To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Put it this way, if Dave rents my spare room, pays me £600 per month all inclusive, and I declare same as an income, pay whatever tax is due, then I am not liable to any of Dave's debts or benefits assessments etc. He and I are legally separate entities, he has limited rights.

I would of course have to pay council tax for more than 1 occupant and declare the income on any benefit assessment I may be in receipt of.

If it transpired me and Dave were having a romantic affair, that's irrelevant.

In the OPs case, her DP is on the mortgage, so such an arrangement is not possible - although of course it is possible for two friends to be in a mortgage together without otherwise combined finances.

@CloverRiver You have your head screwed on correctly OP and I'm so glad you're not allowing yourself to be strong-armed into this. The school is trying it on as they want someone else they can pursue for the fees, in the absence of your DP's ex, should your DP not be able to afford them going forward. Unfortunately, the bursary is granted at their discretion and they can choose to withdraw it, but that's not your problem. Stand firm and protect your own financial security.

It's not irreverent at all. At the moment you start to be in a relationship with Dave he (and you if you are also on benefits) needs to declare yourselves as a household for benefits purposes.

Edited to add - again, if what you mean is that it would be hard for anyone to prove you are a couple then fine but AGAIN this is fraud not a smart loophole.

She can still contractually sever the notice. It’s totally different with private school. PR is (sort of) irrelevant in so much as the barrier to private school is the fees which supersedes desire of either or both parents to attend.

She can’t force a school move but the school would force the school move if the fees couldn’t be paid.

You give notice to end your contract in the same way as you’re ending any other contract - IF the terms state that either signatory can trigger the notice, PR is irrelevant.

It seems unfair that when your DSS's mum was paying fees that only her income and your DP's were taken into account, but now that she is no longer contributing at all the school wants to assess the bursary based on your income too.

That's a real bait and switch. Your DSS is objectively worse off financially (and emotionally) than before, because he no longer has support from his mum and her DP ... And yet is having his bursary re-assessed as if his financial situation had improved.

I would point this out to the school and ask them to explain their reasoning because it's quite bizarre.

The bottom line is that your DP cannot afford his child's school fees and he will just have to accept that.

If he tells the school that he will have to withdraw his child, maybe they will consider the bursary, assessing him as a single parent which, in effect, he is now.

The fact that your DP is cross with you is a major red flag OP. This isn’t your doing.

Unless I’ve misread - mum is on benefits? So they’ve assessed her household. She may have had a partner who was not down as living with her. They may not have actually even assessed dad, it may be that he’s signed the forms as the other parent but his income was irrelevant because child didn’t live with him. Different schools vary in how they approach bursaries but the one consistent thing is that the household the child lives in will be assessed as a whole.

The court case etc will have brought the child’s living situation to attention in a way that I guess can’t be smoothed over, whereas mum may have been sketchy with the truth (or truthful and eligible due to their household income).

Who currently funds the discount/subsidy? Is it the school (via the parents). I appreciate you don't want to fund them yourself, but the alternative is probably other parents funding it indirectly, which isn't very fair if you are able to fund but just don't want to

I think this is a perfectly legitimate decision.

Private school fees is a huge ask of a partner. And it would've probably have been impossible to foresee his mother being so abusive he had to be removed, unravelling all the systems put in place to best support his education.

None of this is your fault.

This is what I suspect - you really have to have quite a low income to be eligible for these kinds of bursary. The mum being economical with the truth looks likely.

There is no official definition of ‘cohabitation’ in E&W. It is decided on the facts by each tribunal. Since you are giving legal advice as to what cohabitation isn’t, surely you know that?

That mean the ‘reasonable man’ or ‘man on the Clapham omnibus’ test has to be applied (i.e. would a normal member of the public think two people were cohabiting). In my view, two people living under the same roof and engaging in a sexual and / or romantic relationship are cohabiting even if their individual contributions are laid out in a contract.

It may be the OP and her DP can convince a jury that just because they lived together for years beforehand, only drafted dubious paperwork when at risk of having to pay tens of thousands of pounds and continued to live together in a relationship afterwards, they aren’t cohabiting and haven’t deliberately committed the criminal offence of fraud.

But I wouldn’t count on it.

and if that means removal of the bursary, DP will be moving out and I’ll send them his new address for reassessment and correspondence.

What do you think that that will achieve?

@MangoBanjoe I agree, this is nothing to do with the OP and her partner seems to think that she should make herself liable for tens of thousands every year-and gets angry when she says no!

Some partners do pay for private school, but many don’t. It shouldn’t be an expectation.

"if Dave rents my spare room, pays me £600 per month all inclusive, and I declare same as an income, pay whatever tax is due, then I am not liable to any of Dave's debts or benefits assessments etc. He and I are legally separate entities, he has limited rights."

And if someone from the benefits office comes to your house and sees Dave's clothes in your bedroom rather than his, they will know you are a couple and the situation will change.
In OP's case, the school already know she and her DP are a couple so she can't suddenly pretend to be the lodger, can she?

Almost definitely

DP will qualify for a bursary if he moves out and @CloverRiver wont have to pay 43k, which is a huge amount of money.

This is exactly the right attitude - giving such a large sum to his child negatively affects you and yours. Your kids didn’t have a private education, it’s not essential.

stand your ground

Yes, I think the truth is here somewhere.

Her partner's income was either very low or she misrepresented some facts. I also believe dad was not assessed; but with the new living arrangements, they must assess the new household that is dad and OP.

@diddl Presumably it’ll mean that the school will only assess her DP’s income and he’ll keep the bursary-which is what he wants so perhaps that’s the best solution.

The OP has her own grown-up children and may want/need to help them out instead of spending money on private school fees.

Yes.

I suppose I was thinking why not just do it then-why tell them in advance?

Assuming the bursary gets removed, it’s £43k that isn’t going to my kids inheritance or my pension pot. For a child who I have no legal rights over and whose father I am not married to. I do want to do what’s best by my stepchild (hence paying for his counselling), but this level of funding and expectation is just too much. I am going to tell the school that I won’t be handing over my financial details for the reasons outlined, and if that means removal of the bursary, DP will be moving out and I’ll send them his new address for reassessment and correspondence.

I think that's a very good plan OP. I think he was taking the piss even asking.

Stand your ground @CloverRiver . This is absolutely the right decision for you and your family.

Whatever the legalities of this situation, it’s grossly unfair for your income to be taken account in this scenario.

He can't afford to keep his son at the school AND continue to cohabit with OP unless OP pays towards school fees, either directly or indirectly.

He can afford to keep his son at the school with a bursary assessed on his sole earnings if he's no longer in a cohabiting relationship with the OP.

He needs to decide who to prioritise, his traumatised son who has already been let down by his mother, or his girlfriend who doesn't see herself as part of the family unit with him and his son.

For most parents, this wouldn't be a hard choice.

OP needs to decide whats most important to her, money or her relationship.

Its a shit situation all round, and there isn't an answer that won't cost someone dearly in one way or another.

Before you do this, it may be worth asking your partner if this will actually achieve anything (ie does he just need to accept the inevitable - he can’t afford it)?

Because as things stand, he has 50% of the household costs (I assume) and can ‘just about’ scrape together £1200 which is half of the bursary.

If he moves out and does successfully get the bursary as a single parent (would he? They’re now assessing his income so unless that’s similar to mum’s, you can’t even count on that), so he’s still got the £1200 50% fee which was only just affordable, but now has 100% of housing costs…can he still afford the 50%?

I suspect he can’t.