To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Well
Definitely do not sign anything, you are completely right in your concerns, dp can also choose to move out rather than losing their child's place,
Why make it your issue?

I don't think it's about being a guarantor I think it's just about paying the fees, it's just been made to sound like it's a guarantor situation

So basically SS will have to leave the school unless you are willing to pay towards the fees. His dad can’t afford it with the assessment as it will be full price and they won’t allow him to stay without it. So what he wants/needs from you is you paying towards the fees which is a big ask.

There probably aren’t. Very few schools can afford hundreds of bursaries. But that’s beside the point. If they are not married, she’s not a step mum. The contract is between the actual parents and the school. They can’t drag a new signatory into it unwillingly. If that means they have to honour the bursary to the end of GCSEs then ask the parents to find another (state) school, then so be it.

If you know your income will mean he’s ineligible for the bursary, and you plan to stay together, can you just not sign it?

He will have to leave the school and that’s sad, but it’s his mother’s fault, not yours.

I suppose OP your DP has to cut his coat according to his cloth. If he can't afford the school fees and the school want to make someone else liable for the fees that doesn't agree to it then he can't afford the school fees. Plenty of people have had to take their kids out of schools since Labour got in, hideous as that is. And schools will be far stricter now about bursaries.

Lots of things are based on household income even when it includes someone who does not have parental responsibility for the children in the house e.g. UC, HICBC, University maintenance loans so why not private school fees? It's in a way more surprising they didn't take your household income into account before.

So will your income render him ineligible for a bursary, whether you are liable in the future or not?

Poor kid.

I wonder if in these circumstances, the council would step in? Does he have an ehcp and an official diagnosis of autism? With his personal situation of being taken from his mum as well I think there's a high chance they could pay towards the fees. It could be named on his EHCP and he is settled there now.

Failing that, if I were your partner I'm sorry but I'd move out. You're right though, in the current situation it looks like he could lose his place either way. You both really need to arrange an appointment with the head and see how they can help.

For the future, you do realise your income will be taken into account for University maintenance loans as well?

The contract will be based on the home address and the income of the resident parent. Ergo the contract they had is broken.

They can’t force OP to sign up but they have no liability to continue with the child’s place if the contract is broken.

Don't sign. Not your responsibility but if I were your DP I'd consider living separately

Also- you're not married so he's not your step son. And were you to split with DP the relationship with him would end.

Just saw your update of 7:55

I am sympathetic. I used to live with my DP and we kept our finances entirely separate. I would not want to pay for my DSC either. I would think my income entirely separate from any assessment as we lived like two families in one house. Like house sharers. Would you consider moving out? This is what I did and it’s worked really well.

I don’t think there’s a way round it. Did your DP not factor this in when he went for full custody? Or was he expecting mum to still pay her share?

Can child not just go to local state school like 90%+ of kids in uk. I promise, some are ok.

Remember this is a general rule of thumb. If I am a single mother with a child and receive benefits, those benefits will be reassessed should I live with a partner. It is assumed my partner will help me financially with the child.

This is laughable.
You can't say that marriage doesn't count because legally that is the point!
They are not married. Anyone who lives with a partner does not automatically become a step parent which is what you're saying.

He is not a stepson- it's a term OP decided to use.

I have had friends who when they married again, their new husbands legally adopted their children form the 1st marriage.
That IS a stepchild.

So your partner’s son has received a bursary for reduced fees based on his parents financial situation around the time he started at the private school.

This is no different to a single parent claiming benefits who co-habits with a new partner who has no interest in getting married or sharing finances.

As soon as you live with someone as a couple, they treat you as a single ‘household’ and expect the other party to contribute equally to the household finances.

Obviously, it’s unfair and sadly, it’s nearly always the woman who gets shafted by this.

She can call him what the hell she likes. There’s no official legal status of “step parent” married or unmarried, it’s a term that people use to describe the children of their spouse or long term partner, and you’re obviously projecting your own insecurities and issues about this on this situation.
The school consider the OP and her finances relevant so that’s that, whether you agree with the terminology or not.

The reality is the child was losing the bursary anyway. They would always have reassessed eligibility once they realised the father's home was dual income.

No wicked step mother comments from me, I wouldn’t sign it either, especially when you know it will affect the bursary and your DP will no longer be able to afford fees anyway. There’s only really 2 options for your DP

• His son comes out of private education.
• You live separately so he gets the bursary (but still he probably won’t be able to afford it?

It’s not really about if you sign it or not, it’s about what happens next for his son when he can’t find his private education.

How much is his bursary?

for example if he gets a discount of 10k then he only has a few years left so your partner can consider a loan or remortgaging the house

Or tell the school you are separating?

The the issue isn't the school, them assessing your income or you signing a contact to be liable for the fees, the real issue is that your dp can't afford the fees and is expecting you to pay.

Because why is he so insistent you get assessed is he knows this will mean they'll take the bursary away, which he can't afford?

They do in a financial sense as the couple's income is seen as joint household income. This is the same in every type of system we have. I am not saying it is right, but if we are going to challenge this status quote, we should start with benefits. Not private schools.

You do lack empathy.
Read about what the child has been through.

Parents divorcing, lived with his mum , social services and the courts were involved ( she was not fit to parent either MH issues or crime) he was taken away.
You're now suggesting his world is upended again by taking him away from the only source of stability- his school where he has friends.

Please engage brain.

To be honest I completely understand the school policy re the discounted fees. You're cohabiting so effectively common law husband and wife - if that's still a thing. It's normal for household income to be taken into account for a whole range of benefits including, as you've seen, school bursaries.
I don't know where you stand legally regarding liability should DP default, though. If you split up, presumably you'd stop living together. You need the check with a solicitor whether this changes the terms of the contract, or whether they can add a clause to cover that eventuality so you'd no longer be liable.
I think it's time to take a long hard look at your relationship and your status as step parent. This boy needs support and stability. Are you in this for the long haul? Are you prepared to support financially given that he really doesn't need a change of school at the moment? If you can resolve the future liability issue, you just need to pay the other portion of the fees. Feels like a reasonable compromise to me if you're in a long term committed relationship. The alternative would be for you to stop cohabiting.