To expect partner to accept job offer?

[bonfiretoffee88]

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

First, £400 is nothing at all if he’s not contributing to bills and food. But £0 is simply unacceptable. And not doing housework, getting up late… that’s just disrespectful, and what an appalling thing for your children to see.

You’re enabling him. But also, you’re choosing to support him over spending that money on your children.

As is often the case, the first post nails it!

This OP.

Also if he's only been paying you £400pm he ought to have savings to pay for his expenses and the £400 due to you!

Every penny spent on him is money you could spend on your kids. The ones he couldn't be bothered to feed with food you bought.

Glad you're telling him to go OP. I strongly suspect he'll offer to take a job and/ or lay on a good sob story. Don't be fooled. My sister married one like this who when asked to leave promised the world as he liked his lifestyle. It later transpired he had been cheating on her.

You and your kids deserve better. Imagine how much better off you'll be!

You need some help. You accepted him not paying £400 a month and that covered his entire share? Rent to you, share of bills AND groceries? He didn’t even split groceries separately with you? You paid for absolutely everything and he only gave £400?

Any woman who actually accepts that and loves that man in with her kids is absolutely desperate for a man, and incredibly vulnerable and in need of help.

Seek help. Tell someone.

You say you're not desperate for a man, but look at the facts. You have lain down and let this man wipe his feet on you. You have funded his alcohol and other habits. You have come home after a night shift to a filthy house and unfed children and an unwalked dog and meekly put up with that and fixed it for him. You have allowed him to keep you awake all night when you have to get up at 5 am while he stays in bed until lunch time. And you are still asking whether you are unreasonable to expect him to accept a job.

It is literally impossible to draw any other conclusion than that you value having a boyfriend over everything else.

I really hope you come back to update us and say that he has gone, and that even if he finds a high paying job, apologises massively, and offers to pay 2,000 pounds per month and do most of the housework in future, you will still tell him to get lost. But the odds of that don't seem to be high, given what you have already accepted and exposed your children to.

Getting to the point of asking him to leave is a huge step forward. In your shoes, I would be getting some therapy fairly urgently in order to figure out why you have accepted this situation for you and your children for even a single day. Please don't allow any more men into their lives until you have worked out what was going on and made a strategy for avoiding this in the future. Good luck.

What was going on was that she was desperate for a man. Just as you say, she values having a boyfriend over everything else.

Just an incredibly vulnerable person who really needs help. It’s shocking how many women do this, all for the sake of having a man.

I think you would be better not to date at all for at least a couple of years, once you get rid of him. I am serious when I say that you should talk to a therapist about why you are such a man pleaser that you allowed him to steal resources from your children (your money, time and sleep are all resources) and entirely change your meal plans and impact your lives so negatively.

Single mothers who are actually single are rare these days, but it definitely benefits their children when they focus on their children and themselves and get used to being single.

It's not a fair world and obviously men "should" do this - but since they usually don't and I can't change reality, there's absolutely no point in me writing about that, I prefer to address situations as they are, not as I wish them to be.

Hoof him out! He's totally taking the piss!

Gross. Why are you subjecting your children to this person?

Honestly it makes me sick. People have kids, split with the co-parent and then can't restrain themselves for even a few years before moving some cocklodger in to satisfy their crotch. And the poor kids are going to be fucked up for the next 75 years because of it.

This. Read it 100 times, OP.

lol. Fuck the cocklodger off.

WTF have I just read ... 🤬

You have what Mumsnet calls a CF. A cocklodger. A sponging parasitic waste of space. Imagine if one of your kids told you this was their life with their partner.

I sincerely hope you stick to your decision.

Sounds as though you've made a good decision, OP.

Best wishes to you and your DC

Oh deary deary me.
Show him the door and say goodbye.

He has shown you exactly who he is and you are 1000 percent better off without that leech.

Awful 😔

Agree with the consensus, just came by to add:

DO NOT REVERSE YOUR EXCELLENT DECISION UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

eg I'll take the next job, here's my savings I just wanted to contribute this month, look I got a job starting Monday. etc....

I think you are BU to continue in this relationship. What example is this setting for your children too? A partner is supposed to support you and bring positive it’s to your life. This man is a drain on you, physically, emotionally, financially and mentally. The best thing you can do is to get rid

EDITED to say - just seen your update and well done OP!!!!! You’re worth so much more and you know it!!

Get rid!

I think it sounds like you've already worked out the solution here.

I'd point out, this person doesn't seem to be bringing a lot to your life, except a 400 pound contribution that isn't enough.

At this point, even if he accepted a job, he's not planning to give you more or do more around the house. My assumption would be that he may even do less, because he's working.

Without him, your bills won't be as big, you won't be kept up at night and you won't constantly be wondering about things like the state of the house when you get home. I think you'll find getting rid of him a bit of a relief really.

Plus, given time, it will open up space in your life for somebody who really could be a true partner for you.

Good for you. He is a total deadweight and deadbeat, and a ghastly role model to your dc. Pack up his stuff in bin liners and throw him out.

You go girl... let us know how you go!

This with bells on

Even if he takes a job kick him out for treating you like that! Appalling example for your children as well.

your poor kids. Please don’t set this as relationship example.

You don’t need this man in your life OP, and your kids certainly don’t need this man to be their male role model. I suspect he may not leave without a fight mind (to be fair why would he, he has an amazing set up atm). Get support around you, be strong and no matter what he says and does remember he has shown you his true side, and that’s basically being a cocklodger.

Get him out!