To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

I would simply email the school something along the lines of
"I understand you would like me to become a co-signatory for XXX's school fees, unfortunately this would not be possible. Myself and XXX's father are not married, maintain completely separate finances and furthermore I do not have parental responsibility for XXX. I have no legal responsibility to pay for any of the expenses of my stepson. Kind regards

Can he afford to live separately with his son and pay the reduced amount?

YANBU either way. It’s not your responsibility.

Ok - makes more sense now. Unfortunately if your son has a bursery based on “household income” and now lives with you full time, your income will have to be considered in the continued reduction of fees.

Not a dig at you re: private school but this is what happens all the time to people on benefits when they move in with a partner.

I suspect the school may be trying it on. You need to see the terms of the bursary.

For university the each household income is assessed, not just the individual parents. It’s something that does happen. I agree, it’s unfair though.

@CloverRiver if you are not on a rental agreement or on the mortgage/deeds of a property, I’m not sure how your status as the child’s fathers partner can be considered, especially if you are not married. Maybe post this in Secondary education as there are often Bursars about who might be able to give advice.

I don’t think that cuts it. OP’s partner wants a discount he’s ineligible for. It’s like parents on benefits expecting to keep the benefits when moving in with a new partner who earns above the threshold.

Where I live they do this upon marriage. Not co-habiting.

It cuts it insofar as the school now know the OPs position and are wasting their time demanding information any further.

Where do you live?

If the school won’t budge then my stepchild will have to leave his school as there’s no way I’m being liable for thousands of pounds of fees.

In that case you or your DP had better move out. the school has the right to set its own policies and is not under public control so can decide that their policy is that all adults in the household of a DC's main residence must agree to this. Otherwise it would be easy for some very wealthy families to get unwarranted support by having a non-earning SAHP make the application declaring a tiny income whilst being supported by an exceedingly wealthy partner.

Does your DP have capital assets (own a share of property etc?) - could you draw up a contract between you and DP wherein he agrees to reimburse you by say June 2033 (5 years after the end of these 3 years of fees) for any amount of contributions you end up having to make during the period of 2025 to 2028? If you own your home together as tenants in common (ie you each own a specified share, usually 50%) then it would be easy to formally change the percentage split to restore you to a position where your overall assets are unaffected by this in the long run.

Perhaps your DP can get a loan OP?

Will he realistically want to go to sixth form there too though?

If he’s living with you when he applies to university, your income will be included then too.

He’s not a stepson if you aren’t married to his father?

I'd speak to the bursar. Ultimately its up to them whether your step child keeps his bursary and they can chose how to assess eligibility. I'd assume your income will be relevant to the assessment but I'm surprised they are suggesting you are liable for the fees. I would ask for some clarity so you can make an informed decision. Its a bad time for claiming a bursary given the VAT rise. There will be a lot more parents requesting one so maybe the school are making things more onerous.

University maintenance loans are also means tested on the students household income so there is precedent there - although there isn't the same legal liability for the parents to pay anything.

The school have laid out their policy - which will already have applied to many many families with step parents.

If your income means full fees will be due anyway there is no benefit to signing the form/giving your financial information so worth checking if that is the case.

It seems to me you have 2 options.

1 to sign the form/give your details. If full fees become due based on your income being included I'm guessing your partner expects you to help pay if they can't afford it.

1. To refuse to sign the form. Full fees then become due and you either help pay them (as partner can't afford)/ or child is withdrawn from private school / or you and partner stop living together so you are not a household and school is informed of this.

I think there are two issues.

First assessing your finances as part of regular bursary assessments. If it is the school’s existing policy to take full household income into account then this wouldn’t be surprising. And I can see why from a policy perspective they would want to. You should review the policy. But you may have to help meet the fees if your income renders them ineligible

Second is whether you should agree to be jointly liable for fees. For an existing pupil this doesn’t feel reasonable.

Stop referring to him as a Step Son.

OP I think you need to look at the terms of the burserary, point out to school that you are not a co-parent, no parental responsibility, like others said if your DP lived with a friend they couldn’t expect that person to pay school fees. are they aware that you have no parental or carer responsibility here?

I might meet them half way and provide some scant details for them to complete required paperwork but I wouldn’t sign a document agreement agreeing to pay for someone else’s child - that you have no legal responsibility for.

You need to get legal advice. I don’t think this is fair on the child, given to difficult circumstances that lead them to living with you. I would respond to say that you need a couple of weeks as you are discussing arrangements. Your partner should absolutely not be making you feel bad though.

just a suggestion, but for the sake of his education for the next couple of years, I would see if you partner could register as living with his parents or similar and have them set up in both homes and only have them stay over at yours rather than reside there. I’m not sure that is a fool proof suggestion, but you need to speak to citizens advice. I would also run it through chat gpt to see what comes up. I think there will be ways around it but give nothing away to the school at this point.

No true.

Stufent loans do this though. They take into account household income. Even if it includes step parents.

It might be a better option for your DP to move out for a couple of years while his son finishes school.

If I wasnt prepared to do this and would allow my stepchild to be uprooted from their school.as a result, I'd leave the relationship. Obviously I dont feel secure or trusting enough to be a proper part of the family yet the fact it has gone far enough for the child to be living with me says that I've made a big mistake and it has gone too far.

There is no way I'd refuse and expect us to all carry on as a family living together in the home.

Do you have kids together OP? Is it a long term relationship?

Stepparents do enough by living with a child who’s not theirs, especially full-time. There’s no law to say they have to pay for private school too.

Or DP has to leave you.

Why is DP not claiming child maintance?

Surely the better option for your child is you move out?

You don't sound much of a partner or step parent at the moment anyway.