To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Ah, I see! That makes more sense.

So it's possible that when the bursary was awarded only the mum's minimal income was taken into account because that was the DSS's main residence and her DP either didn't live with her or wasn't declared.

But now DSS lives full time with his dad, so the bursary is re-assessed based on this household.

In that case, I think they may be stuck either way as his income alone may be sufficient to significantly reduce the bursary.

You've reached the best and only conclusion, OP. The child isn't yours, and has two living parents. He is no greater legal relation to you than a friend's child. If his parents can't afford this school for him, they need to make whatever compromises are necessary to make it happen ie the child's mother needs to step-up or carry the guilt of her son having to be removed from his school.

You're just there. That doesn't make you responsible and it doesn't make you at fault for not carrying a burden that rightfully belongs to two other people.

He can afford to keep his son at the school with a bursary assessed on his sole earnings if he's no longer in a cohabiting relationship with the OP.

That's not a given though is it unless the bursary magical increases with his outgoings?

I will say that I had no idea that you could apply to a school that you can't afford & pay less fees on the grounds that you can't afford it otherwise!

It's not your child and not your responsibility. You do not need to sign any contract (dear god don't sign) and telling the school that you're not responsible for your boyfriends child is the correct approach. They should assess the child based on his legal parents, not someone who maintains separate finances.

OP needs to decide whats most important to her, money or her relationship.

@dontmalbeconme And her own grown -up children, of course. They may need financial help from her (many parents contribute to house deposits, for example) and if she’s spent tens of thousands on private school fees, that may not be possible.

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t prioritize someone else’s school fees over my DD and DS’s needs. It doesn’t stop when they turn 18!

I don't think paperwork for claiming a bursary is a police ie criminal matter ! Civil courts perhaps

I feel so sad for this kid. Parents split, he’s ND, his mum is abusive and now wants nothing to do with him, is now going to have yet more stability ripped away from under him (either changing schools or having to move out if OP kicks him and his dad out). I know people will say that this isn’t OP’s problem but there is a child involved who didn’t choose any of it.

Of course it’s a criminal matter - it’s fraud by false representation. There will be a statement of truth in the bursery paperwork and lying is fraud.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2006/35/section/2

My DP was definitely assessed. He’s had to provide extensive paperwork in the past. Having texted with him today and trawled the schools website, it appears they outsource their bursary to an assessment company. I wonder if the assessment company takes one view i.e assess the parents and the school is taking the household view now.

OP can feel sorry for him whilst not wanting to pay tens of thousands for an unnecessary private education.

I've been through this already. The busary granted will be affordable taking into account reasonable living costs for the income assessed. So if he is a single person household, the bursary will be the difference between what he can afford to pay (allowing reasonable living costs) and full fees, hence affordable. Its only a problem if he isnt prepared to put all money in the household after reasonable living costs towards school fees.

He may not be able to afford it even if he moves out, so he may just be between a rock and a very hard place.

He will no longer be splitting bills with the OP, so would be reliant on the bursary increasing considerably to continue affording any fees.

Maybe it’s worth speaking to them, or getting a copy of their bursary policy?

From other posts though, it doesn’t seem like he’ll be eligible though.

State school isn’t the end of the world. Having an abusive, absent parent is far worse.

Counselling will be costing at most a couple of hundred pounds a month, and may not be needed long term. OP is facing a bill of £1200 a month in school fees, adding up to tens of thousands of pounds over the course of the child finishing school. Surely you can see the difference?

And not completely combing finances is a perfectly normal thing to do when you both have children from previous relationships. OP, quite rightly, wants to be able to help her own children financially.

I think the best solution is probably that the DP goes into debt to cover the school fees.

The DP would be looking at £1800 a month for 3 years, I believe? He may not be able to get into debt to that tune.

The best thing, in my opinion, would be to withdraw SS from the school, find a decent state school, get an ECHP and use the spare £600 to pay for his counselling and tutoring.

Its only a problem if he isnt prepared to put all money in the household after reasonable living costs towards school fees.

So what the school feels is affordable may not be what he feels he can pay/afford?

I’ve advised my DP to email the school himself and ask why they’ve been happy to assess parental income for the past 2 years (excluding step parents) and now all of a sudden want my name included?

Yes, those would be the kind of things she would need to consider, when deciding what's most important to her, money or her relationship.

I'm not telling her which she should choose, just pointing out that is the choice she would need to make.

The cheapest option all round seems to be you or your partner moving out the home.

Because its household income of the child's primary home (plus an assessed contribution from the NRP)

No, they did not assess the husband of the ex-wife.

Why don't you ask him to move out for a period of time. Does he have parents? they wont take their income into account. I would not make a 26k commitment for something I had and will continue to have no say over.

Good God woman, the bursaries are charities.

You have lost the bursary.

I can understand. They are giving a discount due to their parents income. It sounds normal the school assess the joint household income. Same as if for example a single parent was on benefits and a partner moved in, his income would be assessed for the benefits. I can understand why you don’t want to be liable though, that part shouldn’t happen

you do not call the shots.