To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

OP

Your choice is simple, either you sit down and agree to contribute to fees ( this seems like something you don't want to do) otherwise your DP has to get a 2 bed and move out.

To be blunt, if he's a decent father he'd move out so the DC education can continue, especially moving to GCSE's and I assume A levels after that OR you take on the child as your own. That's your two stark choices, and I think you know which one is the only one you can take.

She just needs to say no, in my opinion. Shame for the SS, but due to his mother’s abuse, he will need to move school.

As he’ll now be living in a stable, financially solvent, non-abusive household, his wellbeing will probably increase anyway.

Then her partner and child can move out. The point is to live separately so that OP's income is not taken into account.

No, his mother is responsible.

There's only one there that (sort of) says she should sign up, but they aren't saying OP should, they are saying they would in the same situation.

It seems most of these responses have come from OPs posts about being absolutely not willing to pay more into the household income to support DP to temporarily pay more school fees from his own pocket.

Some private schools offer scholarships up to 50% and plenty offer significant staff discounts, some even almost fully paid staff children places, especially for boarding staff.
So 50% is not always bursary anyway. It does not always have to be down to “affordability”. It is whatever the private school decides and is contractually agreed. In theory, they can change the rules in accordance with their own processes.
Whatever the rules for universities, are not relevant? These are not statutory bodies, they are independent organisations often with charitable status that govern themselves.

Surely the partner would need to move out then?

In any case the kid can go to state school therefore absolving his father of the problem.

No, there are plenty who say she should be doing this. Not sure why you can't just admit it.

Because her living with her partner (and not being prepared to contribute to costs) is significantly disadvantaging a traumatised child who had already been let down by the adults in his life.

Lol what. Of course she is contributing to living costs! That doesn't mean she has to sign up to be on the hook for thousands of pounds! Are you for real?!

Its not really OPs job to sort, admitedly, but this childs father needs to proritise his child, which means he cannot live with an earning partner who is not prepared to contribute to school fees at this time.
Its shit, but it is what it is.

Then he needs to move out pronto if it's OP's house.

What if SS decided he wants to take up flying as a hobby, or to go on the 2k ski trip? Should OP stump up indefinitely because DP wants it but can’t afford it?

Income of a cohabiting partner would be included in the assessment, but not of a boyfriend/girlfriend who were maintaning and living in their own homes, unless there was evidence of financial support/joint finances. Legally connected (married/civil partners) would be included in the assessment even if living in separate homes (with some caveats).

Much like with benefits, we would look for evidence of people playing the system, and might choose to include someone if the evidence suggested they had deliberately made decisions to minimise income for the purpose of gaining a larger bursary to which they should not have otherwise been entitled to.

The OP doesn't have to move out. The DP and child can move out - either way, the point is to live separately so that the OP's high income is not taken into account in a bursary assessment.

Depending on the terms of the bursary, it may not be just down to income - some are related to eg: a parent is disabled. So it might be that the bursary is being reassessed for more than just the financial aspect and OPs partner may lose the bursary regardless of her income.
That aside, even for someone on a good wage, school fees of £26k a year is a huge amount of money. It’s effectively a mortgage and any kind of agreement to be jointly liable would have to be considered with the same seriousness as defaulting would have major implications.
I wouldn’t be signing up to that. Especially given they’re not married.

I think that married/not married is no longer a consideration in this day and age. So many people live together without marrying that to not judge them as a household would create very unfair loopholes.

As a pp has said, the school might see it as a child living in a large, luxurious house, enjoying multiple holidays etc, and it would therefore be inappropriate and unfair to receive the bursary.

If I were OP I would be groaning, but if you form a household then you can’t in all fairness cherry pick when it suits to be single.

Would you agree the DP and his ex had been fraudulently claiming the bursary before? They were presenting sole incomes rather than household incomes.

If I were OP, having presumably been contributing my fair share to housing a SS 50% of the time, now 100% of the time, I wouldn’t be signing up to pay tens of thousands on top. DP is taking the piss expecting this.

Sorry, I posted earlier without reading all the updates.

I guess that it is the co-habitation element that is now triggering this since DSS is living 100% with you as well as DP. I think that you would also be on the hook for university maintenance top ups in this situation too tbh.

You are between a rock and a hard place. Only solutions seem to be a) DP and son move out (with attendant destabilisation for the child), or b) son leaves private school but stays in the stable situation of living with you and DP (but leaving school and starting a new one will cause more trauma).

I really feel for you all. What an incredible difficult situation to be in.

I think this hits the nail on the head really. You are a household now and the bursary is based on household income, for reasons of fairness.

Would your SC still qualify if they assessed your income? If not, then whether you agree or not is surely a moot point?

It really depends whose home it is, doesn't it, which I'm not sure we know.

That's irrelevant though. The point is that they cannot continue to co-habit, because doing so considerably disadvantages an already traumatised child, unless OP is prepared to stump up towards the school fees.

OP needs to decide which is the least shit situation for her. Paying (directly or indirectly) towards the child's school fees, or no longer bring in a relationship /co-habiting with the child's dad.

It is, of course, the Dad who has the responsibilty to make the decision, but I seriously hope he puts his child first. Someone needs to. Poor kid.

The dad needs to look at the situation holistically. We don’t have all of the information.

Leaving the school but staying in a stable family home may be the best option available to the SS.

You might want to get legal advice but it sounds like it would up up to the school what to do if you wrote a letter to say you are not prepared to be responsible for school fees of an unrelated child. So they may still show compassion.

Another option - I have an autistic child and we choose an independent secondary school for her for a variety of reasons, but a couple of years down the line we have realised she needs an EHCP and are in the process. If you feel DSS need support over and above that which is ordinarily available in a mainstream school this might be something too look into.

Well ,I'm sorry ,but your his step mum .I understand how dp would feel with you refusing.
You are living with a man who has a child .. obviously it will effect you in some financial ways ,you would of been a fool to not expect this

Our local one is £9.9k a term so just under £30k a year

the very posh one, also near me is £13.2k a term so just under £40k

If your stepson is autistic can you consider applying for an EHCP? Not a quick or guaranteed fix, but you'll be doing something towards getting help. Might open the door to funded alternative provision I know you don't 'just' get an EHCP...been there got the t shirt, but also have a child who is now in funded provision.

Have looked at applying for DLA? Surprised social worker didn't mention it. That might help close the gap on funding. Again, not guaranteed, but worth a shot.

The school seem to think they are the CSA! They can't demand financial info from someone with PR.

Ultimately burseries are discretionary discounts. It is up to the school to set the conditions by which they are offered. They are not forcing you to do anything. If your partner cannot afford private school fees then his child will need to be state educated.