’m sure if I came on here kicking up a fuss about their choice of school I’d be told to piss off as it’s his parents choice!

Are you in the states? It doesn’t sound like a uk private school at all. Usually in such a situation, the school might offer a bigger bursary for example. You’re not married you’re not the child’s official parent in any way.

Eta- poor kid though :(

What were the details of the suggestion that you be liable for the fees? Have you got the wording of the email/letter?

This is really tough OP.

Private school’s can set whatever policy/criteria around burseries or fee reductions they choose.

If it is based around household income then it makes no difference whether you have legal responsibility for your DSS or not.

Your options are you either live separately for the next 3 years, or you accept that you have to contribute to the fees (if DP can’t afford them without the bursery, or DSS leaves the school.

The liability for fees thing is odd though…..

OP your partner needs a meeting with the Bursary. My DD16 was in private mainly for SEN until recently. You might be able to negotiate but I’m afraid this is how it works. They can’t make you sign anything however of course. But if the assessment means they are on higher fees then ask whether they do the school fees scheme, could your partner manage the fees if it was spread monthly? It’s what I used to do.

I think that I would make an appointment to go in and speak to a real person one-to-one.

I would probably be ok with providing financial details, it seems reasonable that they would check household income for a bursary. But I wouldn’t sign to be liable for the fees.

If you can afford to do so, an alternative might be for you to offer to pay the bursary amount, with dp paying the existing fees. That would probably mean that you don’t have to sign the contract (my ex, the kids dad, isn’t a signatory on mine for example) and dp would keep the responsibility/risk.

Agree with this 👆 It's to assess your income to see if he qualifies for the bursery. Could you call the school to say that you're not married and don't want to be personally responsible for tutution fees. See what they say? If you don't actually sign any paperwork then legally you're not responsible for it.

If the home you live in belongs to you (ie dp isn't on the mortgage or deeds) could you reframe your household setup so that he and his son are living with you as lodgers and paying you rent? They surely wouldn't assess the income of a landlady would they!

If he is on the mortgage/deeds then my previous suggestion to reframe this so that effectively DP is spending his share of the equity on fees, rather than you being out of pocket, will work instead.

Because you'd be prepared to see him leave his school when he has already lost contact with his mum under quite traumatic circumstances by the sound of things

If you are in a stable, long term relationship with your DP, I think you should do what is needed to keep this traumatised child in the school. Chances of you actually having to hand over any monies is low. This child could be in your life for decades.

So the will cancel the child's bursary and he has to leave school. There's no hardball to be played here that doesn't disadvantage the child.

South coast.
get on your laptop and draw up a tenancy agreement whereby you are renting a room in the house. It’s actually insane that they want to make you liable. Say you’re a tenant living there - you aren’t married so they can jog right on. Don’t get married for the next 3 years.

No I wouldn’t want to sign either, I can’t believe that’s legal from the school? You have no official responsibility for this child.

I would suggest getting some legal advice.

Or desperate measures can you say you’ve moved out?

Thats fraud.

It's taking the piss for the school to try and bolt fee liability onto an income assessment. In this situation I wouldn't necessarily mind disclosing finances, but certainly wouldn't be taking on responsibility to pay anything for a child who isn't mine and who I might not be able to see again if his father decided to break up with me.

Considering you've said the child needs and benefits from this school, and he is a part of your life, are you willing to pay anything towards his education? Can you cover the gap between the bursary and the full amount?

While this should not be put on you, the dad is probably going to be upset that being in a relationship will put his son at a disadvantage. This could cause resentment all around.

What outcome do you want for the son? He's not your responsibility but you can't stop the school saying they want to take household finances into account. If he's pulled out of school and his behaviour worsens that will impact you too.

If you can easily afford it, I'd consider paying for the gap (but try to avoid being liable). If you can't easily afford/can't afford it at all, well Dad needs to realise his son just can't go there any more.

This is crazy.
How does the school even know that the chil’s parent has a partner?
Is this only for people in sexual relationships?
What if OP were a friend, roommate, lodger, etc.; would they be required to divulge their income?