To expect partner to accept job offer?

[bonfiretoffee88]

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

Excellent news

You've not wrong but I said you are being unreasonable as there is no way he should still be living with you. The money he's paying when he's working is unreasonable to start with, is it even covering the cost of him living with you?Tell the lazy fucker to move back in with his family, no way should you be paying his bills etc

Please learn from this OP.
He should never have moved in.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Your children deserve better than having complete loser living in their home.

Yes it was my opinion that she should get her locks changed. I'm allowed to think that and I'm saying it because he is obviously a very self centred guy who is using her. You don't want him having access to her home again, now he's left.
He could still have a key and let himself in any time he likes. He may get resentful once he loses his cushy life. He may see her as a soft touch and let himself in to win her over again. I just think it's sensible when a relationship has gone wrong or ended badly not to let the offended partner have unfettered access into her home. I don't think that's a bizarre thing to say. And it's not expensive putting a new lock on front or back door.
I don't see why that's such an extreme thing to think.

I think it’s extreme because he hasn’t (as far as OP has said) given any indication that he’s likely to get a sneaky extra key cut before he leaves (assuming OP asks him to give his key back) or to come back and help himself to her cornflakes or whatever.

You think it’s reasonable, I think it’s an unnecessary expense and inconvenience based on what OP has said about him thus far.

Well done. And absolutely - change the locks. You don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and find he's returned.

Ensure council tax, electoral roll, any bills he may be on are changed. And cancel any of his bills you pay.

And finally - step away from men.

Work on building your self esteem, assertiveness etc and don't impose any more of them on your children or yourself.

Nice one OP! Enjoy your peace, tidy house and money!

Well done. 🩵

@bonfiretoffee88 👏🏻👏🏻

Ask him to leave

You had yourself a cock lodging adult child there. Well done

i think you’ve not read her message. He moved in couple years ago. Her kids there sometimes. He was paying his way. Then he started leeching. Now she made him leave. Hardly desperate for a man

well done @bonfiretoffee88

Here's to new beginnings. Has he been in touch?

Yes he has. He came yesterday when I was at work, my daughter text me to say he was 'deep cleaning the house' but that he had somehow managed to shatter the oven door into tiny pieces. He was still there when I got back from work at 11pm - house was spotless in fairness - he didnt mention the broken oven and I was too knackered to ask. He had basically rearranged everything in my bedroom, to be helpful because he had been told off for not helping. In the process he has managed to bin and taken to the tip a folder with lots of important documents (divorce papers, birth certificates, parents death certificates, degree certificates) and also I can't find any of my belongings / pjs/ clothes as they've been put into carrier bags and shoved into cupboards.
Needless to say, keys removed, told to leave, and he can come back for his belongings at a time that is suitable for me. And I will be asking for money to repair the oven!

Good for you, OP!!

OMG the paperwork. Difficult, time consuming and expensive to replace. What a nob.

What a pathetic waste of space he is. You don’t need a fourth child thanks.

Glad you have got rid, you have done the right thing. Good for you OP 👏👏👏

You think that getting rid of your important paperwork was accidental? Who does that? An angry man out for revenge - I’d bet money that was deliberate, and has he really taken the paperwork to the tip? A lot of effort for such a lazy sod.
Change the locks asap.

I'd be filing a police report - those will be time consuming and expensive to replace. They add up quickly. And you're now without an oven essentially.

He's not a nob. That was deliberate while pretending it was accidental.

Binning the folder wasn't accidental. What sane person clears another person's belongings out/takes to the tip without running past the owner? None. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually has the folder but I'm a cynic.

As for the house being spotless. Well it would be if he was binning things and or shoving things into carrier bags before shoving into cupboards.

Change your locks.

I would contact the police as well, you only have his word he threw those papers away, he could still have them and do whatever with them op. He also broke your oven, that could be classed as criminal damage.
Don't give him the benefit of the doubt at all, he had time to get a key cut yesterday as well...

He’s not a partner. He’s your 4th child.

Christ, so sorry he’s done that. Pure passive aggression. You can’t complain because the poor, misunderstood dear tidied up. Fucking arsehole. I hope there’s some way to get your paperwork duplicated. How dare he touch your possessions!

Shame on the posters who thought changing the locks was hysterical. This is exactly the sort of shit that men like this pull out of revenge.

Why on Earth did he still have access to your home? Echo others saying there’s no way he smashed your oven or binned that paperwork accidentally. Dont be a mug, change the locks and never see him again. He really hates you.

Agree. No way was that accidental.
He entered your house without your permission.
I would consider reporting him to the police OP.

The annoyance!