To expect partner to accept job offer?

[bonfiretoffee88]

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

The tip contents was no accident and neither was the oven. He was not there being helpful.
How dare he come into your home and sort through your personal papers, and take it upon himself to remove important documents from your home and take them to the tip.
Please change your locks .

I don’t believe for one second he’s taken that paperwork to the tip. Who takes paperwork to the tip? You just put it in the recycling bin if you’re not shredding it. What else did he take to the tip? How could he possibly think it was acceptable for him to come into your home and do this while you were out? What reason did he give?

OP this wasn't him clearing up, it was a targetted action to make life harder for you and to show you how pissed off he is. Please contact the Police and sort out getting your locks changed. He may have taken copies of them and it's clearly not safe that he can get in.

She should have changed the locks. Too late now unfortunately. These sort of men are predictable. Someone who will sponge off a working single mother while slobbing about the house and not lifting a finger to help will also walk back into the house when she’s not there after they’ve been made to leave. These people don’t operate under the basic rules of human decency. Someone who wouldn’t need to locks changed after they’ve been asked to leave also wouldn’t have let the OP come home to a messy house and unfed kids while they fuck around on computer games and turn down jobs that are “beneath them”.

What a fucking knob he is. Only you know if it was deliberate sabotage or not. Was he looking for something? No idea what but it seems very strange. Honestly, you’re well rid of this feckless lump.

No, he doesn't get his belongings back until he has replaced every single document in that folder that he "tipped", and pays to have the oven door replaced.

As for being accidental & being helpful - no it wasn't. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was out for revenge.

Wanted to add. Just how hard was he banging about in order to shatter the oven door. As others have said none of this was accidental.

I wonder could it be called criminal damage?
He didn't have permission to be in your home.
I really think it is worth a call to 101 to report.

Far out!

(and they wonder why we are now all staying single)

Breaking the oven door and throwing away your important paperwork was no accident that was deliberate what made him think that your clothes needed to be put into bags.

And why is it seemingly mandatory that this man remains in your life?

He's deliberately sabotaged you and damaged your belongings.

Have you checked all the hidden clothes? Or has he trashed them on the quiet as well as deliberately taking away your proof of identity, your proof of qualifications, your proof of eligibility to work, proof for claiming benefits, things that cannot be replaced or at least cost hundreds in total to do so (or can be flogged to somebody for identity fraud)? Any jewellery or electricals gone missing as well?

Bet if the police were involved with this unlawful entry, deliberate damage and theft, he'd suddenly find the folder.

I would be losing my shit. He was asked to leave and without authorisation re-entered your property, caused criminal damage and theft.

He wouldn’t get any of his belongings until I had money for my oven. I’d respond in a stressed way to all requests ‘ of course I will arrange something to collect your things but I cannot even think about it now, I’m replacing all my documents you binned and you haven’t sent money for my oven door.’ Then just repeat, repeat.
him: so I’m coming for my things this afternoon.’ You: no that doesn’t work for me, have you sent money for my oven yet?’

Well done OP!

Have you thought about logging this with the police - or threatening to?

Please don't underestimate what he's done OP.

Hope you have read OP most recent post.

Yeah, I called that one wrong. Sorry he’s such an arse, OP.

Be very careful - those documents could be used to commit fraud, attempt to take out finance in your name. Make sure that you change all your passwords everywhere. Make sure you have no financial links to him.

I highly doubt he accidentally threw those away. Change your locks and tell him that he can have his belongings back, when he returns your belongings. If he refuses I would 100% contact the police over that. The threat of it might be enough for that folder to reappear.

I actually think it’s a good idea to report to the police and say you think he’s taken them and said he binned them and are worried about identity theft etc as revenge

I'd kick him out.

Good thinking!
Yes he's taken them to do identity theft and take out loans.
Absolutely go to police and get this recorded officially. Also check out how to protect yourself and do it now. He could have already started applying for stuff.
Police 100%. And inform ALL your banks.

Agree with above.
It's critical that you report this to the police.
He entered the house without your permission, did damage and has removed your personal papers.

Ask to speak to the Duty Sargent to report this and for a crime number.

Identify theft is widespread.
Protect yourself.

He's a wrong 'un.