To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

They’re not demanding anything. DP and OP are perfecting entitled not to supply their finances. DP is asking for a discount, for which he needs to prove eligibility, which in this case is household income under £x.

No, they can’t demand the info, but they can tell DP that if I don’t give up the info they will remove the bursary (which, reading between the lines, is essentially what they’ve said).

I think it’s totally different paying bills and mortgages jointly (of which I benefit from and can get recompense if we split up, in the case of the mortgage) vs stumping up thousands for a child I have no PR over and who has two parents.

My daughter has a bursary and as the person with whom she primarily resides, the bursary is assessed on my income/assets only.
Her father has parental rights so is listed as a parent, but as we have separate households and finances, his finances are not considered when assessing the bursary.
The school also doesn't get involved in how I pay the difference between fees and bursary, so we sort that out between ourselves.

Now the boy is living with you he is considered part of your 'household', so will be assessed on yours on your partner's income; as in living together, you become the new 'household'. The school, DWP and eventually student finance have no regard for how you split your expenses. You're simply considered a financial unit on the assumption that as a couple, you pool and benefit from each other's resources.

It's a difficult position to find yourself in.

Who owns the house you all live in ..
I expect DP moved in with you ,and it's your name on the mortgage???
In which case ,he needs to move out .
If this is a deal-breaker for you ,op ,he needs to move out with his son ,so that your income is not taken in to account..then he gets full bursary as your DP with be a single dad

So what does your dp expect you to do? Surely if you are part of the assessment they will say you can afford the full amount.
So then what?
The problem isn't the school, it's that your dp can't afford the fees and expects you to pay.

Back in the early days of the CSA it certainly was a thing where my second wifes income was added in to the calculations.

It was a contributing factor in the failure of my 2nd marriage. This was back in the 90's so no idea about today though TBF.

Bear in mind, if they do have your financials, it may deplete the bursary greatly in any case.

What you don't want to be is effective guarantor to your DPs debts, which is what they are asking you to do, in effect.

Have you requested the schools policy/terms and conditions etc to see if there is anything you can use there? You would think it should be set out exactly what needs to be taken into account for the bursary…

@CloverRiver surely the obvious thing is for DP to transfer to you all his son’s fees so that you have readily available and in your control? Not sure how you deal with the fact that discount may be removed though. If you’ve been with DP a long time, personally I would pay any increase but I appreciate you’re not obliged to at all.

Did she declare her husband on her previous applications or is he a low earner or was living elsewhere?

There's no reason he wouldn't have been assessed as well, had she declared he was living with her.

You’re in the right OP.

However, I do wonder how the poll would go if it turned out you had your own or joint kids in private school too…

The partner (and the child) benefit from OP’s income even if it isn’t used directly for school fees. If the household income exceeds the threshold then I don’t think the school is being unreasonable to remove the bursary and give it to someone who has a lower household income and needs it more.

Frankly the partner should count himself lucky the school haven’t properly assessed his income until now and he’s had the discount for so long. If OP doesn’t want to contribute to the fees then the partner needs to either move out or accept that private school is not affordable for him any more without the contribution from the child’s mother. Whether the relationship will survive this is another matter.

The contract was between my DP, his ex-wife and the school. I was never assessed and nor was her husband. They would have known we were living together due to join mortgage etc.

I'm confused, if op doesn't pay then the household income would be less than when ex was contributing using so why would the bursary reduce or stop, surely it would be reassessed and increased or am i being dim.

I see both sides here really. I don't see why things should have changed just because he moved in with you full time, but equally someone could move in with a multi-millionaire don't have a luxurious lifestyle and it wouldn't really be fair for them to get a bursary.

I'm assuming you are quite a high earner given that you think the bursary will go if you're assessed? Do you have children and if so did they go to private school? Is your income such that it would seem unfair for him to get the bursary if it was assessed?

I guess I'm coming at this from the perspective that you live together and you're a family even if you're not married, and so If I could easily afford to subsidise my partner for a few years so that he could carry on sending his child to the school (under the specific circumstances here), then I would, out of love really. It would be different if it would mean a life of living of beans on toast!

Agree, I think the DP and his ex have had it lucky for years, when the school probably should have been assessing both full household incomes from the start. I’m guessing there was a big dispute about neither parent agreeing the other was the primary residence and the school made an exception to policy by agreeing to assess their individual incomes rather than household. The ex’s only on benefits which lowered the average (because she’s subsidised by her husband).

DP needs to face facts; he can’t afford the fees.

There’s paying more, then there’s paying an extra £1200/£2400 a month for 3+ years!

In which case my previous suggestion of a lodging agreement would not work, because as your partner is on the mortgage you can't legitimately claim him to be anything other than a co-habiting partner.

So, as I see it the only ace you have to play is to offer your details for the assessment, but say you won't be signing a contract, and see where that leads.

But my suspicion is the joint income will wipe out the bulk of the bursary, at which point you can pay the full fees together as you go, if you wish to.

It was never assessed on both households income, it was artificially lower because the ex is on benefits. It should have been assessed on either main residence or an average of household incomes from the start.

The school can do what they want, it’s a private business. Their evaluations can be whatever they want them to be. They can withdraw the bursary, more schools are doing that now as other parents who pay full fees don’t want to subsidise anymore.

And especially not for children living in households who could afford full fees, but don’t want to pay!

This the process I'm familiar with, so it seems that up to this point the OP hasn't even been properly aware of how the bursary was assessed. No-one has ever asked for my ex's income in the 6 assessments I've completed across 2 schools.
I believe the ex was assessed and they agreed to split the balance.
Now she's out of the picture, it has become entirely his expense, except he shares a household with OP who has an/more income.

@CloverRiver If the worst came to the worst and you DID sign up agreeing - what notice is required to withdraw the child from the school? I'm sort of wondering, how much you would actually be on the hook for? It obviously wouldn't be for the rest of the child's schooling, but only for the notice period.

Of course, I do realise that you don't feel that you should be paying either directly towards the fees - or indirectly by subsidising your DP to pay them, and you certainly are NOT obliged to support your DP's child at all. But as others have said, if you don't then one way or the other, the child will have to be taken out of school unless you and your partner separate, and he can get a big enough bursary if he isn't living with you, so in many ways, you need to decide how important this relationship is to you. That's the real decision to be made here, surely?

They will need to reassess your income because he is now living with you full time and the school will be looking at his eligibility for support which he has been getting.

On this basis, I think YABU because I also have an autistic child in a specific private school. It is, as far as I’m concerned the only appropriate school for her. If it closes, I will have to home school.

Consider the above scenario, on that basis. Big, mainstream senior schools almost never work out for autistic children (I have a lot of experience).

If people want to see a reduction in autistic adults claiming PIP, the answer is not to keep forcing them through stressful schooling situations that are wholly unsuitable for them.

I fully understand how you feel OP but...

Playing devil's advocate, you say you paid for the boy's counselling.
Why do that and not help with school fees?

Where do you draw the line? If you are your partner marry, will you still refuse to pay anything towards his son's costs - for example university, driving lessons, etc etc.

You're either a family unit or you're not.

This is what being a step parent is all about. You're in or you're out.

Maybe this relationship is not for you.

Do you have children yourself and is that part of your long term plan with this man?