To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Why do you think a lodging agreement would work in any event though? Do you think the bursary rules state that you can be living together as a couple as long as you have an agreement in place? It makes no sense to me at all.

Are you sure you work "in a bursary"? Are you an electrician there or is that a side job as you seem to be an electrician on another thread.

Interesting point there that as OP has no parental responsibility, she has no choice in which school the boy attends… So if his parents decide he stays, he stays, regardless of who’s on the hook to pay.

The OP doesn’t get to decide her income doesn’t count.

Previously the child seems to have been listed with the school as living with his mum (who was on benefits). If she was getting means tested benefits, the school didn’t need to assess the stepfather’s income - the school could assume the government had done so.

Then the non-resident father’s income was apparently also considered.

Now the child is living with the OP and his father. Both of their incomes get taken into account. Since the OP says she doesn’t want to pay £28,000 a year, not that she can’t, their joint income is far too high for a bursary and it stops.

The OP doesn’t get to live in the same household with the child and decide her income isn’t counted. She can obviously decide not to pay school fees but that’s different.

Assuming the bursary gets removed, it’s £43k that isn’t going to my kids inheritance or my pension pot. For a child who I have no legal rights over and whose father I am not married to. I do want to do what’s best by my stepchild (hence paying for his counselling), but this level of funding and expectation is just too much. I am going to tell the school that I won’t be handing over my financial details for the reasons outlined, and if that means removal of the bursary, DP will be moving out and I’ll send them his new address for reassessment and correspondence.

I reckon OP has children in private school, and she splits the cost with her ex, same as her DP and his ex did. That is why she’s being cagey and not answering questions about whether she has children.

My children are grown and didn’t go to a private school.

Cross post! Thanks for answering.

As you have your own children’s inheritance to worry about, and didn’t even pay for private school for them, you’re definitely making the right call.

Sorry if your relationship hasn’t worked out

I worked (worked being operative) after qualifying in business studies in a bursary before retraining aged 32 to the electrical trade, have run an electrical business ever since, taking over the company I apprenticed under in 2021.

Aside from my background - if the partner & his son resided with the OP on a legal lodging agreement, paying a fair market rate for board and lodgings, and the OP declared that same to HMRC then legally the partner and his son could not be classed as in any way financially dependent on her, quite the opposite.

If they chose to carry on a relationship, that is neither here nor there - however as the OP has now filled us in on her status regarding home finance, well clearly that is an impossibility.

Happy now, good!

I think DH is putting pressure on you because he is cornered. There is no good solution.

I think it would be sensible to speak with social work to request assistance to find a state school place that can support DSS. It'll be hard to find but if his father can't afford private then that is all it comes down to.

I think totally fair enough to say you're not willing to cover the fees.

I would advise strongly against saying he'll move out if they remove the bursary. That'll make them very suspicious and I see no upside to telling them this. Just say you're not sharing any financial info. If that does mean your DP moves out he can get in touch with the school at that point and say he's now single and would like to assess on that basis.

I am going to tell the school that I won’t be handing over my financial details for the reasons outlined, and if that means removal of the bursary, DP will be moving out and I’ll send them his new address for reassessment and correspondence.

Too right. Well done, OP. Please keep us updated on what your DP and school say,

No this is still all wrong. If they chose to carry on a relationship it is entirely relevant as that's what leads to the school assessing them jointly.

How, exactly legally, please explain, specifics please!!

Wouldn't that be fraud? It certainly would be if she were claiming benefits.

They are 100% correct to be considering your income - as others have said, if this wasn’t the case, you’d have lots of SAHMs getting bursaries for their children despite their husband’s earnings, and that being their household income.

However, the push back would and could absolutely be you signing the fees form. I suspect your partner either misunderstands this, or is trying to get this past you as ‘no choice’ to get you signed up to be equally liable for them. I’ve had children in private education for well over a decade and they have never forced anyone to sign. In our situation, my husband (stepfather of eldest) signed forms and biological father signed nothing/was named on no paperwork.

Of course the school (and dare I say it also your partner) would like the financial backup of a second person to come after for unpaid fees, but that doesn’t mean they’ll force him out if you don’t sign - they won’t. But you will need to disclose your full financial picture. If you don’t want to, you can ask for a copy of the bursary criteria. If you read that, you’ll know whether he would qualify including your income and if not, and if they insist your income will be included, I wouldn’t bother - it’s going to be turned down anyway.

When you refer to your partner, I guess I wonder how much of a partner he is - if it’s a genuine shared life you have together AND you can afford it, could you not perhaps help out for the last 3 years - even if you set it out formally as a loan? For example he continues to pay off your loan to him once the child leaves school? I assume he’s pursuing mum for CMS if she’s still working too? As much as you shouldn’t be in this position, neither should he or his son and I can see this being something that you can never get past as a couple if you dig your heels in (if it is a genuinely LTR and you can afford to do so). That’s the kind of thing that can cause lots of festering resentment.

I don't know how else to explain it - legally by means of the terms of their grant of the bursary.

If you're saying set up a false paperwork trail to look like they aren't in a relationship then that may work in some circumstances (not OP's) but would be fraud.

It’s nothing to do with “legally”, it’s a private school and they can make whatever rules they like about how they assess eligibility for a bursary.

It’s funny how much MN hates private school, until there’s a stepchild involved, and all of a sudden OP must pull out all the stops to try to ensure DSC can stay in private school, including emotional posts claiming she needs to fund this

I think it is reasonable to assess your income to calculate fees/bursary as you are now a household. What is not reasonable is having you sign anything in relation to the school fees as DSS is not your child and you have no obligation to pay his fees. If by assessing your income it means the bursary will be removed and DP will no longer be able to afford the fees then that is his problem not yours and I would spell it out to him that you have no obligation nor are you willing to pay anything towards DSS's school fees.

Yes it is fraud, by OP and DP. If the school get wind, it’ll be referred to the police, the SS will be expelled and the DP will need to repay all the discounts.

One thing to add - look very carefully at the t&cs. It should say that (in line with joint and severally liable) either of you can singularly give notice to end the contract - which would be a full term.

If that is the case, that would be your worst case scenario in terms of liability.

I know a few people across a handful of schools where this happened when a couple were separating. Awful for the children, but the contacts could be ended by either party. Obviously the father would then have the option to take out a new contract for the remaining terms if he so wished.

Both those parties would have had parental responsibility though so are entitled to choose the child’s school. OP doesn’t. She’d need legal advice as a cosignatory without PR (not that she should anyway).

I wonder if it might be worth the two of you requesting a meeting with the bursary officer together and set out the whole picture to try to convince them to leave you out of it, and explain the outcome of them not being flexible will mean either you will break up and your SS and his father will have to move out, or he'll have to leave the school. They make the rules so they can bend them if they want to, and it does seem harsh and unreasonable on their part since he's already been through so much trauma.

The irony of course is that from the tax payer’s perspective it would probably be better for the local authority to cover any shortfall (ie that DP cannot meet on his own) of the private fees.

As others have said, the sad fact is that your DP can’t afford to keep his son at the school next year. He’s only just affording the £1,200 p/m now and there’s no way he’ll be able to afford £2,400 if they lose the bursary.

Equally, you can’t pay £1,200 p/m for the lost bursary and you can’t sign the contract as that legally makes you liable for the full fees if your DP stops paying!

None of this is your fault, the parents ( DP and his ex who sounds appalling) are responsible for their son’s education. I agree with PP’s that perhaps a loan to cover the full fees might be the best option for your DP if he’s determined to keep his son at the school. Or could a grandparent help out?

It sounds as if he’s definitely going to lose the bursary tbh.